It has been a while since I have posted. I still do visit from time to time, and I see that some people still have not grasped the concept that working on a marriage is far better than the temporary high of an affair. I digress.

Does anyone know if Dr. Harley (or anyone) has developed a substantial per-marriage questionnaire ( I mean a really good one)? I am thinking something around a 15 - 50 pager of things to work through prior to entertaining the thought of getting married.

I am particularly interested as my son is getting interested in a young lady. If he is anything like I was hormones play a role in the decision making process and I am thinking a well constructed questionnaire of issues to address and consider may be just the thing to get the focus on important issues that are currently not seen due to the I'm so in Love" fog.

It seems practical to me this process needs to be more intense than the two days and 5 stages of interviews I had to go through for some of my jobs. There is more at risk getting into the wrong relationship. If one is not willing to put in the effort to understand the principles of building a successful relationship then jettisoning the thought of marriage is reasonable in my mind.

The last thing I want my son to experience is the devastation divorce imposes on individuals and families. As the African proverb says "When the elephants fight it is the grass that suffers". I know my divorce from WW has had and continues to have impact on my children.

Thanks in advance for any assistance you are able to offer.

Here is a good article by Dr. Harley that addresses important issues:

Choosing the Right One to Marry

That is a good article, and in fact Dr. Harley has a whole section full of very interesting articles (Q&A columns) on the subject of preparing for marriage, choosing the right one to marry, etc.:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html

Look down the left hand sidebar and it links to all of the articles in the section.

You might also check out Dr. Harley's book "I Promise You" and/or "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders"

Dr. Harley usually warns people against giving unsolicited advice, and I think he would encourage you to hold off to some extent with an adult child. But he encourages giving a book as an alternative. We just gave a stack of books to a relative who is getting married, and she is thrilled - I hope she will read them.

My personal feeling is that it's important to recognize in advance that our grown children are going to make some mistakes and sometimes they are going to have to learn the hard way. You probably know best whether or not your child is going to be open to input or not. Some will insist on not listening.

Things for me to think about - I don't have any adult children yet, but I have seven, with one on the way.

Thanks ML but the link comes back as invalid

Markos
Thanks and I agree except my son has been talking to me about what to I think and questions like how do you know. Thus the reason of looking for an impartial questionnaire / worksheet that is not coming from Dad but a reliable source.

Perfect! If he's asking you, then it's not unsolicited advice when you answer.

I think she meant this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068b_qa.html

It's in the list of articles in the section I linked to.

Sorry about that! Here ya go: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068b_qa.html

Out of curiosity, did your wifes affair die or is it still ongoing?

Oh my goodness it has been a real roller coaster according to my kids. They are tired of the drama. She has had several attempts of living with him, got engaged to him, then engagement off (we were still married at the time) moved out, then another boyfriend cause number one guy did not meet her needs either, then back to number one, then moved to my daughters temporarily.

While there some guy who had been living with a woman for 14 years fell madly in love with her, she moved in with him for a couple weeks, then that blew up,back to daughters, daughter told her she needs to find her own place, she moves to her own place, and now I hear that they may be engaged again. Whew get all that? This is only what I hear from the frustration expressed by the kids.

I am happy to say, not my circus, not my monkeys, however it does not make me happy that the kids have to be downhill of all this craziness. I'm just glad to be done with it.Some people are bound and determined to create the drama if it does not already exist. I am happy to be on my own away from it all.

That sounds like quite the mess. Add it to the list of affairs that don't last.