You can't possibly make complaints until the AOs are resolved. Lovebusters are always tackled first. RH needs a safe environment.

There should be a structured plan, not a talking shop.

Honestly I feel this is a DJ designed to educate you. He thinks getting it all out there, even in an angry outburst is healthy.

Dr H would say your instinct to withdraw from unpleasant conflict is actually healthier. He would actually tell a woman to separate if her husband could not control AOs and time together limited to pleasant stress free dates until he has learned to control himself.

I say this as formerly very angry person. Angry people feel they are the only ones airing and trying to solve problems.

Not true, you're a mad person.

It is not safe for you to talk to home until he stops ALL angry outbursts. Have you read Prisca'sthread, What to do with an Angry Husband?

Have the two of you considered writing Dr. Harley? The advice is free and he will even talk to you one-on-one via the radio show, if you choose. They will even use a pseudonym if you like.

Yes I've read them and agree. It sounds simple to do, but it isn't. When the AO starts, I tend to forget everything I should do and go blank. I've looked at getting a place of my own in the last couple of months. He let it be known that it would be my fault if I left. Afterall, I would be walking out on him and the kids by choice, those are his words. Which of course makes me feel worse.
I would rather just do the book and not counseling anymore, to focus on one way. And yes, I've thought of writing Dr. Harley for over a year now.

Can you remember to just walk away? Go to a calm place where you can gather your thoughts. If he has any more angry outbursts you need to inform him he needs to be the one who goes. Obviously you wouldn't leave an angry person in sole control of the kids. Why on earth would you be the one to leave?




Until you behave like someone who has no choice he will believe that you are just exaggerating about your terror and fear. You don't have any choice because it is plain he has no idea what he is subjecting you to and has no plans to change.

Dr H says angry people rarely stop until they are shown it is deal breaker.

So you don't need a counsellor to patronisingly tell you why you don't make complaints. You don't make complaints because you are frozen with fear.

But he has decided (unilaterally) to do nothing about the main cause but to get your faulty reactions to his anger checked out?

No I can't simply walk away because he follows me. and he has flat said he will not leave, it is his house and he does not want to leave. If I want space, I would have to go.

Would you be able to remember to call the police? Perhaps get into your car and wait for them there? Or drive a few streets away? You could also ask family members to come round and help protect you from his angry outbursts.

It's really no wonder you have no feeling left. Even when you have tried to protect yourself and your loved for him he's followed you refusing you respite.

As for your exit plan, you should simply lock him out of the house with the support of family. Making a big noise now with support and calling the police gives him the message hus behaviour is terrifying and if he doesn't stop you need drastic help.

He sounds like my XH. It took me 20 years to understand what I had to do. You have to be quietly ruthless with bullies.

When I finally wanted XH out of the house for good, I secretly changed the locks and added an alarm. He arrived and I walked out of the house and quietly asked him to leave. When he did not, I told him I would call the police. I went inside to do this locking the door behind me and he called the police himself from the driveway and told them that he was being threatened with a gun in his own home.

Sound familiar so far?

The police came in six cars, sirens blazing and guns drawn. They took one look at him on the driveway and me locked inside the house and understood. They told him that if he wanted the house he was going to need to go through the courts to get it.

The judge awarded me the house. He has never been back since. Best of luck to you, do not take as long as I did.

My husband followed me, too. I still walked away.

You're going to have to take control.

Mmm. A lot of your actions and decisions start with 'he says I will have to'. If you want a happy marriage, or life, you simply cannot just go along with demands like that.

**EDIT**

This is a serious concern and one you must not take lightly. She clearly has anger issues and needs help. It's not okay to say that she's sorry and then do the same thing over and over again. You both are married and will most certainly have your share of disagreements and arguments. Will she continue to throw things at you? How can you deal with this? What if one day you lose your calm and hit her back? This is a dangerous situation and one that must be addressed pronto. You need to communicate your anger and frustrations in a positive and constructive way.

Prolonged and unresolved conflict or suppressed emotions can lead to a married couple living together as roommates or brothers and sisters. This state can go on for quite a while and especially where children are involved; this living status is the easy way to co-exist without arguments. But this represents a silent volcano ready to explode. Before it gets to that point, it is time to **EDIT** rekindle the love, affection and joy of your marriage.