Too bad his mother doesn't care. She could have been a great influence.

3Ls, I would get the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love and ask your husband if he will go through the steps. If you and he are disciplined enough to do it, you can do it on your own. My H and I went through the MB professional program with great success, but you can do this on your own if you will follow the steps.

Another great resource is the MB radio show which plays every day. You can download the app on your phone and listen to the show anytime. They have it for iPhones and Androids. It is an amazing free resource. You can also email them for free advice.

Will your husband come here and post to us?

The reason I think your husband will like Marriage Builders is because Dr Harley has an engineers mind. His program is very precise and very action driven. There is no fluff to it. It is not based on theories or guesses, but is a program that he TESTED. Here is an interesting article about Dr Harley: here

We have the book Surviving an Affair.
I have read 2 thirds of it. (Almost lit it on fire last night whey my husband said he could get nothing from it... He fished it out of the ashes.)

We have another one to, "Not just friends"
Yes my husband WILL come here if i tell him to. But i don't want to force anything. I will broach the subject as i familiarize myself with your program here.
I forced him to go to a different forum and well.... it did not work out for him or me. But he was in Japan at the time. With the separation i don't think anything could have worked for us then.

I am glad you have the book. It has the best plan in it for recovering your marriage to something even better than it was before the affair. Keep reading it, and we can answer any questions.

As Melodylane said, this program really appeals to a lot of men because Dr. Harley has the mind of an engineer. I am willing to bet your husband would find it to be a breath of fresh air compared to other sites/programs.

Don't tell him to get on here. Ask him to.

Can you put aside all the other books and focus on this plan? Other programs have some good ideas, but none of them have a plan. If we are to help you, we really need you to focus on this plan and not muddy the waters with other dogs and cats.


You have a right to insist that your husband take steps to recover your marriage. If he won't do that, then Dr Harley would advise you to separate. Having no plan is a plan to fail. We are not asking him to come here so we can waste his time with idle chat. But to show him a plan that will really turn his marriage around. I can understand why he was discouraged with previous efforts, but this is different.

Another thing that might help is asking him to download the MB radio app and let him listen to Dr Harley. That might persuade him to get more involved when he can see that this is not the typical useless marriage program.


And they probably didn't have a plan. It has been my experience that most marriage forums are little more than chat blogs where people with wrecked marriages trade personal opinions. We don't do that here.

The other website i went to did have a plan, But i don't feel it was the right one. It also had like you say people with varying opinions. Which normally i like, but when i have been in my own fog, I don't have time to see through everyone else's foggy thinking.

I will broach the subject with my husband in the ensuing days. Last night was enough emotions for me for a night or two. :p Fighting and giving up, up and down left and right. I need a cease fire for a moment. Lol

It might be easier if you give him a letter. We would strongly suggest that you institute a permanent cease fire TODAY. No more fighting. The affairs should not be brought up again. That just keeps you angry and sad and makes it harder for you to recover. [believe me, I learned this the hard way! ]

Please give him this letter:

Dear Mr threelittlestars, your wife has reached out to us for assistance and I would like to invite you to our forum. We use the Marriage Builders program which is completely different from other programs. It is not a blog for personal opinions; we help people focus on this step by step program that really does work. It is different in that it is a step by step program to save your marriage. We focus on the present and the future, not the past. Our theory is that we cannot change the past but we can make the present and future great.

The purpose of the plan is:

1. affair proof your marriage
2. create romantic love in your marriage
3. MOVE FORWARD IN HEALING

We do this by eliminating all fighting, all discussion of the affair<s> and focusing mainly on making your marriage a fun, safe place again. We will help your wife heal from this traumatic shock and get you back on the right path.

If you want to get an idea of how Dr. Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders operates, you can listen to his radio show here: here There is also an app for iPhones and androids.

If you will come here and start a thread, we will be glad to assist you.

How old are your children? Have you exposed to your children?

5, 3 and one year. my oldest does kinda understand....

The sooner you two can get started on this program, the better off you will be. I hope you will seriously consider it.

Thinking about you this morning, stars. You're right, you can't keep fighting. That's no way to live. I highly recommend taking MelodyLane's letter to your WH so you guys can get on the road to recovery. Where you are now, both of you angry and fighting and not making any progress, you can't keep that up.

I am considering it. I have a few differences of opinion on a few points, but once i read and learn more about it i am sure there is method to the madness. My biggest problems right now are if he is staying for the kids at this point, and if he will leave later.

The other is never bringing up his affairs again. I believe in digging deep and not just dropping that situation. I don't believe i have ANY responsibility in his choice to cheat. I will however take responsibility for my part in the state of the marriage. Which unless my husband is full of [censored], (i am sure he is) he believes our marriage is actually great, but that he only tried to dislike me after he started straying.

