what if the affair has stopped, what good does it do to expose it?

I am not being naive and close-minded, but I do believe it has stopped. She never would have told me if he had been continuing to do what she wanted...

I need advice on what to do now. I want to know how serious it was. I want to know how long it went on.

It helps motivate him to work on his marriage. That is what good it does. Not that I believe it has stopped, but exposure is the most powerful first step in recovery of a marriage. It is a good thing, not a bad thing.


Here is what you do now:

1. expose the affair
2. give him the conditions on the checklist
3. if he won't agree to those conditions, ask him to leave

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OK. Who should I tell?

If you click that link in Melody Lanes signature it will walk you through an exposure plan. Your husband still thinks he can set the conditions for staying because he is still in a fog where the affair is not a big deal. Exposure challenges that and makes him work to recoup his reputation.



Mistresses are never great. Where do you find a great woman who is desperate enough to be a part time mistress?

Don't make the mistake of assuming your superiority and his preference for you makes any kind of difference. Affairs are addictions and they end numerous times without actually being over.

It is like two drunks with a hangover saying 'never again', but without drastic changes it will. The most common mistake is keeping it secret and relying on willpower without making contact impossible. Both affair partners are waiting for the ego boost of contact being resumed by the other person. When it does, (it always does) the affair starts up again.

Follow the exposure link.

Her husband needs to know immediately.

Her husband does know. When she told me, I related the information to a friend of hers who was helping her husband to uncover details of her infidelity. He suspected it. But wasn't sure. Her friend then went and told him. He then confronted his wife and she told him the details. He also sent my husband a few threatening messages. I haven't talked with him at all. So I'm unsure of what she has told her husband exactly. She probably has only told him basic things.

I have decided on three people on her side to tell. They are her sister, her mother if I can find her Facebook profile, and her husband. She does not live in the same city anymore. Her mother and sister do not live here either. Just her husband still works here.

I don't know who I could tell on my husband's side though. He has no family here. He has brothers in Mexico and two brothers here, one FL and one in LA. They are all older than him. Some much older! I don't know which one to tell..... What effect would it have? I have considered telling his boss. But I don't have his phone number. The only way would be face to face.

I have decided to tell my mom, sister, and the kids. I think telling them would have some effect on my husband. But, I don't know who else to tell.

His 'Knowing' is not the same as your exposing. Exposing means asking for help, and in the case of another spouse, offering yours. If the other BS has sent threatening messages it's to keep your H away. A better way to reassure him is to let him know you've got eyes on this and will tell him if any contact resumes. Ask for him to do likewise.

It was tremendously risky to tell her friend and have her do the job. For all you know she is an affair supporter who tipped them off. Or just a nice person who tipped them off in a well meaning way. The first thing affair partners will do when one spouse knows is to convince them that the other spouse also knows - so there's no point telling them. They also usually try to convince that the other spouse is a bit of a nut.

So I wouldn't take anything for granted.





Why such a limited exposure on her side? Three people only?

I would pick up the phone and call the OW's husband. Tell him everything you know about the affair. Ask him if he will watch from his side and keep you informed.


Your other exposures look good.

Any important friends, church members, etc., are important targets.

The OW has left her husband and moved away. Her husband is still in the same city as us. I don't have his phone number. But I will write a letter to him and offer my phone number. I didn't tell her friend so as not to tell him. I will let him know the details that I know. I hope that he will believe me and realize that she wanted to break up our marriage as well as hers. She was very determined to do this and she didn't care about anyone!

I only told her since we had talked before about the text messages with my husband. I was just letting her know that I found out everything. and seeing if she would shed any more light on the situation. She didn't. She only told him which was not my intention.

I don't know many people on her side. I only really know her husband. Her mother, I had met only one time. I'm including her sister just to shame her and hopefully she will realize that she made some bad decisions. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

There was another mutual friend that we had. But she is not my friend anymore, only hers. This friend knew of everything that happened between them. I just want to let this friend know that I know as well.

I have decided to tell one of his brothers who is the closest to us distance wise. I will ask for help in convincing his brother to reveal the details of the relationship with the OW. His brother has been married twice and is now separated from both and does not see any of his 6 children. I hope he can convince him to save our marriage so as to preserve our home.

I am wondering how you know any of this? How do you know the OW moved away and left her husband?


I am confused by what this means. You didn't tell whose friend and who is "him?"


of course not. You don't have the power to "shame" her. Her own actions will achieve that.

Can you call her husband at work? what about his home phone?

I don't have any of his phone numbers. I only have contact with her through Facebook.

I didn't tell her friend as a ploy to not communicate or reveal the affair to him, her husband. In retrospect, I honestly wished I would have told him. Then EVERYTHING would have stopped. I was naive and just didn't care. I thought I could separate myself from the situation and continue to live my life and that it wouldn't bother me. I didn't think that he would continue. I was naive in believing that it would stop because I had found out. It did but then it resumed!

Can you GET his phone #?

And once again, how do you know the OW has left her husband and moved away?

Since she told me, I have maintained contact with her. She moved away shortly after she told me. She told me she was moving away. Even asked me to help her pack and drive her car. I don't contact her. She sends me messages sometimes still.

I would have to go to his job and talk to him. Otherwise I can't. But let me try.

I think that is a great idea that you are going to see him. It is very possible that her "moving away" is a big lie and farce to get you off their track. You can't believe the word of a liar at face value.

I would not tell your husband before you go visit her husband.

She has moved away, as her Facebook posts indicate. She has also been active with other men which her posts indicate as well. She came back once to see her kids which she had left with her husband and had a miscarriage.

I am trying to ask for her husband's cell phone number. I am apprehensive about facing him face to face. I just don't want him to get hostile. He has never liked me very much.

Who are you asking?