You are going to have to create a situation where you don't rely on him and honestly someone in an affair is not a good parent nor reliable. He probably would take any opportunity to introduce OW to your daughter (but your daughter should be instructed to tell you immediately about exposure to OW).

If he ever gets the sense you need him he will let you down and be exasperating until you break Plan B. You have to create an independent life where you don't need him. Think of visitation as something you allow, not need. It's a legal requirement and you should have some kind of back up plan babysitter or outing if he doesn't show for those. Those situations should be seen as his loss, not your inconvenience.

They do usually show up if it is presented in that way. As being for him, rather than help for you.

I fear for my emotional safety and losing my child. The good ol' boys network will prevent any criminal charges against him unless he does something really terrible. I do not fear living alone or being without him. I have no idea why I am still so drawn to him even after what he has done to me. If his behavior is based solely on his wayward status then this is definitely not his first affair. He has been acting this way for at least a couple of years. I can't really remember when the change began but I know that I have done a lot of managing of his life in order to keep him from having AO.

This is why PigletWiglet moved so far away to get family support. It also has the advantage that if his A dies and he agrees to recovery - he can follow you which gets you both away from OWs neighbourhood.

You would need legal advice about doing that though.

You will be just fine if you follow this plan. It is no guarantee of marital recovery, though it is your best shot, but it does guarantee your own personal recovery. Of course you are still drawn to him. Every betrayed spouse discovers that no contact is the only cure for love.

Exposure alone will do a great deal to protect you. Is there any way you can surround yourself with supporters? Friends or perhaps your family could come out?

I have already spoken with an attorney. I cannot leave the state without WH's permission unless I can get him charged with domestic violence. I do have proof of him destroying my car but since he has never been physical with me, that won't happen. I highly doubt that he will give me permission after exposure. Maybe I should try to get permission before I expose.

He's not going to give you permission. You are half of his addiction until you are entirely ground down. PW was told something similar about permission but she worked round it. I hope she chimes in here.

Can you get some emergency time off while you figure out childcare? Or pay for a few weeks while you figure a more permanent plan? There will be a solution we can figure out but I am concerned that figuring it out right now is akin to varnishing the woodwork while the house burns down.

You needed exposure and plan b months ago. I was reeling after a few weeks with an unremorseful wayward with MB support the whole time and you've been driven to the brink of suicide over many months. You need no contact, exposure and reliable support now. Everything else can wait.

Please explain how.

Surely if you engage a lawyer who helps you makes your complaints, it will be harder for the local enforcers to close ranks around your H.

Also, you could try getting advice from a domestic violence support group about how to get a violent, adulterous husband out of your home.

You cannot just do nothing. Your objections to all our suggestions so far are:

That you cannot expose until after the birthday party;

That you cannot expose until you have H's permission to take your daughter out of your state;

That you cannot take your daughter out of your state at all, without permission;

That you cannot live in your boss's apartment because...actually I'm not sure why not;

That you cannot do Plan B unless your H agrees to look after your daughter during the daytime (over the summer school holidays, I presume);

There might be more. I've lost track.

Let's start from here:

You need to expose the affair today, and separate from your husband by Friday.

Now let's work on getting this done. How can you get this done?

I spoke with a lawyer friend about you. He recommenemded that you first contact a women's abuse shelter. (If you don't know one, call your doctor's office.) The shelter will have information on legal issues for you.

He said that if the local police don't respond to your complaints, call the state troopers. Continue to escalate until they take action. (Contact police internal affairs, then the state's attorney general, then the local news ...until you get an appropriate response.)

Have you ever tried to file a police report and been rebuffed? Or is this just garbage your husband told you?

Actually, it might. Did you ever try to press charges?

Bottomline: you are NOT powerless.

The reason this man threatens so much is because he knows if You realize You are not under his thumb, he is screwed.

You should be able to pay for day care because he will be REQUIRED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT.

I've seen how it works here. I just watched the department spend months trying to cover up something that was even more dangerous than my situation. In the end it blew up any way thankfully. That is why I am going directly to the chief. Once the cover up was exposed to him, he took swift action. I am just waiting for a call back.

Thank you for talking to your friend. I will contact a women's shelter. I really do fear that WH will do something to try to prevent us from leaving.

I did not try to press charges when he destroyed the car. It is actually in his name only. You can't get prosecuted for damaging your own car especially when it was sitting in the garage and no one saw what happened but me.

Don't be afraid to call a reporter if the police won't respond.

Also, strongly consider emailing the Harleys. Dr. Harley will give you advice specific to your situation.

I know I am not powerless. I just feel that I must be very careful in how this plays out. For my safety and for my daughter's safety.

Do you have any response to my posts, or shall leave you to it?

The car is Marital property, so it IS half yours.

Quit making excuses why you can't do the proper steps and actually start doing them.

LTL

I'm sorry I thought I had already responded to you Sugarcane.

You are right, I have a lot of excuses. My fear is paralyzing me. I wish he would just leave me for her. It would be so much easier that way. I would still do all of the exposing and go plan B but if it his idea to leave I would probably be less fearful of his response. Believe it or not, I actually fantasize about leaving him and putting him in his place.

I am still waiting on a call back from the chief. I left another message at lunch time. I imagine there will be an internal investigation. I don't want to start exposing to his co-workers yet in case they decide to try to destroy any evidence that might exist. Once I talk to the chief I will expose to my family, his family, his coworkers, his friends, OW's family and the few friends that she has on Facebook. I have spoken to my boss about renting his apartment and he is on board as long as I don't bring the dog with us. My only problem will be child care. I can bring her to work for a couple of days if I must but its certainly not ideal.

This weekend is the worst possible weekend to do this but I will be out of the house by Monday at the very latest. I have family flying in from all over the country for DDs party. My mom is taking DD back home next week so she will not be exposed to the potential violence from WH. I will be getting her next weekend unless I can somehow find a way to stay out of state.

I have set up an email account for my intermediary and she has already changed the password. I will spend tonight writing my plan B letter. I will post it on here for feedback.

The whole time I was writing the last post, he was texting me telling me how much he loves me and how we are going to get through this together. I can't wait to block him from my phone!

Regarding child care, that is a common problem and many can offer suggestions for that.
I see she is 9 years old. I also have a 9 year old. If you are in the US, I suggest you contact the local YMCA. Many have Summer Camps which are educational and you can drop her off in the morning and pick her up in the evening.
Also, contact the local welfare department. As a single mom, you may qualify for state childcare aid which will pay all or part of your bill. You can also ask for food stamps, a free cell phone and other programs