My wife and I got back together and are working on the materials of MB as well as seeing an MC. Problems is that after exposing my ex bf to his friends and family I also demanded a full disclosure from him of his affair with my wife. What keeps me awake and almost makes me leave is her reason to him why she wasn't cheating. According to om when he asked my wife during their affair if she had any regrets her response was " it's not cheating if the man your cheating with **EDIT** ". How should I respond to this? What does this statement speak towards the character of my wife? Please help! I'm at my wits end interpreting this statement and weither or not I should stay.

What about your own affair? How did that end?

You did not seriously ask OM for that info did you?

He should be history by now with a curt 'don't contact us' letter in his pocket.


Are you here to get genuine advice? The stuff you say is hardly credible.

No I'm serious indie! In fact our mc demanded that I get closure from the om before we go deeper into therapy inorder to build trust. In therapy I couldn't forgive my wife without knowledge of the reasons for her affair. There's no way I'm going back into any relationship without further details as to W5 I just can't shake hands and say lets wipe the slate clean.

It's how I'm able to protect myself from further betrayals if I can understand why she did it and how she justifies the affair then and only then can I move on. At this stage in the game I am questioning if she's genuinely sorry for her actions I don't want to be in a relationship with a psychopath.

In order to get help I am merely asking how she justified the affair and that is what I pressed upon her ex lover as to what did she say to him about the affair did she laugh while they were having their affair was it funny to her was it just an ordinary thing was there any apathy?

How do you go from sleeping with your lover to walking into the same room as your husband and pretend that nothing happened during the day. Truly am concerned how I get by this after all if she has no regrets during the affair why would she have any regrets after the affair?

It's just very hard for me to wipe the slate clean without knowing what she thought during the affair. Is it justifiable to let the scorpion ride on my back again just because they said they were sorry? What I'm looking for is the intention. So this whole idea of discrediting myself there's no need for that, how do I wipe the slate clean without further details as to what she was thinking during the affair how did she justify it?

Grrrrrrrr. Closure. By reopening contact or by CLOSING IT.

I believe you now. I would believe anything of the average MC. Now you have an insult added to injury to mull over thanks to your MC.

What did the blinding fool expect him to say to you?

Ended badly with ow asking me how I could leave her standing alone in a world so cold? My wife was never satisfied in whatever I did for her however at the end of the day I decided to patch things up for the good of our child and that I still genuinely love her and I went to counseling and we working on the MB program.

If you are not back in, why are you home? Stop shilly shallying and raking up trouble.

In or out?

Nc letter?
exposure?
Changed contact details?

I don't see a lot of remorse here for what you did to your wife.

My wife is the love of my life this why I came back, I had the affair to get revenge. To prove to my wife that I could get another woman that women were attracted to me. In college most of the time was dedicated to studies and academic endeavour. Asking a girl out on a date was the worst thing I could ever do to a woman. Until I graduated and procured a good job in an IT company suddenly they all had time for me.

My wife knew this and cruelly reminded me of this often, through obfuscation and innuendo. Her philandering drove me into the arms of a younger woman in order to redeem what little self-esteem I had left. In saying that I do have regret and remorse for the affair.

The OW knows of my reason for the airfare I told her that my affair with her stem from my low self-esteem and it wasn't anything else. knowing what I know now how do I move on.

Indie regretfully I lived with 0W getting her out of the apartment was a lot easier said than done it didn't just happen overnight.

Do not blame your wife for the horrible thing you did. You had an affair for revenge, in order to HURT your wife. You wanted to cause her pain. She did not drive you to it.

Revenge affairs are the worst and the nastiest of affairs -- you knew first hand what pain an affair inflicts, and you intentionally did that to your wife.

If you want to recover your marriage, do not speak of her affair again. We need to be seeing more remorse from you at this point, and more focus from you on what you are going to do to compensate for what you have done.

Have you changed your contact info so the OW cannot contact you again? Have you sent her a No Contact letter, with your wife's approval? Has your affair been exposed to all family and friends?

God help me - I read this ridiculous sentence, and I think I died.

She made you do it? So you are totally under the control of other people?


That's insane because people don't gain self-esteem from doing reprehensible things. That's the way to lose self-esteem.

Is this the only other woman you have had during your marriage? Did you have intercourse with her? When did your relationship with her start? When did it first turn sexual?

