Bear with me. I have been trying to figure out the Marriage Builders Philosophies and program, but i am Very new to this site.
Very shortly after finding out about my situation i was on a different Affair survival website. That did not end well... I triggered from something a moderator said on my public thread and i (Tactfully) Said i was bothered by her statements and set her straight of HER perceived insight on my situation. My clarification and standing up for my feelings got me banned. (I am not one of those people that get banned for mouthing off... Im just not.)
This banning happened at a crucial time in my relationship... It was painful to be abandoned and with such attitude.
Its funny that i come on here and first i mention my banning... To be honest it hurt to be kicked by strangers like that who knew i was in a tough spot. In some ways it hurt more than what i was dealing with in the first place, which was enough.
So here is my infidelity story. We have been married 9 years in a few weeks. but together for 11. (High school sweethearts) Something i used to be proud of.
around Dec 12 of last year 2014 i hopped on our iPad and i was looking for a previous website i had browsed a few days before, but closed it up and was looking for it again. I noticed many chat with girls and i noticed a sub reddit forum where i found posts by my husband looking for women to share pictures with him and sexual relationship.... BDSM.
On that evening i saw a side of him i never knew existed. My husband had been perfect i (thought). this is a man who cried when he said his vows to me. This is a man who had held my hand through open heart surgery. This was a man who built a life, provided me a home and three boys that i adore.... This new person was a distorted picasso of the man i married.
I sat on the couch scrolling through the iPad looking for more, but yet too stunned to think straight, My husband was right next to me passed out on the couch... It took everything in me not to smother him....
When i could not handle it anymore i threw the iPad at him and shouted at him about chatting with other women and then i left.
The husband went in Delete mode and tried to cover his tracks.... Cause guess what?? There was certainly more! But i did not find out till later.
I was livid at him...I hated him. I shook, i cried, i....I still feel my pain from near 7 months ago, but a part of me just wanted to be bonked on the head and get amnesia, forget about this and go back to Literally thanking god EVERY night for how lucky i am to have a faithful partner. I don't thank god anymore for a faithful partner....
The ensuing weeks were torture... I found out about his wayward behavior four weeks before he had to leave US, me and the kids and go to Japan for four months for work.
Previously we were all supposed to go, but before i found out he was cheating in the relationship i had told him our marriage was strong, and we needed to save money for a big project at the house. I decided i and the kids should stay...Bad idea.... But i just did not know. So he was about to leave the house and the family and go to a country known for their prostitutes and grasping american hunting women.
Not surprisingly my husband seemed willing to suffer four months without sex or affection.... Ha! No he wasn't. He finally got his chance right? He only RECENTLY admitted that he did think Japan and his own apt in Yukosuka was the perfect opportunity to cheat and that he did have intentions to see if he could find a pretty girl......
Anyways, back to past tense... On jan 11 my husband was having panic attacks. He was very sad and clinging to me... Not like clawing, but the reality of him leaving for Japan and the fact that my feet were already out the door.
The reason my feet were practically out the door was the face that he was prowling.... I always thought if he cheated it was because some hottie threw themselves at him and he being a weak man MIGHT give in. but NEVER NEVER NEVER thought he would look to cheat.
That alone was a probable deal breaker.
My husband that night before he left wanted around crying and shaking. I kept asking him what was going on and he just could not speak... He was a mess. I still have NEVER seen a man so broken and scared. He looked like i imagine men on death row feel right before their execution day. But he wasn't telling me anything. Just that he was sad. Sure, being sad makes you cry, but fear makes you shake and hyperventilate. (I was worried about him, but I knew he was not just scared he was leaving... He was fighting something inside...
That next morning was so painful... He was just crying the entire time. While driving to the airport by son, who knew sadly we were having trouble who is Five years old asked if we were breaking up. (many of his friends parents are broken up.) My husband emotionally said no... no no.
He clung to me at the airport all the while his very emotional state was nothing me. Sure i was sad to be saying good by, but i was also just wanting him to go away... To get the job done and just deal with US later.
