So many questions, and yet the hurt makes me feel like shutting down and not being able to ask any of them, but I just have to know.
My question is, about the letter. The right way to end the relationship. Is this the way to do it, in every situation? I feel this is how I want it done, but in your opinion, and I really wish I could hear Dr Harley's, is this the way in our situation? Her's was with someone who lives several states away. No known physical contact. All was online and phone. An old close friend, both have had feelings for each other from way back. It was emotional and sexual. Last communication may have been last fall. Contact info has been deleted, unfriended, blocked, ect. We've read about the right way to end the relationship, and the letter. She says it was over long ago, it ended, and there has been nor will there be any further contact. I of course am skeptical and not 100% trusting. So, should she write the letter, and if so, how does it get to him?

Yes she should write the No Contact letter and it should be sent certified mail by you.
If she is hesitant to write it, it means she is not willing to establish no contact.
Is the man married?
Was the affair exposed to family and friends?

That is a concern of mine, about the no contact or possible future contact. Not sure about finding an address. He might have been staying with someone. Not married. No one knows about this except her and I.

Hi 1Broken1, is your wife's screen name "pakaco?"

How is it going with you and your wife?

I'd prefer to be able to ask questions, express thoughts and feelings, and have constructive feedback here, anonymously. If that is possible. If not, I understand and will withdraw from the forum. At this point this is the only place, and whoever reads theses are the only people I have to talk with about these things. People who may have the knowledge, wisdom, and experience to be able to provide positive and proven answers. I do anticipate counseling in the future, once I figure out how I can access that. So, I'd appreciate it if this is not shared. But, as I said, if that's not what I can expect here, that's fine. I'll withdraw from this. I've never really been a forums person anyway.
Thank you

How on earth is revealing your wife's screen name any compromise on your anonymity? It is rather providing information that is essential to helping you. Do you want help, or do you think this is some kind of internet role playing game? It's not like ML asked for your real name. My screen name is "mrEureka" because my wife came her first and chose the screen name "eureka". So, does that help you figure out anything personal about me? No, it just let other posters help me more effectively. So, do you want help or not?

You can be assured this is an anonymous forum. We don't know your real name or your wife's. We would be glad to answer your questions. The answer to your question is YES, the letter should be sent. Probably the best way to get it to him is to have her write it and you should mail it together.


I hope that you tread cautiously in that endeavor because most marriage counselors are little more than divorce facilitators. They have no idea how to save marriages and even less understanding of the dynamics of an affair.

If you and your wife are disciplined, you can recover your marriage using the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love along with the support of this forum and the free radio show. [click on the radio link at the top of the page]

Broken have you read the rules of the forum? Only Dr Hs express advice is given here. Any personal advice or opinions would be moderated and deleted.