My husband and I believe in the Policy of Joint Agreement: no decisions that affect the two of us are made without enthusiastic, voluntary agreement. Yesterday, his 24 year old son from his previous marriage was locked up on a warrant. My husband's daughter, 22, called asking her dad for $140 to bail her brother out. He told his daughter that would not be possible. While he was on his way home from the internet radio show we usually host together (been caring for my son, so he hosted with a male friend these past two weeks), my stepdaughter asked her Dad to take her brother in for one night because he had just been bailed out and had nowhere to go.
My husband replied that he had to talk to me first.
His daughter responded, "Why do you have to talk to her? It's your house and your kid!" She was virtually demanding that her father violate the POJA.
I later reminded my husband that we are under a stipulation that nobody can come into this house who has not submitted to and passed a CORI. We are not going to do anything to jeopardize our visitation rights. My son, 14, is in foster care due to behavioral issues, not abuse. He has not seen his bio-dad (my x-H) since he was 3 and considers my husband Daddy. Right now, we have been blessed with an extended visit while the foster parents travel for business, and are making the most of our time with him. He has mild autism and requires firm limits as well as patience.
When my husband told his daughter that her brother could not stay here, she released a flood of curses and verbal abuse via Facebook Messenger voice clips. She told her Dad to lose her number. Told him he was better off with his ex-girlfriend (yeah, right...the woman was married and lied about it). Told him he was nothing to her. Pulled the guilt card and said, "You're supposed to take care of your kids."(Sorry, she and her brother are adults. My boy is a dependent child. Were the situation reversed and the minor child his, I'd put a roof over that child's head first). Said to her Dad, "She may have your last name, but she's nothing. As long as you're with that @#!& (meaning me), you'll never see your grandson!" She sounded sadistic and cruel as though she enjoyed hurting us. Then she blocked us both.
My husband is deeply hurt over her disrespectful behavior. I must also tell you that this isn't the first time she severed contact for a time because she didn't get her way.
What do I as a wife do now?

Celtic,

I don't think there is much you can do but continue to place the marriage first and meet your husbands emotional needs.

Actually, there is something you can do: pray for all involved. But understand that a marriage is the union of two souls and you need to always place your marriage first, even above children.

There is nothing to do. You both handled the matter correctly. You can't really expect people outside of your marriage to respect the rules, even though it would be nice if they did. But as long as the two of you remain steadfast in your commitment to follow through with MB principles, you will be okay. It is unfortunate that your step daughter is so combative. Both of you did the best you could do with the situation that was dumped on you.

So sorry your step daughter is so disrespectful of your marriage. You did the right thing by putting your marriage first. I would point out that she would not be the one to suffer the consequences if you didn't put your marriage first. Its real easy for her to make decisions about your marriage when it isn't her ox getting gored. It's sad you and your husband had to endure this.

MelodyLane, I love your slogan at the end of your comments. It's 100% truth!

Just think how much worse she would be if her father had given in to her temper. The worst thing he could do would be to buckle and teach her that her temper is an effective strategy.

She would simply up her demands if they started working.

That's the saving grace: my husband is a nonsense ESTJ who does NOT give in to her tantrums. His marriage to her mother ended six years before he and I even got together because of the XWW's unrepentant infidelity, yet I'm the bad one? And I didn't think it was very kind of her to throw her parents' wedding anniversary date in my face when DH and I were once visiting her.

Oh yeah, she constantly throws it in her father's face that his daughter from his first XWW has no contact with him. When he married wife #2, she gave him an ultimatum to stop seeing the kids from his first wife or she'd leave him and take their mutual kids away from him. To this day he says he regrets giving in to her blackmail. We're trying to find his firstborn daughter and heal rifts.

He has two xWWs?

Yes, that's fact. Both had multiple affairs. The first XWW conceived a child by another man, whom she left him for, when their daughter was just under two years old and their son still an infant.

The first has remarried.

Wow. That's very unfortunate. Good on your husband for surviving both ordeals.

Losing his kids hurt him the worst. The first ex-wife even had the nerve to make a false allegation against him during hearings for custody and visitation, which she retracted. Ironically, it was the OM who told her not to lie and withhold the kids from their father!

Even when he and wife #2 were separated, he gave his $3000 income tax return funds so she could get an apartment for herself and their two kids. She decided to waste the money and her kids ended up in foster care. He was paying for money to put gas in her car as well as child support. My husband did have custody of the youngest girl for a time.

Why did they end upin foster care rather than his custody?

She had badmouthed him to CPS and others. It was found to be false. The daughter did live with him for a while, but he relinquished her after she displayed violent behavior. He asked her what she wanted for breakfast one morning. She screamed and attacked him. A neighbor called the police. He didn't want his daughter arrested or removed, but the officer told him that if she did not face consequences then, she'd only do it again. He was then living with a girlfriend and her daughter. She had several group home (kept getting into fights, running away) placements before a successful one was found.

Well, it sounds like your husband never really was a father to his children. You can't expect them to be overwhelmingly respectful of him when he wasn't even there.

Jedi Knight, not true. He was there: both ex-wives forced him out of the house to be with other men.

If a man chooses to be involved with his kids, he is.
According to you, he listened to a patrol officer and decided his daughter would be better off in foster care so she could learn a lesson.

These are all matters of the past. My only point is that you can't expect adult children to respect someone that wasn't there.

You can see why you would be the hot button issue though. She thinks he is always going to be led by the nose by the woman in his life. However nice and generous with his tax checks ultimately he was doing whatever the woman demanded up to and including abandonment.

No wonder she thinks the way to get you want is to be demanding herself. Or she just expects rejection so she is constantly daring him to do it and get it over with. The sad thing is he can't have a relationship with her like this and it sounds like her tantrums and tests aren't over.

I'd love to hear Dr Hs advice on dealing with her. He understands anger really well and how the angry person is demanding love, but by their actions make it impossible.