Hello, I have been reading through the MB website and forums and am finally ready to reach out for help!

My H and I have been together almost 5 years, married 3. We have a 15 month old and started talking about a 2nd child around February. Very soon after we found out I was pregnant. H did not care for me and the pregnancy NEARLY as much as the first (but am unsure if it�s just because it�s not as new and exciting anymore). H and I have had a very solid marriage up until about February/March when we found out I was pregnant. He found out in January he is getting deployed (military). We were somewhat okay with the deployment since it is to a relatively �safe� location. We have gone through one deployment before (no kids) and it was not a problem for us.

In May he went to military training for 3 weeks. While there he called and skyped myself and our son regularly. Our conversations were normal but limited due to his time in training. When he returned I noticed he was cold and distant immediately. I saw a photo of his group at training and saw another woman that he had NEVER mentioned. Big red flag. He said she was no one, just someone else there for training. After 2 days of being cold and distant I confronted him. He told me he was unhappy and that there had been a distance growing between us. He told me he would be going to the house to get things to stay at a friend�s for the night. I just said �ok�. I was shocked, he has never left in any situation even to cool off.

A few hours later I realized that my H thought it was okay to just walk out on his pregnant wife and 1 year old without even talking in person. That is unacceptable to me. I sent him a text saying to find time to get the rest of his things, I didn�t want him to come back. (eek, can�t believe I said that!) After that I tried to talk with him. He said he that he wants a divorce and that there is no way we can be together and he would not go to counseling. He said he had tried to make things work and couldn�t do it any longer. I asked if it was �her�. He said it had nothing to do with another woman.

I found an attorney the next day and filed for a divorce, he accompanied me to the office and was served at the same time. He kept telling me that everyone will be happier this way�
A few weeks later I discovered that they were skyping and it was obvious they were at the very least flirting. When I confronted him he got angry and asked me to �respect his privacy�. He then removed my access to our cell phone account.
After this he went to military training for another 3 weeks.

One day I heard a �ding� on our home tablet. His phone had backed up all of his photos to the tablet (he and I had no idea this happened). It was horrible. He had moved in with the OW 24 hours after leaving us. They were going out on dates, she even flew out to see him in training.
I confronted him and told him he needed to tell me EVERYTHING start to finish. He had a difficult time, many times he would not respond for a long time and he told me it was only flirting then that they had kissed. Then that it was only once, and back to kissing. I feel like he told me about 90% of the truth. He said that he was unhappy before meeting her and that she did nothing to make him leave.

He still maintains he wants a divorce and we are continuing the process, it�s all VERY real. He has never ever said he wants to come back or try. I have expressed to him that I understand I was not meeting his emotional needs and I regret that. He only says that he feels like we argued all the time and he walked on eggshells. When I asked how long he had been unhappy he can on say within the past few months! Such a short timeline to stop communicating and then start an affair and leave.

The plot thickens.

The OW and my WH work together and can get in a lot of trouble for this. They are also both deploying to different countries. I have also talked with her last 2 boyfriends (she got dumped right before she started the A with WH) they say she comes off so sweet but cannot stay with one man, has no conscience, and will lie lie lie. She sounds like a manipulator? I found her Pinterest- every time she starts a new relationship she pins wedding ideas (including this A). My husband says a lot of cold things about money and our divorce that don�t sound like him at all! He has never cared much for money until now.

I recently contacted their leadership to see what they know. They thought WH and I were having normal marital problems and choosing to divorce. I let them know it was due to an affair. They issued a no contact order to both parties this past weekend. WH does not know it is because of me. They said if I send in the photos they will reprimand both parties and that would likely affect WH�s pay so I have not. I have spoken with WH�s father and sister about it but not in detail. They feel that he truly was unhappy and then happened to meet OW. My family knows all and supports me. I do not have much contact with any of WH�s friends but have told one of them who is on my side. It would be difficult to expose to friends of WH or OW because they could cause them to be reprimanded.
He is just now deploying and when I asked what his plan with OW is since the no contact order he said �I don�t know�. I have been trying to be in Plan A and let him get situated in his new environment without her there constantly. I�d like to try to make deposits to his love bank before Plan B (advice appreciated since it�s long distance!) We plan on skypeing regularly so he can talk to our son. Other than that the divorce continues. So now I am awaiting the next few weeks to initiate Plan B. Also, I have not sent him a letter�

Thoughts? And TIA, truly

Do you want to recover your marriage?

Yes, although sometimes I feel like there is no way my WH will even consider it. I still have so much love for him but am prepared to deal with a finalized divorce if it comes down to it.

For the next two weeks, try to be as nice as possible to your husband. Cook his favorite dinners, and tell him you are willing to create a romantic loving marriage but he must first end his affair.
Secondly, expose the affair to family and friends and the military. Send evidence to the military.

Jedi Knight- He just deployed this past weekend to the Middle East so everything will have to be via phone or internet for now

If I send the evidence to military friends and his leadership it would almost definitely affect his pay and promotions for the next 12 years that he wants to commit to the military which it sounds like Dr Harley would not advise to do?

