8 long months. Yes I have changed.
The cause was revealed today. Life with me was not perfect. I was loving and true but there was something missing - I was not thrilling enough....34 years; was the thrill gone?.

In walks porn, dating sites and affairs did that make things better? Not really. So where do I go when - I am me and me was not perfect or thrilling then? Reinventing a relationship after decades is tough. I am lost.

Wonderinghow, you could have met his needs 100% and he would have still had affairs if he was out trolling for action. Don't blame yourself for your husbands behavior. That only harms him and does nothing to motivate him to change. You need to stop blaming your self and start holding him accountable if you want your marriage to ever recover. If not, then welcome to your future of more affairs.

Your husband will have to make radical changes in his approach to being a husband or he is not safe. Will he make radical changes?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you for sharing

Forgiveness, trust and faith. Words.

My husband broke my heart after 34_years of what I thought was good. So good but now after discovery I am sad. We went to church and a woman who looked like (ethinic) one of the dating site affairs sat next to him. Here he is wife on left, woman on right. After bible study women go to a class (subject today marriage and family) - I felt really tired.

Why is healing from infidelity so difficult. I guess it is a real blow on self esteem. I am an educated, devoted, attractive slim person - I wanted church to be a safe place.

How does a person get over pain and rejection. Tomorrow is work day.... The days seem long when the heart is broken. Any tips?

I saw your other thread.

MB does not encourage you to forgive the affair but for the wayward spouse to provide Just Compensation for the injury done. The plan here will help you through this.

You did not cause your spouse to have an affair; his poor boundaries did.

What are you doing to recover? Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Which items from the checklist above have been completed?

Long term: read Surviving an Affair, follow the plan.

Short term: the human brain can focus on one thing at a time. At this moment, it is probably focussing on the affair. This also triggers all the bad feelings. It's like torture. Think of something simple but pleasant, like puppies, decorating the christmas tree, anything (work?). Your brain connecs those thoughts with more pleasant emotions.

You cannot "stop thinking of something" ("don't think about red apples" causes you to think about red apples), but you can focus on something else.

You know the song from the Sound of Music "My Favourite Things"? It works, and has been scintifically proven. You can steer your thoughts and also the emotions that follow them. The emotions connected to facts occur 1-2 minutes after the initial thought. So if you find yourself thinking of the affair, directly focus on something else to stop your brain from making the emotional connection. Hope it helps you through the day.

MelodyLane just handed you the road map for recovery. Your response was "thanks for sharing". Enough seeking tips - do you want to get serious about doing something? We will be more than happy to walk you through the steps, but you are going to have to get up and dust yourself off. MB is an action plan for surviving an affair which like any tool, only really works if you use it as designed.

Did you read my post?

reposting

DS DD can you please
use full words. I can guess or you can add short cut key terms sheet. I tried to decode the response but was unable

My dear, you are the one who is unintelligible.

Nobody posted those abbreviations to you. What they did post was a lot of advice, and they asked you questions, and you have not dealt with the substance of those posts at all.

The terms "DD" and "DS" were in somebody's signature. They were not included as part of any advice to you. A signature is a way for readers to gain a quick overview of another poster's history. MrEureka tells us in his signature that he has a dear son - "DS" - who is aged 32, a dear daughter - "DD" - who is 31 and another son who is 28. However, you do not need to focus on signatures, which appear every time somebody posts. You need to focus on the advice you were given, or the question you were asked, in the main body of the post.

Your first post was brief and mysterious, and your second was not much better. Could you please start from the beginning by telling us what you have discovered and how you discovered it? What steps have you demanded of your husband, to ensure that the contact ends and never recurs? What is your husband's response to your demands? Has he taken any steps to end contact? (For example, is he still using the Internet? He should not be doing so.)

Have you both been tested for STDs? You need to do that, urgently.

Have you told your children, parents (on both sides), and close friends about your husband's affairs? You must do so - you alone, not with your husband giving his input.

How was your husband able to have these affairs and encounters? Does he travel for his job? Does he go to conferences and the like? Does he go to massage parlours? Does he pick up women on Craigslist? Have these opportunities been closed off to him now?

You won't begin to recover from the horrific things he has done until you have proof that the affairs have ended for good, until you know that such behaviour is impossible in the future because your H has taken steps to make it impossible (in Marriage Builders terms, this is known as transparency), and until you create a marriage of extraordinary care and attention, which involves spending at least 20 hours per week alone together, out of the house on dates.

Are you reading our posts? Can you please read and respond?

WH, do you think it would help if you visited your doctor and got a prescription for anti-depressants? It would help you think more clearly and calm your emotions.

Did you read this? This advice is practical for lifting your spirits and obliterating negative thoughts.

We are in recovery. It has been 8 months since I discovered the indiscretions that lead to my husbands infidelity.

Here is my situation - sudden questioning our relationship. All was good today. Then while in the grocery store (with him) I get this feeling of stress/worry and wonderment. I am hoping this will pass. I wondered at that moment if this feeling will only go away or will it be like this if I stay in our 30+ marriage.

Quick review: I was very happy for 30 years. I love him. He is getting involved in our church - now -- he wasn't before.

The shock causes me to question myself (am I pretty enough - even though people comment how nice I look). I worry, have fear, doubt and feel the stress from feeling despair.

HOW DO YOU GET OVER THESE SUDDEN FEELINGS OF FEAR AND DOUBT?

Wonderinghow,

Can you please answer the questions you have been asked on the other threads?

MB can provide you a framework for recovering your marriage after your husband's affair. If you follow the plan, you will feel better and won't have the feelings of fear and doubt.

AM

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

The shock causes me to question myself (am I pretty enough - even though people comment how nice I look). I worry, have fear, doubt and feel the stress from feeling despair.
Howdobyou curb sudden thoughts.., here is what happened today:
We are in recovery and have gotten over some bumps in the road to recovering from his unfaithful activity that went on for about 5 years.

----> It has been 8 months since I discovered the indiscretions that lead to my husbands infidelity.

Here is my feat doubt situation - sudden questioning our relationship. All was good today. Then while in the grocery store (with him) I get this feeling of stress/worry and wonderment. I am hoping this will pass. I wondered at that moment if this feeling will only go away or will it be like this if I stay in our 30+ marriage.

Quick review: I was very happy for 30 years. I love him. He is getting involved in our church - now -- he wasn't before.

Threads merged. Do not start any more threads. Post only to this thread.