I want marriage counseling, and he only recently came around and said we did need it. He does not like talking with other people. Seems a common trait in people who have cheated.

Nobody is asking you to take responsibility for his choice to cheat. Your part in the state of the marriage, yes, but you are in the same marriage and did not cheat.

As for digging deep into the affair. Yes and no. You need to know the logistics in order to be able to know he's not straying. Do you want to know every detail of every conversation? Do you want him to apologize? Do you want to know exactly what he did every moment with someone else? What is it that you are hoping to find when you "dig deep"? The reason? The why he did it? You're not going to get that answer. And you're going to make yourself and him miserable in the process of trying to find out. Don't believe me? Try asking your 3 year old why he hit his brother. It happened. It was lack of impulse control and lack of boundaries. (I'm not saying your WH is as immature as a 3 year old, just drawing a comparison.)

Marriage counseling. No. I'm sorry, I know it seems like it would help, it's what people always try, but it doesn't work. Dr Harley has said quite a bit on the subject, I'll see if I can find some links. Or maybe one of the veterans here will have them on hand.

Once you have all the details of the affair, continuing to talk about it will only hurt your recovery. You cannot heal as long as you dwell on the pain, and your husband will only pull further and further away.

All the couples here who have recovered followed this part of the plan. None of us discuss the painful past. We focus on the present, and on the future. And we are all very, very happy.

If you have any doubts on this, I encourage you to write Dr. Harley himself. He will talk to you for free: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Marriage counseling was mostly for mediation so we could learn to talk together about these issues without the blow ups, and somewhat for the advice. Without me yanking off my ring and tossing it at him. (Lack of impulse control, in anger i have that in spades.)

We are not physically violent, but our words constantly cut each other deeply now. In my mind, prior to 7 months ago we hardly argued and we argued respectfully when we did.

Everything has changed. I love him, but its more we been together forever love, not romantic at all... 9 years married, he is the only man i have slept with, he is my first on EVERYTHING. (Neither of us are religious), just were deeply in love at a young age. Curiosity got the better of him, but now i find myself unable to forgive. How can i want my marriage and a successful loving one if i can't forgive? It just does not equate, and if i can't forgive it won't be a happy marriage for either of us.

Do i want to let go? NO. I want to try to forgive, but right now i just can't.

Thanks for the positive thoughts guys. I will get back to reading. I talked to my husband briefly about this site last night, i explained about the philosophy a bit, and he was hesitant but then asked if I thought it was better than that other site? (Which was a train wreck) I said i don't know. But it does seem more direct. He then nodded and said good, he would check it out tonight.

I did not show the letter but he already said he would come here and check it out before i had a chance.

Marriage Builders can help you with this. Markos and I have been through quite a ringer (an affair, anger, emotional abuse, separation, fighting day in and day out, etc) but we NEVER fight anymore. We haven't fought in years. Marriage Builders taught us how to handle conflicts without fighting over them.

Dr. Harley doesn't advocate forgiveness of an affair. Instead, he teaches the concept of "Just Compensation."

You can read more about that here: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

When you receive Just Compensation, it will make up for the pain the affair caused you.

Markos has not "forgiven" me for my affair. We don't even go there. Instead, we focused on Just Compensation. He also hasn't forgotten (to forget would not only be impossible, but foolish) -- but we never discuss the affair, or any other painful experiences in the past. We focus on the present, and building a fantastic marriage in the present, and we look forward to the future. Focusing on the past would only keep us living in the pain.

Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

One of the guys on this forum who really helped me get this program was an excellent Marriage Builders who happened to be a former wayward husband who is now in a happy marriage thanks to Marriage Builders. Your husband might find that interesting. Marriage Builders truly does build a good marriage with a happily ever after ending for both husband and wife, regardless of who might or might not have been previously unfaithful.

We do occasionally get posters here who want to club somebody for being unfaithful, but if anyone sticks to the program Dr. Harley has laid out and follows it, a happy marriage is the result. And while Dr. Harley is the first to point out that there is no excuse for infidelity and that such behavior is absolutely reprehensible, he also doesn't support berating a wayward spouse.

Here are some good clips from Dr. Harley on just compensation. Tell us what you think.

What is Just Compensation?

Have not had much time to read the past two days. I have been moving my great aunt into a retirement community and shuffling her books (20,000 books) into storage and her new place and my house. Been a huge project. I got her to let go of half her books and she still has 20,000 books!

Anyway, both of us have looked into marriage builders, (I a little more in depth.) The husband is willing to try... But he expressed caution. He in scared things are going to be worse off... Its like he is paralyzed by fear a bit.

Anyway. still looking into it and tentatively applying the program where we can.