I've been married 18 years, 19 next month. I feel my husband is more like a roommate or friend at this point. There have been numerous problems and issues on both sides so don't think I'm saying it's his fault. I'm at the point of feeling a lot of nothing. I fantasize daily about having my own place. I'm to the point I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than staying in this marriage and feeling this way.

You can create a fun, romantic marriage if you follow the program. Are you willing to do this ?

Quail, there are two reasons for falling out of love

A) Lovebusters (destroy love) anger, disrespectful judgements, independent behaviour (actions which do not have the other person's approval) and annoying habits.

B) Failure to maintain love. Couples should spend 15 hours a week together (four x four hour dates a week) meeting the needs of recreation, conversation and affection.

Which camp is your marriage in? What are the main complaints?

Anger, demands and judgements have been his constant for better part of 15 years towards me. He made me too scared to leave when the kids were little. In turn I've withdrawn, lied and developed my own independent behaviors from time to time. I haven't felt a real love connection with him in years, it's withered away. I feel that most every part I gave him of myself and my time he neglected, judged, misused, tried to fix or manipulated. I just turned 45, he's had nearly half of my life and I now feel that the better part of my life is over and I'm stuck spending the rest with someone who I feel is often mad at me, tries to control most of my life and who I feel very little for as a husband.

We've done the book before, neither of us fully committing so of course it wasn't successful for very long. Throughout the years I gave him everything of me; my time, love, help, support, body and soul. It never seemed to be good enough or important enough and I often felt deserted in all aspects. Now I'm not sure I have anything left to give.

Are either of you willing to try the program to change the status quo?

Would your H be willing to post?

His AOs would have to stop as a part of the program.

We're trying the book again currently.
Emotionally he just wears me out. Always feel like I'm losing or I'm wrong and crazy. I hate fighting and I have to choose; to keep quiet and say nothing if I don't agree and just let him have his say or stand up and try to get my voice heard, which ends in us disagreeing, sometimes fighting and feeling like it's all my fault anyway. Tiring, pointless battle. I tried reaching out today........to tell him I'm struggling. Long story short, he ended up coming home from work a little early, even though I said not to come home and we'd talk later. Ended up in a hollering match and in tears after trying to explain something to him. After he walked off and reread what we were talking about, he saw what I said and came in and said I was right. I didn't care about being right, just wanted to be heard. As usual, we both ended up losing anyway and I feel worse now than I did when I was trying to share.

Do you have the book Love Busters? Will your H get into an anger management program?

Have him listen to the clips in here.
Anger Management 101

Have you seen this?

What to do with an Angry Husband

Thanks for the links.

Yes we have read Love Busters. He does not see angry outburts or being demanding as abusive. He just agrees that it's something he shouldn't do. Our 15 yo daughter told me yesterday that she doesn't think her dad and I will make it until she graduates she just says we both have changed and she can't stand to see me this way. she says I just look sad and not feeling any love. Ouch that hurts.

Is he willing to take anger management?

Honestly, I don't know.

You need to find out. Whether or not he is willing will say a lot about whether or not your marriage is savable.

He says he will. Wants me to look at going to some type of class also.

What kind?

Will he listen to the anger management links?

What type of class for you?

I'm not sure if he'll listen to them or not. He suggested I take something to get tools to not keep my feelings hidden and grow to resentment. We're in Christian marriage counseling and I'm dealing with some of that there. I've grown used to keeping it in, easier than getting the range of reactions I have over the years. Not saying it's right, but that was my defense mechanism I guess.

Um quail that sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Why not simply use this program to learn how to issue short, cheerful complaints that no one will mind least of all you? But the emphasis remains on rebuilding love and using PoJA to exclude resentment before it even happens.

The trouble with a lot of counselling is exactly what you describe. It is entirely based on conflict resolution instead of romance and talking on and on about conflict and resentment is the kiss of death to marriage. I can't think of anything less sexy.

That's why the success record of counselling is dire and the divorce rate is higher in the profession than the general population.