Hi everyone -
I'm really hoping for guidance and advice on where everything has gone wrong. I'm so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained that I just don't think my marriage is worth it anymore.

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years (together for 11), and we have 2 kids (7 and 1.5). We've been to counseling 3 times (premarital, about 2 years in, and then a couple years ago). My husband does not listen, doesn't get it, has difficulties communicating, accepting any fault, taking any kind of constructive criticism, bottles up his feelings until he explodes, etc. Personality wise: I'm more assertive, need to get my feelings/problems out and vent, he is very passive, gets defensive easily, and does not do well with confrontation..at least with me. He works in a correctional facility and deals with confrontation everyday..really well actually. This adds to my frustration.

I've struggled with my communication in the past and have come on too strong. During our last counseling streak, I was desperate to fix our marriage and willing to try everything as a last ditch effort. It was suggested that I start asking him if it was an okay time to discuss some issue I've had on my mind. This was an easy cop out for him because no time was ever good. I was told to back off and try later. This would go on for weeks until I exploded. So then it was decided that maybe writing journals back and forth would be better. He read maybe 2 and then quit responding. I thought maybe I'm not getting it out well. I've replaced the word with sad/scared in the instances the words fits in because it's more accurate and lessens the intensity of the conversation. I've printed out articles on here, the quizzes, highlighted phrases and wrote "this..this is how I feel" in hopes something will help him understand. I feel completely unloved, uncared for, sexually abused, and taken for granted. I've gin easy far as asked him to move out. Still won't listen. I can't begin the plan with some effort from him. How can I convince him to try?

The love busters are so great, and there is so much resentment because of all the broken promises that I just don't trust him anymore either. I know this my issue, but ive given it my all only to be crushed. I can't go through that again.

The issues started before we were married. Those issues included a very clingy and manipulative mother in law that he refused to talk to and set boundaries with. The first counselor gave him a script to follow and tips for all the what ifs that could arise. Nothing. I had to have a coming to Jesus meeting with her and issue an ultimatum to keep my sanity.

After we were married, his job came before me. He rarely cleans and will only do half the job when he does now (dishes but won't wipe off the counters, sort clothes, won't hang or put away).

After our daughter was born, he only took off for 2 days. I had an 18 hour natural labor, first baby, was awake for 32 hours because I worked up until she was born, and I had some post partum depression. He got mad at me because I would call him crying around noon because I wasn't able to eat or take a shower because the baby was crying.

I worked full time, struggled with post partum, and had an extremely stressful job, but his need for constant sex (what he thinks is intimacy) only grew. I was never in the mood (birth control didn't help), there was resentment, and constant pressure. At first I would end up giving in so I could finally go to sleep. I felt so used. Then when I said I was tired, he would just play with me and masterbate. I was a live sex doll. This would go on for over an hour...even after repeated attempts to tell him to stop and leave me alone. My feelings weren't respected. After counseling, it's gotten a little better, but I have to walk on eggshells. If he gets turned on, he can't turn it off. I know this isn't my issue, but it's easier to just avoid that territory. Now I understand sex is important, but I just cannot schedule sex. It does nothing. He think intimacy is strictly sex. Its communication, trust, and physical. We greatly lack the first 2 which affects the 3rd.

He cannot accept fault in anything he does. He'll either get defensive or find a way to turn it or combine in other things to somehow do this mutual fault thing.

He disagree on raising our kids. I try the Love and Logic approach, but he thinks things like saving her dinner for breakfast is stupid and abusive. My 7 year old back talks me, refuses to help out, throws a fit when I make her, and I have to ask multiple times. These same behaviors are what my husband does so I know she's learning these behaviors. I love my daughter dearly. She's smart, polite (to strangers), makes friends easily, well mannered for the most part. But it scares me that she acts the same way towards me as my husband does.

He only makes decisions based on his interests. When things go wrong and I point out how/why, he does this "next time I'll do this" thing. Everything is hindsight. And it is so frustrating! If he would just stop and think about others, even briefly, we wouldn't have this problem. He comes up with ideas like seeing a financial planner, but then I have to collect everything he needs. I make all the kids appointments, plan everything from trips, to grocery lists with zero help. All while working 2 jobs and rais�ng 2 kids. I'm exhausted!

The issues with his family are stressful. His mom is bipolar and gets manic around the holidays. His brother is also an alcoholic. I'm not comfortable around either when they are like this. We have been given tips and suggestions to help deal with these issues...one being planning for the what ifs. For instance, during Easter, I asked that his brother refrain from drinking for the 2 hours we were there. We limit the time we are there to help with the stress. I asked that he ask his parents to communicate this to his brother (their house after all), and ask his brother to do the same. Before the trip (an hour away), we agreed that if he started drinking, we would immediately leave. We showed up and he was already drinking. Instead of following our agreed plan, he made light of the situation and said he was bad drinking or annoying.

I've told my husband I'm at my wits end, emotion�lly exhausted, very sad, struggle with anxiety and depression due to stress, and I've told him I've been thinking about divorce. I've asked him to move out for a while. He won't do that either.

So how do I either begin untangling this or how do I begin to move on?

These problems can be fixed by MB but both parties must be willing.

Have you read the basic concepts or any of the books? if not, read the basic concepts and we can talk more.

Yes, I have read the concepts. I think the plan sounds great. It's different than other counseling techniques we've done. I've proposed this plan, printed out the basic concepts, a few of the articles for him to read, the his/her needs, and the other questionnaire. I've left mine for him to read. But right now, everything is one sided.

Hi DEHCO, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. If you can get your husband to follow this program, your marriage would be great. But I think you already know that. We can help you turn this around if he can get on board.

Since you have tried many things, I would email Dr. Harley and enlist his help in persuading your husband to go through this program. He will give you free counsel if you email him at his radio show at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Send him your initial post and include your phone #. [it costs nothing]

If your husband won't participate, we will support you in separating from him. In the meantime, please don't continue to have sex with him. What you describe is disgusting and will only lead to a sexual aversion. It will make the situation worse, not better.

Here is a link to his radio show. You don't have to go on his radio show to get advice, but you can listen to the link and get an idea of the type of advice he dispenses. He is awesome! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Thank you Melody. I will tune in and email Dr. Harvey for advice on where to go from here. I'm at a crossroad on whether this can be saved or how to start separation.

Let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.