Hello everyone, I have somewhat of a dilemma. My wife and I have been happily married 3 years and have a blended family.

The toll of having different sleeping habits, different styles of parenting and housekeeping has made her feel that it's best we live separately but stay married. She says she has no desire to divorce or separate in terms of marriage.

I have been supportive of this move if it makes her happy, but I have doubts this will help our marriage and of course the feeling that there's more to it (though I have no indications there is).

Should I continue to go along with this or fight it?

How are you going to solve a marriage of independent behavior by living independently? That makes zero sense.

No do not go along with this plan. You are married, stay and fix your marriage instead. The MB plan is the best way to do that.

Also, what have you done to snoop for an affair? It is very likely she is moving out to pursue an affair.

Welcome to MB.

I know it makes no sense to me, but the reasons are valid and have caused stress but not enough to warrant living in different places.

In regards to snooping...no, not beyond what I already have access to. Her phone is on my account and I've never seen anything suspicious or out of the ordinary in the records. We have each other's phone passwords as well. No suspicious social media activity, no late nights online...no partying or hanging with friends late.

Happy, what are your sleeping habits, parenting styles, and housekeeping differences that make raising your blended family in two homes more attractive to your wife than living together? Do you all get your date nights together?

If she doesn't want to sleep with you, parent with you or have a home with you, which aspect does she want to keep?

Romantic dates are very important, especially after marriage but the aim of generating love is to motivate each other to resolve these very complaints. When we are in love we are more interested in changing and adapting to our partners requirements.

The dating relationship is to assess each other's suitability and ability to do this. Accepting a failure to do this usually means ending things. She is starting this process.

Why don't you simply address her complaints using the PoJA? Surely modifying your sleeping habits will be a breeze compared to maintaining two roofs and then paying for a divorce.

Dr H has spoken often on the radio about incompatible sleeping habits being a love-killer. Even if one spouse is a horrible snorer he does not recommend sleeping apart, but getting help from the best experts. It's that important.

PoJA is particularly important in blending families. You have to make sure you are as one on everything with so many competing interests threatening you both.

If your wife disapproves of a habit, or decision whether it be a punishment method for the kids or your independently choosing your bedtime - don't do it. Pick an option you both approve of.

I'm one of the first people to suspect an affair, but her complaints are all very rational and you say nothing about addressing them, even though you are facing a separation, which is concerning.


That said, she is going to have to fill her nights somehow in the near future. If you go along with her assessment that you are basically incompatible (by moving out you say separation is more appealing than addressing her complaints) then she will be very vulnerable for an affair.

I'm not saying she intentionally plans anything but a separated woman in an incompatible marriage is a beacon for the wrong type of friends.

If she does have her head on right about boundaries during a separation then she is hoping you will address her complaints once you miss her.

To address the dating question, yes...we do a date night at least once a week if we can. We also take trips together (no kids). So the dating part of our marriage is there.

In regards to complaints, they are as follows:

We both have kids from previous marriages and the ex-spouses are very involved (good thing) and controlling (not so good) with their parenting. This has caused the kids to not respect either of us from the beginning. It's gotten better but still issues with not listening, not cleaning up, etc. My wife can deal with her "bio" children's discipline needs, but struggles having to deal with mine. Vise-versa for me.

In regards to sleeping....I am a light sleeper, she is a heavy sleeper. She likes to sleep in...but we go to bed generally at the same time. Lastly, her preference would be to go to bed with TV or music on...but due to my light sleeping, she has compromised and sleeps without it.

I'd also say she's less organized then I am, but...I've adjusted, but she would rather deal with her own messes then anyone elses.

So I suggested we get a nanny or housekeeper (which would be cheaper then managing finances of another place)...but that idea was shot down.

I'll say though that she's always had an "isolationist" mindset if that makes sense. Even before we got married, she talked about having her own living space or if we ever built a house..having her own "getaway" guest house on the property.

Exactly and I expressed this to her as a major concern. Her response was that I'll have a key to her place, so she'd expect that I'd be spending a lot of time over there.

You need 4 date night per week. Have you read His Needs, Herneeds for parents? There is a chapter about blended families.

What are your wife's complaints? How have you addressed them

If you haven't already, you should listen to yesterdays show. You may receive insight from it. Also, search the archives for OCD husbands.

I will check it out. You mentioned my comments being judgemental, I should point out that this is what came from her. I rarely if ever complain about her cleaning habits, but I recognize there are differences.

Your description, in your first post, of being "happily married" is at odds with what you describe as your problems, and your wife's desire to separate. What do you mean by "happily married"?

Yes, I know it sounds odd, but we are happy with each other, we get along well. I've asked her if she's happy with our marraige and she says that she is. The living situation in her words is what makes her unhappy.

I think either you are being gaslighted about an affair or your wife is afraid/not honest enough to tell you she is very unhappy with you and she is about to drop a bomb on you (like separation/divorce).

The little alarm going off in your head telling you this will be a disaster should not be ignored. This will not end well if you agree to this.

People don't get married to live in separate houses.

I wouldn't spend time spinning your wheels about things she said years ago trying to figure this out, that is in the past. You need to focus on snooping and figuring out what you are doing to make her unhappy and how to stop doing it immediately.

When my ex-wife was having her affair I could tell something was wrong and tried 2 or 3 times to talk about what was eating at her or if I was bothering her and I got the "everything is fine with us/I'm OK" answers while she meticulously planned her exit. Not every cheating wife will complain, and if she is cheating, she will have no problem with extreme dishonesty.

If you snoop and rule out an affair you need to focus like a laser on eliminating all of the habits you described earlier that are making her unhappy.

There's a lot of stuff in this program which would address all these issues. For example, Dr H recommends parents in blended families do not attempt to discipline each others children as it's generally a disaster. PoJA also dictates that other people's opinions cannot possibly be prioritized above your spouses so trying to co-parent with exes is probably a mistake. parallel parenting (where your ex has no say or vice versa on fine details of parenting that happens during your parenting time) is probably a better bet.

It's not possible for people to be in love on just one date a week. Before you moved in together you probably dated more. Or visited each other's homes where you behaved like host and guest - more more like a date. If she were dating you four times a week shed be passionately in love. Music at bedtime would seem very unimportant when going to bed with a passionate love interest.

The woman's love bank usually dries up first. She doesn't seem actively unhappy with you but women who start to prioritize space and music/TV at bedtime are starting to drift.

Family commitment is highly important to women too, so those blend family issues must be addressed.

All this can be done without moving out.

A wife who is happy does not want to separate.
She's not happy.

And it's likely because you are not spending enough time alone together meeting each others needs. As a blended family, you need to be very vigilant in protecting your time alone together.

You need to be taking your wife out on dates more than just once a week. Dr. Harley recommends 15 hours of undivided attention each week to maintain romantic love.

I also encourage you to get the book "His Needs, Her Needs for Parents." It spends some time talking about blended families.

My gut tells me it's the latter. I have not seen any suspicious activity to lead me to believe there is an affair and I have access to a lot. I could always "snoop" more, but I haven't seen anything from what I have access to.

I agree. She say's she doesn't want to separate from "me". In her mind I would be spending a lot of time at her "place" and we would be going out on more dates. This is her words.


Not to make excuses because I'm generally the one pushing for more dates....but due to my work travel schedule and babysitting availability, 4 dates away from kids is not possible at this time, though I would love it.

She says that we spend a lot of time around each other (when I'm home) and that she doesn't have enough "alone" time. She wants to be able to "miss" me. Again, her words here.

Snoop more anyway, just to verify.