I finally confirmed two months ago that my husband was talking to a friend of mine. I had found out by reading the text messages on her phone one night when she was staying with us. She had saved his number under a woman's name but I remember seeing the number. They both had said that they loved each other. They had been texting every day and calling each other as well. After I found out, they both denied it and we all stopped being friends. Less than two months later, I resumed the friendship under the pretext of confirming and finding out more information. Finally, she admitted that she had been texting him and that they had been intimate. After I found out, they stopped talking initially but one month later, they resumed the relationship. She also confessed to times that she would meet him. My husband has confirmed some of the occasions, but he denies some of it. At first, he denied the sexual intimacy with her. But once he realized how insistent I was, he confessed after an intense violent argument. She also admitted giving him a lingerie, underwear and vibrator for a future occasion of intimacy. My husband also denied this initially but later admitted to throwing it away.

I don't know what to do. I am very hurt over this and angry as well as violent. This affair lasted for eight months. Our marriage was in trouble and I had admitted to him that I wanted to end the marriage and begin casually talking to other men in order to find someone that I could be loving and caring with. I started the separation but once I realized that I was not successful, I resumed our relationship. This happened before we met her. Soon after they began texting each other. At first it was friendship. He says he enjoyed her casual way of talk and jovial nature. But, she initiated the sex innuendos and eventually began coming to his work to see him for anything he would agree to. I had no idea that any of this was going on until I read three days of messages on her phone. And I trusted him to be honest with me since I had been honest with him as to wanting to see other men.

I have asked my husband for the hotel receipts for when went to the hotel. He has refused. Am I wrong in asking for this?

Furthermore, I don't know what to do. Should I trust him now when he says that he loves me and will do anything to save our marriage?

No you are not wrong for asking for proof. Receipts, emails, text or anything else.

No you should not trust. actions speak louder. He can protest and claim till the cows come home that he has seen the light, but in the end he needs to walk the walk.

Other than that i don't have any advice, Others here have a much better clear set plan that i am only just acquainting myself with. Some of it is rather intuitive however.

I don't know what the program says about this but in my personal opinion marriages have problems you talk about it or divorce, you don't have an affair... No excuse actually excuses the cheaters choice to have an affair. They made that leap on their own all the while tying a knot around our ankles and bringing us down into the pits with them .

Hugs. Smarter people than I seem to manage this place. I feel they know what they speak.

Besides the original text messages, I have not gotten proof of anything. I only have conversations, what he says and she says. It's not much and it is conflicting. I don't know who is telling the truth and who is lying. I can understand that he wants to minimize the shame for himself. He refuses to talk extensively about it.

I wished I would have known about this website the night I read the messages! I would have exposed them to her husband! and everyone! But I didn't. And they only continued to do more!

Welcome to Marriage Builders.
No, you do not need to trust your husband. Trust is part of what got you into this mess.

A few questions ...
Do you have any children?
Have you exposed his affair?
Is he, or you, still in contact with the OW?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
Here is a checklist from it ... can you tell us what has been done and what is left to do?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

We have two children, a daughter who is ten, and a son who is 8. We have been married ten years.

I have not publicly exposed his affair to anyone on his side or the OW side.

I am in contact with her still, but it's minimal. And I don't know if he is. He says he hasn't talked to her. He was the one who stopped texting her and so she exposed the relationship because of his unwillingness to continue with her.

I don't have the book. I may go to the library soon to look for it.

Many of the items on the checklist have not been done. We have only talked. Well, he has said that he doesn't want to see or talk to her again. It's not a commitment, it's only verbal. I believe him though because she was very demanding and insisted that he leave me.

We spend most of our off-work time together. We do not stay away overnight. A change of jobs is not necessary. I have only talked to my friends about the affair.

indiejax, I would begin by exposing the affair to everyone. Please read my exposure thread for ideas.

Secondly, he will need to take steps to prevent her from contacting him, such as changing his phone #. You should not be in touch with her either. I would also make plans to move away so the affair won't be so easy to resume.

She moved away shortly after she told me. I will break contact with her. my husband believes that his not communicating with her is sufficient. I have asked him to block her on Facebook. I don't know if he has blocked her, but be believes that there is no need to talk about her anymore. I have asked him if she does try to text him. he says she hasn't. besides I don't think she is not interested in him anymore. she has moved on and is with someone else. she regrets the relationship with him as well.

In that case, I would insist he change his #'s and delete Facebook. It is critical to recovery that ALL contact is ended and any avenue of contact is removed.

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This completely misses the point. It doesn't matter if he tells you, because the damage is still done. And of course he is not going to tell you if the affair resumes. You will be the LAST person he will tell.

He needs to make it impossible for the OW to reach him.

basically, he doesn't get the point because he doesn't understand. he is very adamant in saying that it is sufficient what he says. but, I have made an ultimatum of the hotel receipts. he has ignored the request. I am going to suggest that he change his phone number, unlock his phone, give me his email, Facebook, and snapchat id's and passwords. I know he won't agree. so basically I know that it's time for me me to leave.

You are correct in that you should separate if he won't comply because it only means his affair is not over and he is not serious about recovery. I would ask him to leave, rather than leaving yourself. Only move out if he won't leave.

Even if you leave, you should expose.

I believe that the affair is over. She wasn't that great to begin with and he has admitted that. It is over from both aspects. She realizes too that he just was playing with her emotions and now really despises him.

But, he needs to be more transparent in showing me that the door is closed with her and also to show there are no other doors open. He has talked with other women before. Just this was his first contact with one. He didn't look for her, she was just convenient and persistent!!! But he didn't have to make her believe that he loved her!

Of course he told you that. Hopefully you are too smart to believe that. She was "great" enough for him to betray his marriage. Your belief that the affair is over is cute, but is not based on anything more substantial than the word of liars.


Again, the word of a liar that means nothing. Adulterers always tell the spouses such things in order to hide the affair and go further underground. The OW is still texting you to throw off balance.

I assure you the affair is not over just based on what you said above.

Apples is correct, regardless of the current state of the affair, it should be exposed.

if I expose his affair, then he will expose mine.

I have been unfaithful as well, once 7 years ago and the other recently when I wanted to leave him.

7 years ago, I exposed myself and it was exposed anyway. And recently, I told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He knew before I did it.

Thats fine.

Did your marriage begin as an affair? Have either of you been married before?

No, it didn't. Both first time married

I can't think of a better idea than letting others know about his affair. And if your past affair comes up, just admit it and ask for support for your marriage.