Of course there are bad people out there, but the MB plan for recovery provides for the building of defenses against outside threats. Guarding your love bank is a very important part of maintaining good boundaries. If your wife had never accepted love bank deposits from your friend, there would have never been an affair - even if he does have the best abs in the world! Likewise, you should not confide personally with any members of the opposite sex as you are dealing with this present problem. We all are vulnerable. It is the extraordinary precautions we take that protect us, not our willpower to resist the temptations.

People fall in love by spending lots of fun time together in conversation, recreational companionship, expressing admiration, etc. So, married people can't do that. It's as simple as that!

FindingFreedom! Very good to see you again! It would be great if you and Learning2Cherish gave us a full update.

True! That's what a seduction artist does all day is make love deposits in someone bank account. My trust is shaky- last night neither one of got any sleep including my ex- friend who I talked to over the phone with. He never left her she left him, however he does admit to staying in communication with her and they both admitted to recently kissing yet deny any sexual behaviour. Do you think that it's possible to kiss for hours at a time and not have sex? To say that I suspect mischief is an understatement. What if they were planning to run off together and live of alimony? The other area of doubt that I'd like to address is her diary one entry read that they had sex 14 times in one day not reflective of our relationship. Second entry read talked about the girth of his genitalia and how she could never go back to having sex with me. So why me? If I don't fit into the parameters of a PA, why me. Must be kind of difficult being with me. Look you can't parade me in public and don't want sex, what's left? How do I address these doubts?

Yahoo, I wouldn't have any more communication with that ex-friend other than to order him to stay away from your wife or else. Your wife needs to write that no-contact letter soon, let you review it and send it, and then you guys need to change every possible piece of contact information you have to get rid of this guy.

FYI I introduced my wife to all my friends years ago, including one recently divorced guy that I noticed was flirting with every woman he knew online. It wasn't long till she was asking me suspicious questions about what I could and couldn't see about her activity on Facebook. Lo and behold, "friend" was grooming her for his next target.

I have a lot less friends today, the friends I DO have are much higher quality friends, and I am much, much happier!

Reach out and send him an email, Yahoo:

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce are kind and immensely helpful.

Welcome back, FF. Your marriage reached quite a difficult point when you were last here. How do you define having "made it"? What happened with your H's affair?

If you stick around on these forums for a while you will come to notice a pattern that people in affairs simply have no brain. There is a type of thinking, which is very far from reality, produced by the wash of brain chemicals when you have two people meeting your needs. what I am saying is - don't take the diary as gospel.

If she had been single and dating him and only him the diary would have been full of his shortcomings. You aren't crazy and can see things clearly when you are having just one relationship and the guy has to measure up.

In an affair, the wayward tends to make up traits that the lover simply doesn't have. I mean she was 'proud to show him off' - hardly he was a deep dark secret. The wayward also tends to demonise or insult the spouse to keep a handle on the guilt and validate the affair. This is usually so acute that (women especially) often leave their clearly superior spouse for the (frequently a loser) lover.

There are too many examples of this - one successful surgeon lost his wife to a guy who lived in a trailer and gave blood for a living. The surgeon was willing to quit his job and spend more time with her but she was besotted. Didn't last though because while the affair was secret she could play lets-make-beleive-he's-perfect. It always happens.

The way you can address the doubts is no contact with OM. If there is no affair she doesnt have to generate doubts about you in order to validate the affair.

1. Don't stay up all night. It isn't productive and may hurt your relationship.
2. Eliminate OM. The only concvo you should have is to tell him to stay away.
3. We consider kissing sexual contact. Establish no contact. Your wife should write a no contact letter that you approve and mail. Use the form letter from this website. I think someone posted it earlier in you thread.
4. It sounds like the OM is committing disability fraud. Consider reporting him as a part of destroying the affair.
5. Have you read the thread "For the Newly Betrayed" in the Notable posts Forum? It contains the basic info you need.
6. Download Surviving an Affair on Kindle or Audible today. Read/listen asap.
7. She has come back to you, including having sex, obviously you did something right. If she wrote those words years ago, then the present has proved them a lie.
8. See your doctor TODAY for antidepressants. You need help mainaining emotional stability. ADs

And DON'T either of you make the mistake of mentioning Marriage Buildees or this forum to Scumbag or anyone who knows him.

Do you have Surviving an Affair yet?

Have you gone through the checklist? Can you tell us what has been done, and what is left to do?

Have you exposed? Has she written a No Contact Letter?

Here is the checklist again. Please go through it and tell us what has been done, and what is left to do.

