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markos Offline OP
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Men,

When you are following the Marriage Builders plan, if your wife asks you not to meet her emotional needs, meet them anyway.

Now if she indicates that something you are doing to try to meet her needs is specifically not going to meet her needs (like say you are grabbing her from behind in the kitchen and groping her - most women wouldn't like that!), then stop doing that, but find something else to do that does meet her needs, and do that faithfully.

Also, snoop like crazy for an affair, and be with her for 100% of her recreational time. Make sure it is all with you.

Don't stop doing Marriage Builders just because your wife tells you to stop doing Marriage Builders. crazy If she doesn't want a close relationship with you, then she can easily separate from you and divorce you. She doesn't even have to discuss it with you. (And I would not discuss it with her!) But if somebody is going to be married to you, then you are going to pursue having a romantic relationship with that woman, for as long as you are married, because that is just the kind of guy you are. smile

Last edited by markos; 06/29/15 09:54 AM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Good thread idea Markos. smile

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Originally Posted By: markos
Now if she indicates that something you are doing to try to meet her needs is specifically not going to meet her needs (like say you are grabbing her from behind in the kitchen and groping her - most women wouldn't like that!), then stop doing that, but find something else to do that does meet her needs, and do that faithfully.
Now seriously, isn't that behavior more about meeting your ENs than her's? That is a big problem with men; assuming their needs and their spouse's needs are the same. That is what "His Needs, Her Needs" is all about; recognizing and meeting her ENs and not just your own. Don't presume what your wife wants, and don't just gravitate toward meeting just those needs that you personally want to meet.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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markos Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: mrEureka
Originally Posted By: markos
Now if she indicates that something you are doing to try to meet her needs is specifically not going to meet her needs (like say you are grabbing her from behind in the kitchen and groping her - most women wouldn't like that!), then stop doing that, but find something else to do that does meet her needs, and do that faithfully.
Now seriously, isn't that behavior more about meeting your ENs than her's?


Absolutely.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I feel a womans needs constantly change.. Heck my own change all the time. Like the wind direction. So if you are not sure or something she used to like as her need is no longer working like it used to and she finds that need your trying to meet annoying....make sure to ask and keep communication open.. Which is also usually one of her needs conversation.

*waves*

MNG

Edit: whoah.. My sig is a bit outdated... smirk

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 07/10/15 05:57 PM.
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Originally Posted By: markos
and be with her for 100% of her recreational time. Make sure it is all with you


I have questions on this because it has crossed my mind a lot. What do you consider recreational? Also how do you balance this with their need for "alone" time and without resentment?

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Originally Posted By: HappyAndConfused
Originally Posted By: markos
and be with her for 100% of her recreational time. Make sure it is all with you


I have questions on this because it has crossed my mind a lot. What do you consider recreational? Also how do you balance this with their need for "alone" time and without resentment?

We tend to work with the suggestions given in Dr Harley's Recreational Inventory. This list isn't exhaustive, but it gives an idea of what kinds of things you could add to the list.

Recreational companionship should form a substantial part of the 15 hours a week spent outside of the home, doing things as a couple, without the presence of other people - especially your children. This is known as time for Undivided Attention (UA).

UA time should combine the needs of recreational companionship, conversation, affection and sexual fulfilment. (Generally speaking, we get the sexual fulfilment part at home - but feel free to do this elsewhere, within the law!)

You will see that the suggestions of Dr Harley's list allow us to combine recreational companionship, conversation and affection. Sexual fulfilment can come at home, at the end of the date (and at other times, of course).

If a new spouse, like yours, wants to prioritise "alone time" to the extent that he or she is unwilling or unable to meet the 15 hours UA time, I would question their need for, and commitment to, marriage.

In a longer marriage, such a priority would be the sign of a failing marriage.

Have you read Dr Harley's Basic Concepts? You should do so immediately. There is a link in the red area at the top of every page.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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