Hours later I received a Skype call from him at around 3am here. telling me he landed and was at his apartment...and that he had a confession....
In the days before he left he realized that if i was already thinking about leaving him for what i had found, he knew me... I would dig, and i would find the truth and i WOULD file and he would be unable to do anything about it. And if i found out he had been lying anymore, he said he just knew that he had to confess.
He wrote out a few time lines.
I learned about three affairs EA online, Near PA, many many private chats with random girls.
I learned that while i was pregnant with our third son (not an accident. He was planned) my husband was telling a friend who happened to be a stripper that he wanted to divorce me... And many more painful things. He felt this way in 2013-2014. He detailed in the letter that what kept him from asking for a divorce was because i was pregnant and he wanted to cheat and there was no choice but to cheat and wait till the baby was older (Who was not even born yet) before he would divorce.
He has since claimed that he regretted that email the moment he sent it.
Anyway, he gave me a detailed timeline, and i went in to dig mode to get dates.
He had an ashely madison account
a Blackbook
A [censored]
A few dating profiles i found his accounts for but they were tied to an old email that my husband shut down because it was tied to his cheating. (I asked him to delete it before i realized i was going to need it to get my evidence) My mistake.
Husband has been very sorry.... Sorry he got caught. He did tell me that he honestly thought he could get away with it and blow off steam elsewhere and i just would be none the wiser. (Honest at least.) I was his first, he was mine.... and i had hoped only.
He admits that his morals and values were [censored] up. to the point that he wanted to ask me for an open marriage rather than divorce, but he knew i would not go for it.
During the time he was cheating he told me he did not like me very much. He blamed me why? Because he was already cheating and he knew it was wrong so he wanted to make me into this horrible person so that he felt justified to cheat.
In the beginning he told me its because life was hard and he wanted an outlet. that felt good and was separate from me.
During his cheating i had felt the emotional divide. We did not cuddle. I wanted to, but yet i didn't. Something felt off.
TMI WARNING GRAFIC!
He buried himself into his computer and music and work...and women.
But sex never stopped. I liked sex, I had sex with him daily, not out of duty. I just have (Had) a high libido. (So he wasn't hurting for sex.)
Well now back to his confession and the ensuing months while he was away.
His confession came on the very first day of our work imposed separation. It was a bumy ride. My husband thought i was mean telling him how i hurt.... The usual un remorseful behavior.
We broke up many times over Skype. To the point that now when i hear the Skype ring chime i feel my heart hammer. It was a dark time in our marriage. Did so many things wrong, but the time fighting together was all we had. so even thought we were BOTH lashing out hard at each other we just kept going back. It was terrible.
He checked in with me at his work, which is government workplace and at the apt on Skype. I even watched him fall asleep and would wake him up. I felt like a Prison guard....:(
For my birthday he few me over to visit him for a week. It was hard. Sex was hard. Talking in person was even harder. I felt like i had to be the ray of sunshine to keep him trying because back then i felt he just wanted to give up. I should have let him...
The reason i was trying so hard was because if he had sex with a woman in japan while we were forced to be away from each other i knew it would be over. I was not yet sure if i wanted it over. Still am not.
He came home, and its been bumpy. Every three weeks or more we have a bit of a go. The husband is not so defensive, He really tries to listen to my pain, but he still has trouble. He also has a gift at sticking his foot ankle and leg in his mouth. Its incredible.

He has agreed to a polygraph while he was in japan. I still have not followed through with it. I should.
He has tried every other way just about to make amends, but he scared i will still leave him.
Last night i said i can't keep doing this. That more effort on his part is needed. Like reading the book, articles, whatever! But he still has not.
He did not refuse but he made all sorts of excuses about why he had not done what i wanted, and i threw that all back at him that all they were was excuses. I was not interested in excuses only facts.
Anyway... Long winded. 7 months of this and i am so mentally spent. Today i have a play date with the kids and hope that takes my mind off this for a while.
Seems a good place, Hope i can fit in.