I have made his leadership aware though and they gave the no contact order and left it up to me to pursue further action.

These steps will not recover your marriage. If you wish to remain married, you will need to fully expose the affair to the military and your husband will need to leave the military and get a job where the two of you are together nights. If your H does not peruse the affair with current OW, it will be some other OW.

Sorry....

BTW, my H's affair while in the Army did lead to lost promotions, early retirement and a huge economic hit. But, we are happily married seven years later.

AM

I have been through this as a military wife so this is what I did. I went into mybhusbabd's command with proof of the EA. Told them I was going to IG and Jagg if they did not fix the issue. If they affect his pay it will wake him up! It was make him choose what to do. He is headed down a bad path with a women he works with. My H started to fall for a girl who has the same qualities you listed about the OW, so I confronted her too. Do what you can to save your family, also his commend can make him go to counseling. My H and I went for 6 months and it helped a lot. We are going through something now because we are out the military so he is free from accountability, use the military to get your H to man up, but do what I didn't, use MB to keep your bond strong and fight for it!

Another thing, my husband had PTSD AND A TBI after deployment. If your husband has anything like that you fighting for your marriage is worth the pay decrease! Get back into school, get some work experience and together you guys can make that money back. But if you say nothing he will have a great income, to date the OW, and that most likely you won't even get. I know plenty if military wives whose husband's don't send them money like they are suppose to, until the wives fight in court and get the husband's wages garnished. However that can take some time.

Read here for more info on military marriages:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=68&page=1

Lovestarr6- what did they do after you came to them? What did the OW say when you confronted her? Since I have already initiated the divorce we have had a status hearing with the judge and court order that our money will continue being deposited into the joint account and all bills will be paid from it.

Thanks goody2shoes, checked it out.

My biggest concern is: everyone around me is saying that he must have some serious issues if he went from being unhappy for a few months to meeting someone over a 3 week period and leaving his pregnant wife and 1 yo so quickly. I have read about Sudden Spousal Abandonment- that it isn't really the affair for why he left. I'm worried.

Dr. Harley would advise you to expose to the military and to all of your friends and family. The OW's family should be told also. Hopefully, your husband will be kicked out of the military because it is the only hope for your marriage.

He left to pursue his affair. Everyone around you is saying that because they have no experience with affairs. Your husband's experience is the rule, not the exception. And it really doesn't matter why he left, what matters is that you remove the reasons that are preventing him from wanting to come back: HIS AFFAIR.

Your job is to kill the affair. And that starts today with mass exposure. Please go read the link in my signature.

I can't find the Dr Harley article but it does say that it certain circumstances you shouldn't reveal to the employer if it will cause significant financial hardship- this would do that. It would also cause me to lose health insurance for our children.

MelodyLane- does it sound like this could be an exit affair? It just seems so horrible to not even be able to wait until after his deployment (since he won't be seeing us anyways)....

I have read the link, plan on exposing tonight to friends/family.

I know what article you mean. Read all of it (read it three, four times) and no cherry-picking. The chance of an affair in a military marriage is much higher than in an ordinary marriage. The odds are not in your favour. Exposure is the most powerfull weapon to end an affair.

Not all employers help you end the affair, but your husbands employer does. Be gratefull for that and expose. It will spare you a lot of pain. Listen to the experts on this matter.

If you still have doubts, try to be on the radio show so Dr. Harley himself can tell you what to do.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_exposed.html

You are twisting his words. He only advocates not exposing long enough for the cheater to leave the job.


In your case, you know your husband has no intention of leaving the job so there is no need to wait for exposure. You seem to have chosen his income over your marriage but I would point out that you won't have that income if you are divorced. That is where you are headed. When you get divorced, you will be competing with the OW for his income. And he will strive to ensure you LOSE that battle.

We are trying to help you avoid that, but he has to get another job in order to do it. If you expose at the workplace, the hope is that he will be fired.

Additionally, if YOU expose to the IG yourself, you can ask that they help your family in their decision. The military is usually very helpful in that regard.


I don't know what an "exit affair" means because all affairs are the same. The remedy is the same.

I am going to write Dr Harley and ask him to consider completely remove that "wait 30 days" clause because every conflict avoider uses that as a loophole.

Thanks MelodyLane, although I know WH is in a fog- I feel like I am in just as much of a fog myself!

Okay, so to clarify and understand a path forward:
1. Expose

2. Remain in Plan A- for how long and advice to make love deposits via long distance?

3. Ok, now I'm stuck- I still haven't asked/demanded he leave OW or told him I'm willing to work to change and meet his needs. We just haven't had any REAL conversations, in the beginning it was so emotional and me asking "why" and "how could he do this".

Exit affairs are malarkey . People exit because of the affair. They do not use the affair to 'help' them exit.

Send it in a letter

You need to get Surviving an Affair a sap.