Marcos I am working on this relationship with my wife using the marriage builders material. Firstly I have decided to wipe the slate clean however there is one detail that troubles me as we speak I am relaxed in my armchair on my iPod having a smoke and drinking an non-alcoholic beverage. The little detail that is bothering me is that I know who the betrayers were but who I don't know are the accomplices.

Seems rather convenient to think that my wife and her lover were able to cohabitate together behind my back without my knowledge unless there were people who fostered and facilitated the torrid affair.

And regarding my own affair I had suspected for some time of my wife doing the hanky-panky with another man what I didn't know was who that man was. The fear of being betrayed caused me to look for another woman preferably a younger one to demonstrate self-worth.

A couple of months ago we went to a family reunion on my wife's side of the family at the wedding was her 21-year-old second cousin. She was a very witty to be around... Lovely scenery! I felt born again... Over the course of the evening various ethnic dishes were passed around including alcohol I promised myself to behave and focus on my wife however the wit of her cousin had me in stitches. Little by little I was being seduced by the rake finding it hard to stay focused.

The wife's cousin had just moved here from another country so they didn't know each other since my wife was born in this country and grew up in this country. Remember they are second cousins and the family is a big family to begin with. The situation started changing when I begin to help her settle in an example would be buying her clothes giving her advice about where to go to school.

Later we met up in Las Vegas and we started having an SA, than after separating from my wife we moved in together. This all started when my wife took down the wedding pictures of the wall, even refused to take family photos at Christmas. All the neighbours, friends, family got Christmas family pictures... I got nothing!!!

Meanwhile she tells me oh but you've got friends I said to her whose friends I got my own friends their last names are o'malley, Richards, Laurenson. I don't need your friends what I need are pictures! Where are the pictures are they in my pocket up my sleeve? maybe I'm asking too much because I think too much of myself.

Then I met the 0W who understands me and says you deserved those pictures I felt validated for once. Furthermore she said if we had kids together I'd take pictures for Christmas and take more pictures all year round. I see the error in my way and I am working towards building this marriage with my current wife. But what do I do about her accomplices whom I have no idea are do I send people I don't know and NC! Expose people who I don't know who their friends family and work. It's only fair that I find out the names of those accomplices right.

Oh yuk.

But actually I was talking about an NC letter for hope to send her and changing contact details.

You've also proved you are a cheat who can get...mistresses. mistresses are not hard to get.

But you were cheating before your wifes confession weren't you?

If you expose the affair, you will find out who supports the marriage and who doesn't. It sounds like you both need polygraphs.

So your RA is with your wifes cousin and started because you suspected another man? Most people hire a PI.

What do you mean he was living with her?

I suspect Yahoo is not serious, summer holliday and nothing better to.

Indie I nursed my wife through three cocaine addictions each time she went in for treatment she had an affair. WS Never took into consideration guilt this how I learned of the affairs. Had I not loved her I would have been divorced long time ago, today she is clean and hasn't abused cocaine in a long time. Even more better is that she's not drinking. Before I married her two elderly ladies from our community invited me over for tea and told me. That we didn't match as a couple,due to the fact that she was that much better looking than me in fact they went on to say that it would only result in future problems. At the time that revelation seemed bizarre now looking back I can see what they meant.

Much easier to talk at night while I'm half asleep it's actually a great disinhibitor. My understanding of what the elderly ladies were referring to was my wife's refusal to show me any affection in public such as refusing to hold my hand, walking behind me or in front of me. People in our ethnic community even notice that and begged me to ask her why she refused to show me any affection in public and her response was that she didn't want look like a Gold-digger.

Through it all I still loved her refusing to cheat on her. What I'm about to say is something very damaging to my sense of self-worth but it's late so it makes it easier. After the first affair we went to MC to strengthen our marriage the counselor advised that she find work.it wasn't long before she obtained a job as a secretary only to abruptly quit after it was discovered her and the boss had an office SA. I suppose liquor had something to do with that affair.

We went back to MC again and this time it was recommended that she go to school. This ended when she had an affair with a classmate.The excuse was that spending too much time with a male would almost guarantee an affair especially if the two spent a total of 300 hours together. Anyway I choose not to dwell on the past, point is that I dearly love my wife.

There is an old saying that for every rat you see there are 50 rats that you don't see and for all those affairs that I did see how many more were there that I didn't see? Even more perplexing is who were her accomplices? Certainly there are people who encourage others to commit acts that they may not do on their own.

Do you think it's in accordance with MB to ask my wife to disclose her accomplices?

Why don't you email Dr. Harley at his radio show?

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