My boyfriend of over a year and future husband (I hope) cheated on me with his ex wife during the first few months we were together - actually, they still aren't legally divorced yet, but have been split up for more than 3 years. So, they don't have kids together, but she has a daughter and grandson that he helped raise. So the ex and the step-grandson are still hanging around his family and consider themselves to still be part of his family - she is also roommates and close friends with his sister. Well, hello soap opera!
So, they are no longer seeing each other and he is committed to us and me,but she won't go away. My BF's mother is dying and in hospice so the EX has been around a LOT lately, and has continued to introduce herself as the daughter in law. My BF told her that he no longer considers her family, and she needs to back off, but his parents and his sister still accept her as family. His sister and ex HATE me, and don't hide it in any way - they have never said why, the only thing i can assume is that it is because they view ME as the one who was cheating with my BF when he was cheating on his WIFE, with me! She had left him 2 years before he and i got together, but they still talked most every day and remained very close friends. He told me from the start that they were over and even that they were divorced. Truthfully, he had spent those 2 years begging her to take him back. He couldn't get over her. After he and I were together for a short while, he started seeing her again and she pretended that she might forgive him and take him back. I caught him once and he swore it was over between them and that he wanted me. I believed him and forgave him. But he kept seeing her and I caught him again. It turned out that she was only seeing him again (she said) because she wanted him to get caught and lose me to get back at him for what he had done to her (at least that's what she said). This time was much more devastating for me and I felt like I could never trust him again because he had done it to me TWICE in my mind, and how do I ever believe him again? Truthfully, I think she had finally realized that she really DID want him after he met me and decided to move on. And he thought that he had wanted her for so long, that seeing her would maybe really convince her and they would be back together. He denies it and says he was just confused and hadn't really gotten over her - that he loved me, but hadn't been able to completely let go. After he got caught, he realized what he had with me and that I was what he really wanted, especially since it turned out that she didn't really want him. Sometimes I feel like I ended up being the 2nd choice - the choice that he was stuck with because he couldn't have what he really wanted. I honestly don't know if that is true or not.
So, that was the end of last October. I was just beginning to believe that he was truly over her and was commited to me and us. And then his mother got sick. And she is around almost constantly and playing her long time role as part of the family. I truly believe that she had wanted him all along, and had never stopped thinking of him as her husband, but just couldn't forgive him - I think she thought that he would continue to pursue her and they would eventually get back together. Which would make sense that she hates me, because I was cheating with HER husband.
Anyway, I don't think he wants her anymore now, but I'm not sure about how she feels. And I can see how she acts, like she is still part of the family and in her same role as his wife. They don't have any communication outside of running in to each other at gatherings or what ever (that I know of, of course), but she will definitely be there at the funeral service. And she knows much more of his family and has been around all of them for many more years than i have, so it is all very awkward for me. I think it is understandable for me to be anxious and worried about all this togetherness especially when he is so vulnerable during this sad time. I can't always be around, of course. I tried to express this to him, but he got angry and defensive saying that he had been faithful and trying to prove his loyalty and love for me since last October and was just sick of me being insecure and not trusting him. I tried to explain about trust - that it takes a long time to build, a second to break, and even longer to rebuild after it's been broken. He thinks it's been long enough and I should be over it. I think that's unfair. [b]I'm wondering how to handle HER at these family gatherings and what my response should be when she introduces herself as the daughter in law. I have no control over whether she is invited to these events, as his father has made it clear that he still sees her and the step grandson as family and that she is welcome to come to anything and everything. I want to reach over and slap her and remind her that she is NOT his wife and she needs to back off and re-evaluate her place in this family. And yes, I know that she technically IS his wife, and that technically from that perspective, I am the one he is cheating WITH, not the one who was cheated ON. But she had left him over 2 years before we were together and had made it clear that she in NO WAY wanted him. That, to me, says it's over. To make it worse, my BF thinks that it may be OK for him to still be friends with her as long as nothing else is going on. I have read the marriage builders stuff and know without a doubt that there can NEVER be any type of friendship between them, but under the circumstances, I cannot really enforce the no contact rule. Note: he would love to see and continue a relationship with his step-grandson, but she will not allow any part of that - according to her it's because the BF is not blood with the boy and because she doesn't want the boy to have anything to do with me (she hates me).

This is hilarious! You don't "trust" your married boyfriend to stay away from his WIFE?

That really sounds like marriage material to me!

How old are you that you don't know any better than this?

Seriously?

Why?

This is ridiculous. Date an UNMARRIED man. What about this situation is good for anyone? Get as far away from this man as possible.

You are not his "girlfriend." You are an affair partner, a mistress...the other woman. Get over the marriage fantasies with this guy and move on.

She isn't his ex; she IS their daughter-in-law. You are his mistress. You are adulterers. I would not permit a family member's affair partner ANYWHERE NEAR my sick parent.

Your problem isn't your adulterous BF's wife, you apparently have a problem with Merriam-Webster.

This HAS to be saved as one of the most outrageous displays of what an affair partner will say to rationalize what they are doing is right, in their condensed mind.

It's sure a good thing that she read the articles here first. Could you imagine if she were any foggier?

The Families DAUGHT-IN-LAW and Your Affair Partners WIFE is accepted by his blood relatives because SHE IS HIS WIFE AND THEIR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

Oh.....

But that is only "Technically" correct.

Run..... Run Fast..... Get Away From This Low Life Guy and quit being in the same vein as him.

If you wallow with pigs..... etc... you fill in the blanks.

LTL

Dr. Harley would encourage you not to date anyone married, even if separated as your boyfriend is.
I understand that he is separated for 3 years and emotionally done with his marriage but she is still his legal wife and part of the family. His mother is dying and none of this will turn out good for you in the long run.

He hasn't divorced his wife because that's what cheaters do. They don't let go of any cake - he doesn't see any reason why he can't stay married and have new girlfriends too. Why on earth are you sticking around now you know you are the mistress?

Post his pic on a cheating website as a courtesy to the next girl and move on.

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