About us:
Me: BW, 39
Him: WH, 39
Married for 15 years
9 year old daughter

Our history
My WH and I met in an AOL chat room nearly 17 years ago. After dating long distance for a year I moved to his city and we moved into an apartment together. Within a month we were engaged and married 6 months after that. We wanted to have children right away but we struggled with infertility. After 5 years of marriage I quit my full time job to go to school to get my degree. We moved to a new town and my WH got a position with a local law enforcement agency. I became pregnant in my 1st semester of my junior year and our daughter was born right before my senior year began. I had a very complicated delivery that required 12 operations over the course of 2 years.

After I graduated it was decided that I would be a stay at home mom until DD started school. During the next 3 years of her life I had 4 more surgeries due to injuries and a cancer scare. As soon as DD started school I found a job in my field with a promising company with room for growth. Within six months of my start date, the company was sold and my position was moved to a different state. I was unemployed for about 6 months before I found the job that I am currently at. This position has no room for growth and is lowing paying and not challenging. I have been looking for other opportunities but none exist in our current location.

The Affair

We always had a good marriage but we had started growing apart. We stopped saying �I love you� a long time ago. Sex was only as frequent as I felt was necessary. WH tends to throw things and insults when he gets mad. At the beginning of November 2014 we got into a huge fight because he threw my iPad. I told him to leave the house because he almost hit DD with it. As I laid in bed by myself that night I wrote him a letter begging him to come back home and that we needed to do something to work on our marriage. Neither one of us was happy and neither wanted to live that way. He came home the next day but was very distant and overly critical. The next week I surprised him at his sport of choice by bringing our DD to watch him play. He lost his mind when we showed up. He accused me of checking up on him and told us to leave. Alarm bells were ringing and I checked his phone logs on our cellphone bill. I found thousands of texts and hundreds of hour plus phone calls over the last month to an intern at his job that is 16 years younger than him. Stupidly, I confronted him as soon as he got home and he denied that they were anything but �just friends.� Also stupidly, I believed him. I also revealed my source of information. I continued to check the phone logs and he would get angry when I asked him to stop contacting her so much. I was so afraid he was going to leave me that I never pushed the issue. I �trusted� him but I knew in my gut that it was way more than he was telling me.

In December, I got to meet OW when she sat with us at the department Christmas party. It was pure torture for me. Over the course of the next few months I lost 60 pounds. I couldn�t eat or sleep and began smoking and drinking to help me conceal my pain. I did my best to be a good wife. Having sex whenever he wanted and being as pleasant as possible. Finally in February (on WH�s birthday!) I figured out a way to read his text messages through our cell phone provider. What a terrible day that was. I could only see the texts from the day before and that day but it was enough for me to prove that their relationship was much more than friends. She constantly texted him �I love you� and offered him birthday sex, which he turned down. He was noncommittal in his responses but kept encouraging her to keep up contact.

I made a plan of action. I was so convinced that he was going to leave me for her. Two days later I confronted him and told him its her or me. He immediately chose me. He told me that he had never stopped loving me and that he was still �in love� with me. I told him he had to cut off all contact and asked him to call her right then and there to break up with her. He tried to call but got her voice mail. She was with her boyfriend. I told him that we had to go to counseling and he got angry and left. 20 minutes later he was back but wouldn�t talk to me. I told him that if he ever contacted her again, I would immediately leave. The next day, not in my presence, he called her and says he told her it was over.

Over the next couple of months she proceeded to text him threats of suicide interspersed with conversation about her job. He would occasionally text her back about the job as he is her direct supervisor. He works nights and has so much access to time alone with her. He has given up his position as her supervisor but she still attempts to contact him. I was so scared he was going to lose his job that I kept quiet about the affair. At the end of May I lost my mind when he told me he was leaving me. The stress was getting to be too much and I just wanted to die. I begged him to take me to the hospital before he left me. I was scared to be alone. I know I would have taken my life. I was admitted to an inpatient program and spent a week under suicide watch. I was put on medication to help even out my emotions. He visited me every day in the hospital and fought tooth and nail for my release. He exposed his affair to my family and his. He made a plan of action that included marriage counseling. We went to 2 sessions before the counselor accused him of lying and he walked out vowing never to return and he hasn�t.

