Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
Hello Everybody,

Let me introduce myself. I am a 46 year old man. I teach computer science to k-8 graders in a private school. I consider myself a simple man. Even as a young man my life's ambition was to have a family. I have always seen my identity has Husband/Father. I have been married 23 years (24 this August) to my wife (44). We met when she was 15. We have been together ever since. We have two children 17 and 22. My 22 year old has special needs though and lives at home. When he was 16 things just went bad. He became depressed and got involved with drugs. This culminated into a heroin addiction and a suicide attempt. He has been in and out of counseling, therapy and institutional help. He is now two years sober but still isnt ready for the real world. In many ways his emotional development is behind the 16 year old.His mental illness were real dark days for my wife and I. Watching our son go through that ordeal killed us inside. He went down a dark deep hole and we followed him. I dont think my marriage came out healthy afterwards. In fact I believe that we never came out of the whole at all. For a year we have been drifting apart. For my part I was reaching out. I was trying to make sure that she her day to day needs were taken care of. I tried to spend some quality time with her too. I know though that I wasnt giving her the affection and physical attention she needed. During the worst of my son's life I gained 50lbs and got out of shape. My image really messed with my head. Our finances got out of shape too. Really bad. Doctors, Counselors, Psychiatrists, Medicine racked up tremendous debt and put a LOT of pressure on the marriage. I felt her drifting but I dint respond correctly. I was giving to her but not what she needed. I had put up wall around my heart. I was so hurt about my son I coudnt respond to her hurt (neither could she respond to mine).

Two weeks ago she woke me up early Sunday and said we had to talk. I was nervous but I though, "GOOD we can finally get to the bottom of this". Then it went horribly wrong. Even now I dont know the exact words but I can tell you the main points.

1. I was a terrific dedicated father
2. I was her best friend and closest confidant
3. She didn't know if she loved me anymore

Excuse me did someone order a 10 ton of bricks to be dropped on my head?

I panicked. The world was spinning. Suspicion took hold.

My wife is an executive. She is mostly surrounded by men. I have become accustomed to this just as she has become accustomed to me mostly working with women in my field. There is an older man 15 years to 20 years her senior that has got my attention up. I know they text and talk about work but I do get suspicious when these communications happen later at night. Even though I get communications from Mom's and female teacher's ALL the time.

I asked was there another man......

1. No there is no affair going on
2. I have been talking to a man (the one I referenced above)
3. I am not interested in him in that way but I feel I may want to be loved my another man.

Okay, sorry. I know we are supposed to be cool at this point but I flipped. I ranted and raved that I couldn't believe this was happening. I ran..right out of the house. I just drove. Eventually I got a call from my distraught son who said she packed a bad and told him that she was going to her mothers. He was in bad shape so I ran back to him. I texted her. Did she know what she was doing? (actually I texted quite a lot about how she had hurt me and had she thought this through). No text back.

The first week was awful just awful. I did find this place though and I started reading. I started waking up to reality. I finally got a text that she wants to meet. During the meeting she was fidgety. Constantly playing with her wedding ring and the heart shaped pendant I gave her when she was 15. She said....

1. She couldn't think straight
2. She didn't know what she wanted to do
3. She needed space
4. SHE reiterated that there was no affair

I told her I would give her the space she needed. In a no confrontational way I told her that I loved her, I believed in marriage, I believed in us and that ultimately this would make us stronger. I felt so awful for her she was shaking but I know she did not want me to hug her. I touched her arm and we decided that was enough for one day.

A few days later I came home and she was there. She had cleaned up and was talking to the kids. I figured she just wanted to to visit the kids. The odd thing was she was acting like NOTHING happened. The kids were looking at me like, "what is she doing?" She asked me to get my son and bring him in from the patio. I thought she was going to tell us something but instead she asked to watch TV. SO for an hour in a half the family watched awkward TV. Then she said she had to go.

This would happen at least two more times. Again I figured she just wanted to see the kids but every time she made sure to include me. She would text and ask if she could come over. She would ask what food she could bring. After the first time it was easy for me and the family to believe everything was okay. We were laughing and playing games but eventually she would go home and everyone would realize that everything was NOT okay. One of the times I was out in the garden and she came out. She stepped on a thorn. I lifted her foot and pulled it out. I then had to carry her across the garden so she wouldn't get another one. When I set her down she asked me tenderly if I was OK. At first I though I would deflect but instead decided to just tell her my feelings.

I told her I was seeing a therapist and I was on my third meeting

This REALLY interested her. We started opening up and truly talking about our marriage. She too was still hurting from our sons problems, she admitted she bottled up and stuffed her feelings down and did not talk, she admitted the financial situation had got to her. She didnt really address anything about me though. It was a good conversation. There was a little crying and a nice long hug. Then she surprised me she asked me on a date. She wanted to go to dinner.

I was really nervous about this dinner. But i wanted to be at my best. I made sure to groom myself and present myself at my best. I picked her up and took her to a little Mexican Catina. We ordered margaritas. I haven't been eating well and she insisted I eat. I didn't want to. She ordered us a plate of tacos to share. So we sat there drinking margaritas and passing the tacos back and forth. Each taking a bite then allowing the other. We had a lot of fun. We stayed at that table an hour after we finsihed eating just talking and having fun. You could tell the staff wanted us to leave to bring in more diners. We finally left buy were too tipsy to drive. I suggested we walk down the street which had some small shops. Suddenly she was holding my hand. Eventually we got back to the car. I wondered if this was the end of the date. She surprised me and asked if I would take her to a new ice cream place. I did. She ordered us one ice cream to share. we strolled along and looked in a few more shops. I was in heaven. She asked about the kids and I told her that my Mom had them. She said why didn't we go home and wait for them to come home. So I drove us home. When we got there the kids were there. Her demeanor changed...that intimacy we were sharing for 4 hours went away. Oh she was perfectly nice to me but you could tell that her heart was shielded. Eventually she left to go back to her moms.

