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It's been awhile since I've posted here so I apologize in advance for not using the forum terms.
I'll cut straight to the point. For months now my husband has been addicted to porn. I'm meeting his need of SF (what he has requested and then some) but he still feels the need to watch porn to relieve himself (sometimes multiple times a day). I've expressed concern and asked him what I could do to help. Even fulfilling his request I still found him turning to porn.
I'm completely lost for what to do next. Everytime I see the history on his phone showing that he visited the site(s) I get so frustrated and hurt. Is there any way of convincing him to ditch the porn?
D-day 5/29/2010
FWW-29
BH- 31
3 beautiful sons (6,3 & 1)
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Yes, you can tell him to stop immediately and eliminate his access to porn. If he won't, then you should plan to separate. In the meantime, I would make sure that you do not have sex with him in ways about which you are not enthusiastic.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Welcome back, Blove! I've wondered about you two over the years, and how you are doing.
Just so we're caught up on your situation, how are you two doing with the rest of the program? How is your UA? Is he meeting your emotional needs? Any lovebusters?
His porn use is not only very painful for you, but also very destructive to your marriage. For those reasons alone, he should stop.
If he will not stop immediately and make himself accountable, then you do need to raise the bar and plan to separate from him. Your marriage will not survive if he continues this destructive behavior.
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Blove, please tell your husband we remember him fondly and then tell him that you need him to stop this behavior and you must insist that he stop. I would be very happy to talk to him about it. After my wife and I started Marriage Builders she also found that I had engaged in porn use during our marriage, and the revelation was extremely painful for her. Almost all women are hurt when their husbands use porn.
And Marriage Builders has definite recommendations for this. Please stick with us until this problem is solved.
I would drop any pretense of helping him - you need him to find out how to stop and to do it. It's up to him to get whatever help he thinks he might need to stop and to do it now.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Whether he is truly addicted or not, he needs to be the one to take care of making it stop.
Dr. Harley is very familiar with addiction counseling. Don't hesitate to reach out to him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
Last edited by markos; 07/07/15 08:16 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Just so we're caught up on your situation, how are you two doing with the rest of the program? How is your UA? Is he meeting your emotional needs? Any lovebusters? To be honest the past 2-3 months we've been failing terribly at everything. In Feb we decided that we were financially ready to move to his home state so BT could use his GI bill to go to college. He quit his job and we moved in May. It's been a completely different life for us and we're still figuring it all out. This has probably been the most stress we've been in since the A 5 yrs ago. However we're very happy to finally live our dream (since our wedding 10 yrs ago we always agreed ND is where we will reside). We both need to take time to sit down and reevaluate our needs and eliminate our AO's. I feel like he's avoiding this for some reason. Thank you for asking! Just writing this has helped me realize how much I need to open my old notebook and find an affordable babysitter stat.
D-day 5/29/2010
FWW-29
BH- 31
3 beautiful sons (6,3 & 1)
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Thank you all for the quick responses. BT doesn't respond well to ultimatums. I will most definitely update you once we get a moment to talk.
D-day 5/29/2010
FWW-29
BH- 31
3 beautiful sons (6,3 & 1)
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Here is the fantastic article that Dr. Harley wrote about the scourge of Pornography and some radio clips also. Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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It's not an ultimatum, Blove. You don't threaten separation. Don't even mention that to him. You simply tell him that this is what you need in marriage to be happy -- you need him to protect you by stopping the behavior that is hurting you.
If he is unwilling to protect you, you move on to the next step of preparing for a separation. You do this silently, without ever making a threat.
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I had the perfect opportunity to adress this last night but I chickened out.
I woke in the middle of the night and upon opening the restroom door I found him enjoying himself. He made his usual "excuse you" comment then let me use the restroom. Once he came to bed I really wanted to talk but I silently cried myself to sleep.
This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be...
D-day 5/29/2010
FWW-29
BH- 31
3 beautiful sons (6,3 & 1)
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Blove, you've got to tell him you can't put up with this any more.
That is the first step.
He may respond well to it, or he may not. Depending on his response, we will help you through the next step.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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How long has he had this porn problem?
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I had the perfect opportunity to adress this last night but I chickened out.
I woke in the middle of the night and upon opening the restroom door I found him enjoying himself. He made his usual "excuse you" comment then let me use the restroom. Once he came to bed I really wanted to talk but I silently cried myself to sleep.
This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be... I wouldn't threaten it, but the next time he subjects you to something like that I'd pack his bags. In the meantime just let him know it's unacceptably hurtful.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I had the perfect opportunity to adress this last night but I chickened out.
I woke in the middle of the night and upon opening the restroom door I found him enjoying himself. He made his usual "excuse you" comment then let me use the restroom. Once he came to bed I really wanted to talk but I silently cried myself to sleep.
This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be... I wouldn't threaten it, but the next time he subjects you to something like that I'd pack his bags. In the meantime just let him know it's unacceptably hurtful. I know how hurtful and destructive this is. I wouldn't talk about it. I would write him a letter. Tell him that it breaks your heart for him to have sexual experiences other than with you. Tell him that you want to be his one and only, and that selfsex leaves you out, that you consider it disloyalty/infidelity. That you consider it the same as an affair, even if it is just with himself and images of other women. Fidelity=loyalty Tell him that it's killing you for him to break his vows in this way. Then go see an attorney and prepare yourself for separation so that the next time you can pack his bags and change the locks.
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We talked last night for 2 hrs. He agreed to completely stop and apologized. I asked him if he'd be OK with handing over his devices so I could check them and he brought up how easy it would be to delete the history. Is there a way to lock the browsing history on a tablet, phone and computer?
D-day 5/29/2010
FWW-29
BH- 31
3 beautiful sons (6,3 & 1)
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We talked last night for 2 hrs. He agreed to completely stop and apologized. I asked him if he'd be OK with handing over his devices so I could check them and he brought up how easy it would be to delete the history. Is there a way to lock the browsing history on a tablet, phone and computer? Easiest is just to get rid of the internet and both get dumb phones on a voice only plan.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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You could put on parental controls he's aware of and spyware that he isn't.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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That is wonderful news.
Now you need to watch him like a hawk. Get spyware on all devices.
How long has he been looking at porn?
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He's in college right now and getting rid of Internet isn't possible since half of his courses are online.
He asked me not to install spyware on one device and was OK with any parental control (something he won't have a pw to). He mainly used his phone to watch it.
Prisca, he's been watching porn since before I knew him. Although he admitted he wasn't a fan of it back then. Usually around the time I give birth to our babies he increases the amount of times he's watching it. Im positive this is due to me not being able to meet his sf need since during that time I'm healing from a csection. our youngest turned 1 in May and this time around he didn't ever stop watching it. I would say 18 months is about how long he's been looking at porn with no breaks.
D-day 5/29/2010
FWW-29
BH- 31
3 beautiful sons (6,3 & 1)
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