We are still living together and I have been �playing nice� due to his AO. I have been getting my ducks in a row to file for divorce but I want to save my marriage. I do not love my WH anymore. He killed my love for him with his affair but I haven�t told him that. I respond when he tells me he loves me but I never say it first. I know the affair is still continuing though I don�t have proof and I have revealed my sources. I am sure they have just gone further underground.

About a month ago I found MB. I wish I would have found this site back in November. I would have saved myself so much heartache. I have read Surviving an Affair. I am afraid to implement the steps because I have no proof that the affair has continued. I have been watching very closely but he hasn�t made a mistake yet.

I need help!

Welcome to MB.

You know there was an affair, you have tons of proof, you don't need recent proof.

You don't need proof that the A is current to expose the affair and since he was the one who did it, it probably needs you to do a proper exposure. His will have involved a lot of guff about the marriage being unhappy and of course he never exposed OW. YOU are the one who needs to ask for help and support for YOUR mental anguish.

You need to ask him to write her a letter of no contact and change his phone number so she cannot reply. You do this after you expose her and run her off so pursuing him after receiving a curt letter is less likely. This was the main problem with your last attempt. He ended it away from your ears in a way where he was too encouraging.

You also need to expose to the workplace. You have enough proof. If your husband gets up the willpower to end it, it will restart through work contact because affairs are addictions. Your only hope is to see one of them fired.

I know you are scared of his losing his income - but he already has. The purpose of his job is not to destroy his wife and that's where things have got up to. If he stays there the future is you losing your mind, divorcing him and his income being divided between you, him and her.

Not to mention the fact that he will probably get caught anyway.

Instructions on exposure here.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

Do this without any forewarning and within 24 hours.

If he comes back to you saying the A is over say 'Wonderful! Here's how you regain back my trust' and hand him the NC letter.

I would have some VARS and a GPS in his vehicle to catch any attempts from them to have contact about how to handle exposure.

Oh and when exposing the OW be sure to tell them she disrupted your marriage with suicide threats. Their responsibility, not your husbands.

Should also squish any fantasy of bringing home a sweet divorced guy who had a crazy wife.

He needs to do everything on this checklist and be willing to prove he has revealed all and ended contact with a polygraph if necessary.

You don't need to prove continuation of an affair because you know that they work together. If they work together it continues automatically. Sounds like you found one of the few counsellors aware of that. He needs to be willing to prove he WILL end it, including leaving his job if he is not fired.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about these events in your marriage.

Why do you want to save your marriage, if you do not love your H, and he is continuing the affair?

You need to expose the affair, and go into Plan B immediately. The affair has already affected your mental health, causing you to admit yourself to hospital for a week. That is horrendous, and you cannot go through any more.

The condition for you to not to go to Plan B, or to end Plan B, is for your H to leave his job and to agree that you should move from your current home - it sounds as if OW cannot be far away. You need to have a clean break from the life you have been living if this affair is to come to an end. If they can contact each other, they will. His writing a letter is pointless while he remains in that job.

When can you raise the issue of his leaving his job, and your moving? Can you do this today? You also need to expose today. Do not talk to your H about exposure, or warn him in any way that it is coming.

Hi Brookity, welcome to Marriage Builders. If you are too afraid to do anything, there isn't anything we can do for you. But if you can follow this plan, there is a small hope. This affair has gone on for a very long time and it won't be easy to bust up. Can you put aside your fears and follow a plan?

This is what it will take, Brookity.

Thank you all so much for responding. I know what I have to do but I have to find the strength to do it. This has turned me into someone I don't even recognize. I used to be so strong willed. I would never let someone walk all over me like he has. I know I will be okay if we divorce but it's so hard to take that next step.

How do I find the strength to do this?

Strength is a choice and you can make this choice right now. Rely upon us and we will be your support all through this. We can guide you through the exposure and support you in the fall out. You will feel like a million bucks if you will get up and start taking steps. By doing nothing, you have eroded your strength in a huge way. But it will come back if you will let us guide your steps through this plan.

