�I� need help you all with my feels regarding� the affairs� and the� OW who had the OC. The birth of my own child, actually just thinking about� last year brings me so much pain. I don't� understand how I didn't know any of this was going on. I will first say that I� never expected a perfect relationship but I� don't understand all of this. How will� I ever� really be happy� in my marriage if I am constantly� comparing� and contrasting myself with these OW, specifically the OC� mother. I don't want to live the rest of my life looking over� my shoulder and feeling that I am not good enough. Being intimate with my H is difficult and how can a marriage survive this? My emotions are all over� the place, I� think� I might� be� depressed and IC hasn't� been the answer. Please any advice may help.....

Hi nique, the answer is to create a SAFE, affair proof, ROMANTIC marriage. If you can do that, then all your resentment and your fears will fade with time. When a person is happy in the present, their minds don't go to the past. Trust me, it works.

If you and your husband can diligently follow this program, you can turn this around. If he won't make a radical change in his lifestyle that protects you in the future, then nothing we tell you can make a difference.

Did you get the book Surviving an Affair from Dr Harley yet?

I would start right here with this checklist and ask your husband to come here and start his own thread.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

If your IC has had you talking about the OW and OC, there's your answer. Talking about the issue keeps it present. Dump the IC and concentrate on excluding all signs of the OW.