This is a crucial step. Don't skip it.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

That checklist has been done and sent to the om, that's not what bothers me though. Indie touched on a sensitive issue in regards to trust. A fellow at work previously worked for NASA his marriage didn't last either because he wife left him for a fellow that looked an actor on the set of Vikings, they met at the gym where she couldn't keep her eyes off of his legs. Om was a super loser that lived with his mother and frequented various churches to get free groceries until he met her. It was well known among her friends that she liked looking at his legs as he cut the grass on their lawn, anyway to spare the boring details she left her husband and their spacious home for a two bedroom home in a lower income community. Problem was while she was staring at his legs her BFF was staring at his feet at they ended up sleeping together. Let's back track a little after she left her husband to move in with the Viking the husband bought her a brand new car, it was a nice thing to do. After the Viking broke up with her she gave him the car, because it was a good thing to do. Viking has moved back into his mother's house and the car is on blocks because he doesn't have the money to insure it. Is it possible to be truly happy with someone ugly? Beginning to wonder if the stress isn't worth it?

Wait, what? You don't need to send that checklist to the OM!

Yahoo, there is a letter to send to the OM, but you don't send the checklist to him

Please copy the list into a new post and tell us which items on it have been done and which haven't been done yet. That will help us give you a good idea of whether or not the stress might be worth it or not.

Yes, of course she can be in love with you. We will help you with that.

Did your wife send the NO CONTACT letter to the OM? Surely you don't mean you sent the check list to the OM?

Did you and your wife DO the items on the checklist?

Took the day off today and am slowly packing my things trying to decide weither to stay or go, however ***EDIT*** they hid it from me for years, and now their saying the daughter isn't mine. Think I'm done. All my clothes are packed so the plan is to get a hotel for the night and then move into an apartment. Until the divorce is finalized and then I'll fulfill a dream of obtaining an condo hopefully between the 20th and 40th floor. It won't be easy I will miss her. Problems began when I married a 10 while being a 6 it didn't work out.

Yahoo, if you don't want to be married, we will support you in that. You might want to take some time to decide. As you can see, you are on an emotional roller coaster right now. One moment you want to stay, one moment you don't, one moment you want to hurt her the way she hurt you.

My suggestion is you get your wife to start doing the things on that checklist while you decide, in case your emotions turn back to wanting to stay.

Yeah! I'm out for various reasons 1. Marrital incompatibilty my wife is far to beautiful and I'm not, we aren't a match. Instead of marrying for compatibility I focused on the exterior instead of the interior. Before dating my wife I briefly had a relationship with a woman of substance and character. However it ended due to my irresponsibility.
2. Come on how can I compete against a good looking man? Our home looked like Best Buy with the newest technology. The babysitter cleaned the house, washed the dishes, washed the clothes etc. what can I do to find me attractive like om? Write a poem? Improve my listening skills? Om ignored her was a dirty guy torn faded blue jeans. Should I ignore her too? Come on! We disagreed and I was accused of verbal abuse, with om it was romance. Wife told me that I'm a nice guy. Get this last night she told me that om was a jerk. Om smokes pot and she needs to rescue him... Me well I smoke cigarettes and need to use Nicorette and take responsibility for myself. I like classical music and she and om like rock. Accuses me of being a couch potato. What do we have in common? Wife said if you can't dance you can't do nothing for me, I can't dance yet she wants to be with me how does that sound? It's like we're so opposite that we're going in opposite directions. Might I teach her to learn to like classical music? How does one learn to like classical music? Myself never learned to like opera forget about it. She eats steak while I eat vegan... Think I'm going to stop now! What is your plan to end this farcity?

You misunderstood me completely. Most affair partners look like trolls. Those few who are cute are twice as ugly inside. My point was that absolutely everyone affairs DOWN. Affairs don't last because the affair partner is without exception a loser.

People were stunned when my husband left me for an overweight woman with bad skin who was copying my look. But we see that dynamic over and over again when we get people to expose on cheater websites - the OP is a loser, sometimes obviously ugly, sometimes internally ugly, who can't get their own mate.

If you don't want to do recovery that's entirely your call - it's a few years before you would have feelings of trust.

But the PA issue isn't the huge deal you are making it. When she was in an affair she wasn't in her right mind. When she made the decision to marry you she was.

People have affairs at the gym because it is recreational and social. Not because people are too hot to resist! No married person should be working out alone at the gym it's a breeding ground for affairs.

Of course once someone is in an affair (and has lost half their brains) they probably would spout nonsense about it being an instant attraction etc..