While there are no guarantees, your best chance of saving your marriage is following this plan. That means exposing his affair wide and far in a strategic, smart, careful way and then separating from him. While you are separated you can regain your strength and your sanity. But you cannot do that in this present situation.

I want to tell you what happened to my brother and sister in law 15 years ago. They had a 9 year old autistic son. My brother had an affair. My SIL did nothing and eventually had a nervous breakdown. This is what usually happens when a woman lives like you are doing now. She was committed to a mental institution. My rotten brother moved his OW into their home and the OW took the place of my SIL. My brother and SIL got divorced because when she had a nervous breakdown he was no longer interested.

This is where you are headed now. But you don't have to be like that. We can help you get out of this nightmare and protect your sanity.

What are you afraid of? You have already enabled an affair for many months, your WH is already planning to leave. You have lost much of his love for you (being the other option is never attractive) and you have lost your love for him. You have lost your sanity and your health, from the sounds of it. You are already planning your own divorce, if he doesn't beat you to the punch. You will already be losing his income through this divorce, not to mention the financial ruin from the divorce itself.

What ELSE could possibly go wrong that you are afraid of here?

If you follow Dr. Harley's plan 100% you have a chance of turning this around, but you have to be strong and courageous and fearless. Can you do that?

I am actually a little afraid that he may get violent. I also worry that he will try to take DD away from me. He told me that was his plan when I went into the hospital.

It's true that I don't love him anymore but I believe that we can be in love again if we work hard to get through this and make massive changes in our lives. My counselor believes he is either a sociopath or a narcissist. Those types of relationships are some of the hardest to get out of. I am definitely codependent. When we married we both believed it was forever and it's very difficult to change my mindset. I am working on finding my strength.

If he gets violent then call the police. Has he been violent before?

Do you mean you fear he will get DD in a custody hearing, or 'steal' her from you?

You CAN be in love again if you 1) kill the affair and 2) both commit to a plan of recovery. If you do not follow the program, if the affair fails to end and you do not BOTH (not just you) commit to recovering your marriage by following Dr Harley's plan, this will end in disaster.

These are a lot of titles! Fortunately, it doesn't matter if he is a sociopath, narcissist, you are codependent, he has ADD, you are a compulsive spender...the steps to take to kill an affair and either move on to Plan B or Recovery, are the same. This is good news. It means you do not have to worry about psychoanalyzing the why's and the how's, you can just *follow a plan* that was created by a expert who has had 40 years of experience with infidelity.

Not even God expects people to stay married at all cost. In fact the Bible cites adultery and abuse as reasons for divorce. Check and check.

Yes, he is going to take your daughter away if you have a nervous breakdown and don't start manning up here. That is where you are headed if you continue to enable his affair. You are headed to divorce.


You won't "find" it; you have to make a decision to take action. You can make that decision right now. You don't have the luxury anymore to give into your fears. You are going to lose your marriage and your daughter if you don't step it up here.

How will you explain this to your daughter when your H replaces you with the OW while you sit around and do nothing? Will you have an excuse for that? Will you tell her "oh so sorry, but I was sitting around sipping tea while waiting for "strength.""

He's never been violent with me but he likes to destroy stuff when he gets mad. On my birthday he smashed out all of the windows in my car. He's not going to steal DD but he will try to get custody of her. He will also do everything in his power to keep me in the state instead of letting me take her and move to where my family is.

Which is nonsense. They are impossible to get out of when you do nothing. That is like saying it is real hard to get a job and then never lift a finger.

He is a violent person. I would be prepared to call the police on him if he does anything like that again.

He is going to GET custody of your daughter when you have a nervous breakdown. <------that is where you are headed. You can't take care of your daughter if you have a nervous breakdown.

Do you think it will fare in your favor with regards to custody if you stay in an abusive relationship and get hospitalized again from the stress?

No. If you really want to help your daughter, you need to put your big girl pants on and protect her mother and her from this very negative and abusive situation.

What is your plan?