his coworkers on facebook. and her friend, the one I told.

I am still stuck. And my emotions are the hardest part of this to bear with and control. I know that the affair is over. and it has been suggested that I expose them, my husband and my friend. I understand that this is necessary in most situations. But, I am not wanting to be that revealing. I do understand that exposure will force the relationship to stop as more people are aware about it. It seems that many on her side have already known about the affair. Just I was left out and my friends and family. My husband really doesn't have any friends, so telling anyone on his side will not achieve any major strides. It just opens the door for more questions and I am not ready for interrogation. This may sound as a list of excuses. Maybe they are.....

But, my biggest challenge is my emotions! How can I move on from this? How can I clear my mind of all of the negative thoughts in order to make a decision? Their relationship is over. I know it is. And I don't want to expose them because I am afraid of the retaliation that may come when she finds out that I have exposed her to more of her family members. I shouldn't be afraid, but I don't want to deal with it. I may be considered foolish in not wanting to expose them and continuing to believe that they are not continuing with the affair. But, it is true. They have stopped all contact. There have to be other situations like mine where it is possible that the affair has stopped and exposure was not necessary.

What should I do now? Besides exposing them? What is the next step? How can I make a decision whether to leave or stay? I feel that there was an emotional attachment between the two of them. The messages showed that they said I love you to each other. My husband denies that he cared anything about her. But there must have been something because he instigated those feelings and responses in her in some way or another. She feels very strongly against him now because she honestly believed that he was genuine and sincere. She really does HATE him! and that is what agonizes me the most! How could he have instigated this love and then hate in her .... his reason is because I had left him and I had become involved in my friends and going out. I had the intention of leaving him. But at times, we were still intimate. I was not intimate with anyone else. I did talk/text with other men. But there was nothing serious and compared to what I had seen from the text messages with her, I had nothing like that. I did not engage in sexual texts. and I was not regularly seeing anyone. And I didn't say I love you. This tears me apart. He should have been honest and told me. But, of course he wouldn't have been!

If he wasn't being honest then, how can I believe now that he wants to mend the marriage?

There is no other step I'm afraid aside from exposure. Let us know when you are ready and hopefully there will still be time.

You are expecting your feelings to change without any action on your part. It doesn't work like that.

If you act afraid and 'not ready' then you remain so.

How can exposure benefit me and the emotions I deal with? If I tell one person, then what? I am still stuck....

I am willing to take some action. But what is it? I am emotionally wrecked. This affair is exposed. What good will it do to tell someone that can't do anything to help my situation, our situation?

edit... wrong thread

Let us know when you expose the affair so we can move onto next steps. We aren't going to give you more advice if you aren't going to take the advice.

No, exposure is still essential even if the affair has been dead 20 years. If you are not willing to expose you should probably end the marriage. It is very dangerous to hide an affair for your spouse and increases the risk of an affair for you both. I don't see how you expect him to demonstrate remorse and honesty without exposure.

Additionally when (not if) your loved ones find out they will most likely be heartbroken that you dont trust them. The truth always comes out.

As for fearing her retalliation, good heavens girl... She's no one.


If your husband expresses remorse, humility and accepts criticism and rejection it will help a great deal. If he puts effort into regaining people's good will it will change your view of his honesty and commitment dramatically.

If he is furious, unremorseful and protective of her reputation - then it's a problem but one you need to know about. Your decision will then be made to either leave or plan b.


Stop being so scared. Fear always makes dumb decisions.

One? You tell everyone.

If you are not serious just file for a D. Affair recovery is not for the faint hearted.

Sorry to hear. Problem with most of the stories is its on sided ! bless your heart.. those are one sided for a reason - because that's all we see... especially when attachment to the problem is so close.... something to introspect ! Rule of thumb i had followed... and it was hard..very hard ! to focus on myself..and keep on reminding to focus on myself. Things fell in place eventually.... focusing involved lots of praying too.

This post doesn't make any sense.