Over the next few days the text messages between us grew. They were longer and sometimes were not about the kids. Smiley face and LOL's started appearing. She wanted to take my son to an Indian casino on Saturday. She did ask me if I wanted to go but I truly thought she needed to spend some time with her (this breakup has hurt him). The next day she met me for my daughters indoor soccer game. I got there first and while my daughter was with the team I went to the bar. She walked in and sat down. Cheerful and pleasant she shared my beer with me, like she always does. Still this was that guarded side of her.]

She wants to take my daughter and her friend to the big mall in Hollywood this Thursday. Surprisingly she asked me to take the day off and come too. She knows that two 17 year old girls are NOT going to stay with two old people like us so I think this is another date.

I guess I should be happy. She is giving me more than I thought I would get after that horrible Sunday. She appears to be making moves closer to me. Being a dumb male though I am torn up inside. I want to talk about this. I want to hold her. I don't know what this is. I know though that I have to play the long game here. I guess I just have to wait. I guess I should appreciate where the relationship is compared to it being over.

So if you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read. I'm looking for support and encouragement and any constructive advice. Thank you all.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: TnTplusT

So if you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read. I'm looking for support and encouragement and any constructive advice. Thank you all.


Hi TNT, welcome to Marriage Builders! That really was a long post and I would strongly encourage you to condense that down to 3-4 short paragraphs. If your post is overly long, you won't get as much help because your story is too hard to follow.

What has happened here is that your wife fell out of love and is having an affair. I am sorry to tell you that, but it is true. You shouldn't take my word for it, you should quietly investigate and you will find it is true. This is why she left to "get space."

And secondly, you have been doing some very good things by going out on dates with your wife. However, that won't be enough to save your marriage. You have the absolute right idea about dating her, though, and should continue that.

However, this can drag on for years if you don't uncover and bust up her affair. The OM might be married so his affair with your wife is shaky, but you will need to get the evidence and kill it by exposing it.

Like I said, don't take my word for it. Just quietly investigate by hiring a PI and/or doing some sleuthing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
Hello Melodylane, Thanks for replying. I actually did investigate. I have found the usage logs on the phone. I do see uptick in calls the past two months. I know who he is and where he lives. He lives in Idaho and we live in California. He is her ex boss. I have fine tooth combed the credit cards, facebook, linkedin, twitter. I have gone through every drawer in the house, I have gone through her car. I had her phone for a couple of days because mine broke and she lent me hers. I checked messages, pictures and texts. I have found no smoking gun yet. I'm still looking. I knew these two were talking, she didnt really hide it. I'm suspecting this might me an emotional affair as I know she hasnt been to Idaho recently. Of course maybe he came here but we car pool to work with each other and I cant recall any days she had unexplained time.

I will read the exposure 101. I dont want to accuse until I actually have something or am I wrong?

Last edited by TnTplusT; 07/12/15 06:48 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: TnTplusT
Hello Melodylane, Thanks for replying. I actually did investigate. I have found the usage logs on the phone. I do see uptick in calls the past two months. I know who he is and where he lives. He lives in Idaho and we live in California. He is her ex boss. I have fine tooth combed the credit cards, facebook, linkedin, twitter. I have gone through every drawer in the house, I have gone through her car. I had her phone for a couple of days because mine broke and she lent me hers. I checked messages, pictures and texts. I have found no smoking gun yet. I'm still looking. I knew these two were talking, she didnt really hide it. I'm suspecting this might me an emotional affair as I know she hasnt been to Idaho recently. Of course maybe he came here but we car pool to work with each other and I cant recall any days she had unexplained time.


It sounds like the affair is alive and well over the phone, and probably on the computer too. I wouldn't be surprised to learn he travels to see her.

How can you listen to her phone calls and get a key logger on her computer? What other ways would she be conducting her affair? Does she speak to him while in her car?

Quote:
I'm suspecting this might me an emotional affair as I know she hasnt been to Idaho recently.


The affair probably began when she traveled there or he traveled to your town.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: TnTplusT


I will read the exposure 101. I dont want to accuse until I actually have something or am I wrong?


You are absolutely right. Don't accuse, don't ask. Just quietly do some serious sleuthing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Let me point out the red flags here, TNT. First off, moving out to "get space" is always code for "need to move out to conduct my affair." The very idea that one needs to move out to "get space" is ridiculous because one doesn't need space to think. And if they did, they could go in the garage or the bathroom and get that "space."

The other red flag is that she fell out of love. This means she has a new point of comparison. People who are not in affairs don't say that. Instead, they point to the problems in the marriage and try to fix them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Welcome to MB! Sorry you find yourself here... But its a great place to start! I myself have been with my wife since we were 15 and 16 and also used MB principals to get us going again in the right direction.

Listen to ML! She knows her stuff. Your wife is gas lighting you. At the very least she is having an emotional affair and is closed off to your efforts because of the contrast effect. You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to save your marriage. Do EVERYThING ML suggests....

MNG


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 24 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5