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A wife who is happy does not want to separate. She's not happy. I agree. She say's she doesn't want to separate from "me". In her mind I would be spending a lot of time at her "place" and we would be going out on more dates. This is her words. You can go on more dates without separating. Not to make excuses because I'm generally the one pushing for more dates....but due to my work travel schedule and babysitting availability, 4 dates away from kids is not possible at this time, though I would love it. You can say "Not to make excuses," but this is an excuse. You have time for what you make a priority in life, and right now, your marriage is not a priority. Which is why it's in trouble. If you want to save your marriage, you need to put it first and fit everything else in around it. I have 7 kids, and my husband and I have time for 15 hours of dates every week. I don't buy that you don't have time. She says that we spend a lot of time around each other (when I'm home) and that she doesn't have enough "alone" time. She wants to be able to "miss" me. Again, her words here. The time you spend at home together does not count as time alone when it comes to the health of your marriage. You need time alone, away from the kids and away from the house, doing ENJOYABLE things together and having ENJOYABLE conversation. Her plan to have time away from you to "miss you" will not work. It will only drive you further away. You need more time together, not apart. Do not move out.
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You can say "Not to make excuses," but this is an excuse. You have time for what you make a priority in life, and right now, your marriage is not a priority. Which is why it's in trouble. Fair assessment, but wouldn't you agree it takes effort of both of us to make it a priority? I'm the one who initiates and makes time for dates but not the other way around.
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You can say "Not to make excuses," but this is an excuse. You have time for what you make a priority in life, and right now, your marriage is not a priority. Which is why it's in trouble. Fair assessment, but wouldn't you agree it takes effort of both of us to make it a priority? I'm the one who initiates and makes time for dates but not the other way around. No you dont; you leave her alone all the time while you travel for work. Your wife is a convenience for you. Is she expected to keep the kids while you are gone too?
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Sounds like your job is your priority.
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Sounds like your job is your priority. I wouldn't say that's accurate. I travel only as required and she has been in support of it. So the solution is quit my job?
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No you dont; you leave her alone all the time while you travel for work. Your wife is a convenience for you. Is she expected to keep the kids while you are gone too? When I'm home I'm taking care of the kids so she can get rest and relaxation, so it's not a one-way street here. I'm fully aware of the burden here and she says it works for her. I ask many times if my travel is an issue...there's never been a complaint.
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You can say "Not to make excuses," but this is an excuse. You have time for what you make a priority in life, and right now, your marriage is not a priority. Which is why it's in trouble. Fair assessment, but wouldn't you agree it takes effort of both of us to make it a priority? I'm the one who initiates and makes time for dates but not the other way around. No, I don't. Dr Harley encourages husbands to do just what you are doing. Since the male love bank lasts longer than the female love bank (her feelings will dry up before yours) it makes sense for the man to pursue and lead. Dr H commonly tells women not to persist in marriages where they are leading, but he always tells men to try harder. An unfair strategy but it works. When her love bank is it full strength you'll have to peel her off you. She'll be desperate for dates. But that requires your actual time. An intention to give her time doesn't cut it. When she says she wants to miss you she means she wants to feel that powerful urge that is romantic love. She is probably puzzled over where it has gone. Dr H regularly studies couples levels of romantic love and he's never seen it present unless the couples spend time together. 15 hours is the lowest recorded - a very low love bank would need more. He wouldn't even take on couples for counselling if they didn't make it a priority to have this minimum level of time together. If someone were to tell him their job didn't allow it, he would simply tell them they sadly had a job which made romantic love impossible. As a man who did his PHD and ran ten treatment centres while giving his wife far more time than that, he doesn't judge people who don't, he just says he's never found a way to create love without the ingredients of time. Travelling jobs, even ones with lots of spare time, are a disaster for marriages. Bonding requires sleeping together every night. If you want bread, you need adequate flour. If you want love you need dates. If you don't have the time to create romantic love, then it stands to reason you won't have it.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/22/15 12:58 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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When I'm home I'm taking care of the kids so she can get rest and relaxation, so it's not a one-way street here. I'm fully aware of the burden here and she says it works for her. I ask many times if my travel is an issue...there's never been a complaint. I suspect your wife is quite a happy and independent person without you. I've heard Dr H say that Joyce could manage quite happily without him - but that he prefers her to be happy with his presence.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Women file for divorce far more frequently than men do because our love banks are so much more fragile. They need constant care from a man who understands he needs to put a lot more effort. A man can live in quite a neglectful marriage and still be very much in love. A woman will try to but won't be able to sustain a feeling of love. Women file for divorce twice as often as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce.
The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is "mental cruelty." When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband's efforts to drive them crazy. It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.
Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is "neglect" itself. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment. Husbands that work away from the home, sometimes leaving their wives alone for weeks at a time, fall into this category.
When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety.
Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I suspect your wife is quite a happy and independent person without you. I've heard Dr H say that Joyce could manage quite happily without him - but that he prefers her to be happy with his presence. All of this is true in our case. There is a lot of context that is too much to fit into a single post (I try not to be long winded), but I'll try: She is very independent, not very affectionate..tends to keep to her self..that's always been her personality. Right now she stays at home but has always preferred to work and make her own money (even though I can support with my job). In regards to being happy...she does suffer from depression but has been doing well the past few years. She just said last week that I make her happy and keep her wanting to be alive...she just doesn't know how to show it. Both of our previous marriages were abusive with a lot of fighting and disrespect. We don't have either of those issues...so I guess that's why I initially said we are happy.
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Fair assessment, but wouldn't you agree it takes effort of both of us to make it a priority? I'm the one who initiates and makes time for dates but not the other way around. It's usually necessary for a husband to do that and pursue his wife in this way. Eventually when she falls in love with him she will be more than willing to make time for dates.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I suspect your wife is quite a happy and independent person without you. I've heard Dr H say that Joyce could manage quite happily without him - but that he prefers her to be happy with his presence. All of this is true in our case. There is a lot of context that is too much to fit into a single post (I try not to be long winded), but I'll try: She is very independent, not very affectionate..tends to keep to her self..that's always been her personality. Right now she stays at home but has always preferred to work and make her own money (even though I can support with my job). In regards to being happy...she does suffer from depression but has been doing well the past few years. She just said last week that I make her happy and keep her wanting to be alive...she just doesn't know how to show it. Yeah not good. This is the canary keeling over in the mineshaft. Dr Harley commonly sees depression in women with low love banks. In fact I've heard him say that most female depression is linked to their marriages. When they separate, they feel happier - and of course divorce seems like a natural next step. Many women are very happy on their own. Most in fact. Figures show single women thrive, have long life expectancy and create supportive social groups. Men don't do nearly so well unmarried. Yet another reason why divorce is instigated mostly by women. However independent the woman, she is capable of being in an interdependent, passionate, happy marriage. With a traveling husband though, her independent skills are frequently needed and her bonding skills are never needed. It's a recipe for divorce.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/22/15 01:20 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Sounds like your job is your priority. I wouldn't say that's accurate. I travel only as required and she has been in support of it. So the solution is quit my job? You need to be together every night to be able to consistently fate and make love bank deposits. Modify your job if possible, find a new one if not. Its hard to be in live with someone who isn't there.
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No you dont; you leave her alone all the time while you travel for work. Your wife is a convenience for you. Is she expected to keep the kids while you are gone too? When I'm home I'm taking care of the kids so she can get rest and relaxation, so it's not a one-way street here. I'm fully aware of the burden here and she says it works for her. I ask many times if my travel is an issue...there's never been a complaint. obviously it is a problem or she wouldn't want to separate.
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obviously it is a problem or she wouldn't want to separate. From what she has said, she doesn't want to separate in terms of our marriage, only in residence. I know they are one and the same on the grand scheme of things. She wants to have place where she can have things "her way" there and I can have things "my way" here. But I don't have that desire...I'm OK with compromise.
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^This particular compromise is crazy town and you have plenty of people with experience being married telling you it doesn't add up.
She wants to separate, she can call it whatever she wants. She's asking not to live in the same house as you. That is very serious regardless of whatever else she says.
This "compromise" is only about a few steps away from an "open marriage" or divorce. Either of those sound good to you?
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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^This particular compromise is crazy town and you have plenty of people with experience being married telling you it doesn't add up.
She wants to separate, she can call it whatever she wants. She's asking not to live in the same house as you. That is very serious regardless of whatever else she says.
This "compromise" is only about a few steps away from an "open marriage" or divorce. Either of those sound good to you? When I say compromise, I meant in our current living situation...not compromise by living apart. I don't want her to live in a separate place. The thing is, how do you keep someone from doing what they already have their mind set on yet still support their needs?
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^This particular compromise is crazy town and you have plenty of people with experience being married telling you it doesn't add up.
She wants to separate, she can call it whatever she wants. She's asking not to live in the same house as you. That is very serious regardless of whatever else she says.
This "compromise" is only about a few steps away from an "open marriage" or divorce. Either of those sound good to you? When I say compromise, I meant in our current living situation...not compromise by living apart. I don't want her to live in a separate place. The thing is, how do you keep someone from doing what they already have their mind set on yet still support their needs? This. It's usually necessary for a husband to do that and pursue his wife in this way. Eventually when she falls in love with him she will be more than willing to make time for dates. How much time have you got in the same house as her? A man can very successfully woo a reluctant woman in a way we girls can't. Your travelling job is still a problem though. The bond will disappear each trip. She will be encouraged to make independent decisions which suit her alone. Every time you return you are an annoyance under her feet disrupting her set up. But this is only because the bond keeps being disturbed.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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How much time have you got in the same house as her?
A man can very successfully woo a reluctant woman in a way we girls can't.
Your travelling job is still a problem though. The bond will disappear each trip. She will be encouraged to make independent decisions which suit her alone.
Every time you return you are an annoyance under her feet disrupting her set up. But this is only because the bond keeps being disturbed. About 5 weeks left in the same house. She wants to start working first, so if she doesn't have a job by then, it will be longer. Unfortunately I do have some work travel scheduled though during this time.
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Have a nice divorce then.
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