This is very important. I actually left a mixed divorce care group because their were too many suffering betrayed men in the group.

I am in a mixed bible study now (after 8 months in Plan B), but most are married and attend together, and the one single man in the group I absolutely do not communicate with outside of the study itself (And very little inside and I NEVER talk about my issues one-on-one with the men. I mention it with the whole group or just the women). Overall, don't get involved with anyone else and invite more problems.

I don't want any other person I want my husband back yes the AA group that I am a part of is only women there are no other men that I'm in contact with! But what do I do about the loneliness that I feel inside? part of this exposing him has now caused him to expose me. His sister called me up today crying and screaming at me for spanking her kids.

My husband told her about the time that I spanked his nephews for doodling on his car seat understand my husband hates his nephews. One is nine and the other one is seven, 2 months ago H discovered pen marks on the back of his leather seat in the car and he blamed me for letting them do it. His sister is a single mom with two kids each from two separate fathers. The youngest son she has no idea who the real father is, she's a party animal. Honestly she's a big embarrassment to my perfect image husband.

H invited her two boys over to the house to give her the weekend off so she could go out and do her party thing. We all sat around the table eating while H grumbled and grumbled about the ink that he found on the backseat. He made a statement that this is how vandalism starts scribbling on somebody's backseat then graduating to graffiti on the side of the building then later blowing up the building.

More he talked the more angry he got, finally said to the boys in your home there's no responsibility but in this home there is accountability and punishment. No finer navy has set sail with a bunch spoiled rotten sailors. he then ordered me to spank the two boys with a belt for vandalizing his car this wasn't the only time that we disciplined his nephews if he ever felt disrespected by them, we disciplined them but he always had me do it. Afterwards telling them you better not tell your mom or else! Now he tells his sister that the car was old the speedometre turned over a few times and he was planning on buying a Cadillac that has more power and leg room and that he couldn't have cared about the car.

I'm still going to try to work on myself I realize that I'm a terrible person and drunkard and a cheater but I'm going to get better I want this marriage to work the only thing that I have is God and MB I put my trust in God.

Wow why are you even with him? He told you to beat young children with a belt? I would have screamed at you too. He opened you up to assault/abuse charges.

Have you read about Plan B yet?
Have you gotten the book Surviving an Affair?

Prisca Yes and yes! Things were going sooo good between us... Like we were a real happy family then this all hits. It's possible that I'm still in shock and that reality hasn't hit in yet.

After giving him the letter to read and after reading it, he excused himself from the house to "catch" a breather. Later on there was a knock on the front door and I answered it to find his mom standing on my doorstep. She immediately hugged me and begin to start crying. I was like really confused at this point until she said to me I can't believe that he just left you!

Except the thing was he HADN'T. He hadn't left me! His mom did that for him and I was standing there in I mismatched pyjamas holding H's crying mom as she told me about our break up that hadn't happen yet. What the world coming to! It just me a GOD and maybe he can make things work?

Hold on.
You weren't supposed to hand him the Plan B letter.
Did you copy the letter from the book?
Since you gave it to him, has all contact ended?
Do you have an intermediary?

What do you mean he hasn't left you? I thought he left 2 weeks ago?

What I meant is that when he left he sent his mother to tell me that he left me. Yes I copied the left from and sent it too him. No there's been no contact between either of us.

You didnt answer my other question.
Do you have an intermediary?

Do you have a sponsor and how often are you attending AA meetings?

You are doing a great job, BTW

Where we live AA programs run daily so for the last two weeks it's been everyday and yes I've a female sponsor. With no contact with H or his mom or anyother men.

Ok good.

I hope you told your husbands sister about his part in the abuse so she can protect them from him. It's actually good news that this stuff is coming out even if it hurts your reputation.

Yours has the potential to be the most awesome plan b reinvention because of how bad things were. Thank goodness you took action.

Indie it's best to forgive and forget! The nephews were spoiled had potty mouths and were destructive. The boys refused to go to bed on time and complete their homework, I do regret doing it my hands used to shake before during and after, that being said their grades did pick up like H said they would.

Suddenly they learned to take baths as well as wash their hair and put on clean clothes. Visitors to our home often remaked how well mannered the nephews behaved. They were over once a week in our home H made them take opera lessons and he enrolled them in a choir if they didn't practice you know what happened. H did have a positive influence in their lives by regulating who their friends were eventhough they lived with their mom

Friday's nights they stayed over at our home. H would've have made a great interrogator by questioning for them details he was able to find out with whom they associated with during the week even if their mom gave the ok to hang with friends their uncle didn't approve of I can assure they didn't after H told them there would be severe consequences if they did. Certain cultures are different than others.

This is what I miss about him the caring and nurturing side, remember he didn't want to have them over at our home. It was due to the orders of his mom to watch the kids while her rebellious daughter painted the town red. H hated his sister saying that she was bad seen a stain to the family name, if it wasn't for his mom he would have disowned her.

Actually Dr H has written an article on why forgiving and forgetting is a terrible idea!

Hope, your husband has some great attributes I'm sure, but strong arming obedience is not one of them. Take you for example. You were perfectly willing to be a good wife there's no need to force obedience on you, and 'order' you to do things as he has been doing.

You understand that hitting the boys had nothing to do with their welfare and everything to do with getting dirt on you? More ways to force obedience from you. There's a reason he didn't do it himself.

You also need to accept responsibility for the fact that there was no purpose or need to obey him - you knew it was wrong. You have to start taking responsibility for your own decisions.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

In serious situations, forgetting is to be avoided so that real change can be made.

It's highly unlikely that his sister would continue entrusting you two with her boys unless a radical change were demonstrated. That would be far better than her ignoring the issue a.d risking it continuing. She has a responsibility that goes beyond forgiving.

Omg it worked H called my IM today saying that he still has feelings for me. He did tell her that I was violent towards him for example H said I would punch him in the mouth for smiling at me if I was in a bad mood, and that I treated his family like crap. There were some more horrible things being said, but what hurt me most is being told that I was an abusive [censored] who kicked the crap out of him when I felt like it.

Yeah I was used to hit him while being drunk but I'll work on learning to control my rage addiction. God does answers prayers.

In some Buddhist orders, children as young as 9 are enrolled and forced to run up hills, and crawl down them on their hands and arms. If they dont wake up on time they are beaten with a bamboo cane. It would be considered abuse by many, but this same Buddhist group travels the world and people pay money to watch them break bricks with their hands, perform martial arts etc.

Spanking kids isnt the end of the world. It actually used to be normal. My dad told me as a young child it wouldnt be uncommon to be spanked by the school vice principal or a neighbor if he behaved bad.

No. Nothing has worked yet. Do not have any contact with him until he agrees to end his affair.

Just popping in here to say that your IM is not supposed to be telling you a single thing about what H says about his feelings. An IM is not for the purpose of communicating feelings.

You should not have even heard this fog-talk.

The only time that your IM should be passing info onto you is when childcare arrangements are needed, etc. OR when your H agrees to make all of the changes that you required in order to be willing to recover the marriage. Has your H agreed to all of the requirements from the Surviving an Affair checklist?

If not, then the affair is still ON.

Does your IM understand her job as an IM?

Have you sent this to your IM? Intermediary Training School