Hi, Im new here and seek advice. I discovered my H EA June 2014. The OW was a friend of mine(who is married) and lives right next door. My WS and I tried to work on our marriage but he refused to stop contact with her. He only began to lie to me more and more and became more secretive and our arguments increased. He also became more distant with me, naturally because he was investing all his emotional energy with her. I know that a lot of my reactions were based on my emotions which resulted in him moving out. Moved out Feb 2015 as he needed space and to work on himself. He continues to stay in contact with me on a daily basis from the day he left, which confuses me more. He has not stopped contact with the OW because I still get the phone bills and he is calling her 15-20 times a day. When I confront him he lies and says he is not speaking to her. He says he loves me but not in love with me. He doesn't want a divorce because he said he would be a fool to let me go. He knows he is hurting me but he says he needs to go through his process and that I need to let things be. Then why does he continue to call me? Is he just making sure I am still safety net for him? Why can't he just let me go? I am an emotional wreck and have been seeking counseling but I don't want to give up on my marriage. I love him dearly and I know who is today is not truly who he is as a person. Do I stop taking his calls? We have kids? How do I do this? I just feel so lost.
Sorry for the long post
We have been together 11 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2

Ced, he isn't going to let you go because you are half the addiction - she is the other half. You meet some needs, she meets others. He gets to have his cake and eat it too - plus he believes he is a grand prize and you are happy to sit on the backburner waiting.

Contact with you also props up his doomed-to-fail affair. Your presence in the background encourages her to compete.

Dr H recommends women go into Plan B and assertively cut off contact just three weeks after Discovery day unless their husband does recovery 100 pc. Not only does it prevent cake eating but it is enormously abusive and damaging to your health to put up with this. I was staggering on my feet after just a few weeks of an unremorseful spouse. If you've been putting up with this for a year you must be one step away from the funny farm.

I would:

Stop responding to messages for the time being. Tell him you need a few days space or that you're going away out of cell reception. Better still if you can go stay with a supportive friend or family member who can ensure you eat and help prepare your plan B.

Nominate a calm level headed friend who can mediate messages between you. She should be someone who can act towards him in a fairly neutral way.

Read up on plan B. Change all contact details so he can't reach you.

Plan B is required whether you are interested in recovery or not. You can't keep getting insulting messages with the affair anthem of I love you but not in love with you.

Was the affair properly exposed to his, yours and her family and friends?

For some reason I can't post links on my phone. If you go to the main forums page, important announcements, you'll see notable posts.

The how to Plan B correctly thread is in there and will explain how to prepare plan B. It also has links to a training thread for your intermediary and plan B sample letters which explain to your spouse that it is too painful to be in contact until they end their affair.

Hugs and welcome to MB. Plan B is amazing!

Hi ced, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your husband moved out to pursue his affair with the OW. If you had showed up here a year ago, we would have advised you to a) expose the affair wide and far and b) MOVE OUT immediately. Since that was not done, the affair has thrived and grown. Your husband now has the very best set up with his continuing affair with the OW with you on the sidelines as his option.

While it might be too late to save this, you do have a small chance if you will a expose the affair, MOVE IMMEDIATELY and cut off all contact with him.

But first you need to read up on how this program works. Start with exposure: Exposure and read this: Plan A and Plan B. You can download Surviving an Affair on kindle for PC at amazon.

He is keeping you around as an option if his affair doesn't work out. In many ways you are propping up his affair. I don't think you want to do that.

Hi Indiegirl, thank you for your thoughts. I have exposed to his friends, but they don't believe it. My WS has a way of making it sound that I am making up lies and spreading rumors He says i am telling everybody our business and how could I expect him to come back and want to work on the marriage if everyone knows. The one thing I have not done is expose this to other betrayed spouse in fear of what he would do to my WS. MY WS told me that I would be responsible for breaking up another marriage if I told his AP husband because they are just friends. So crazy

What would I do if I was not afraid. I would expose this to the other betrayed spouse and go completely no contact with my WS. This is something I should have done along time ago. I am just mustering up the courage to do it.

ced, for starters, you should make up a list of exposure targets starting with the OW's husband. The affair should be exposed to everyone. The OW's husband will not be happy that you enabled the affair so long but you must do it. Go read my exposure thread in my signature and come back and lets talk.

Part of the reason this situation is so bad is because of your timid approach. Are you willing to take some tough steps or will you continue to be timid? Because if you are, there is very little we can do for you. You have to make a choice to be strong.

You are too smart to believe this nonsense.

Ced, courage doesn't show up on the doorstep giftwrapped. You have to do it now, while afraid, hands shaking. That's fine. You'll feel brave afterwards.

The other spouse deserves to know as much as you did. Don't believe the traditional text book horror stories about the other spouse. You might want to advise the other spouse to take a big friend with him if he confronts your husband - a witness who can hold him back and keep him out of trouble.

But at the end of the day your husband can't sleep with someone's wife and not expect trouble. Don't stand between him and consequences.

You need a more dramatic exposure than telling just one person. What about your family and friends would they call him? Your in laws? Pastor? Certainly expose OW to Facebook friends and on a cheater website too. That usually raises the temperature nicely and since he's protective of her - she's a weak spot you want to hit.

There's an exposure thread in Melody Lanes signature - read it and make sure you hit ALL relevant targets in 24 hours. The idea is for people to blow up the adulterers phones all at once.

It seems that he is driving this situation and the information about it. That needs to stop today. Divorce is not his option, it's yours. He's a lying cheater. You're not. Don't be a guarantee for him. Cheaters love safety nets at home in case their plan A fails. Don't be that safety net.

I often wonder whether the reason so few waywards file is because they just don't want to have that discussion with a lawyer.

"I want a divorce please"
"On what grounds, sir?"
"I'm having an affair"
"No, you could divorce your wife for her adultery, but you can't get a divorce to pursue your own".
"Oh. What about unreasonable behaviour? She's told some friends I'm cheating"
"No sir. That's not unreasonable".

Of course they could make stuff up but they don't have much left over brain power for paperwork.

Hi ced, I am sorry for your pain.

Does the neighbor husband know about the affair?

sorry, I see now that you did not yet expose to the OWs husband. This is vital to have a hope of saving your marriage. He may work with you to provide info, but also, he deserves to know the truth. If he knew first, you would want him to tell you, wouldn't you?

Please spend tonight preparing for exposure. Start with the neighbor's husband, but do not stop there. You need to get it all done in one block of time.