What is it you do?

Can you conference call or work remotely?

Can you take her with you?

I manage a national client base, which requires me to travel to various company headquarters in the U.S. I have worked more via conference lately but there are some trips that are required.

She has come with me on a few trips but prefers not to leave the kids behind too often. I expressed my desire for her to join me on my upcoming trips and she declined because she wants to devote time to a job search,

Yes, but you want to disrupt her job search as much as possible because that is her ticket to a divorce. Help her find a job later when the separation issue has gone away. Five weeks in the same house, even if you were getting 15 hours UA, doesn't give you much of a chance. Nor does leaving alone for a trip which has been a successful trial run at separation. You need a successful trial run at fun dating instead.

Getting her out of the house, where all her independent habits and stepkid problems are, would be a godsend. You could really prime the love bank pump and get her more interested in dates.

She's not going to go easy because she's not as in love with you, as she is with her kids and prospects, so you'll have to dangle a carrot. What would she be unable to turn down? Arrange to do it on the trip.

Could you offer to support her in training or voluntary work?

Travel jobs are killers on marriages. That, along with little time spent dating her, has drained your marriage.

If you want things to change, then you're going to have to change what you've been doing.

What is it you do there in person that can't be done remotely?

I am a very introverted and independent person too.

My H used to travel for work about 80% of the time. It was great, no need meeting required, I could run the schedule exactly as I wanted to, IB (independent behavior) and a lifestyle that supports it can make an independent person pretty happy. I have been known to say it was the happiest our marriage has been (until MB).

We then went through affairs and realized that our very independent lifestyles were wrecking our marriage. We were happy APART not happy TOGETHER, that is the difference. We were happy with 'the rest of our life' but not with our life as a married couple. Don't confuse the two.

If your wife was happily married, she would not want to separate.

These two statements really hit home. I definitely agree.

Is it possible that someone can be so independent and into themselves that they just are not cut out for marraige?

Only if they choose so.

You need to choose to be home every night. This trip could be the end of your marriage.

Hello everyone, I'm still around...I've been taking time to read through older posts on here, taking time to think. Things have been going well the last week, 3 nights of UA so far...a lot of the kids have been out either with grandparents or ex-spouses, so it's been quiet around here for the first time since school got out.

I came across an answer to a question similar to our dilemma, and I wanted to get thoughts here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008b_qa.html

As I mentioned earlier, our blended family is the biggest cause of stress.

It is hard to help when we dont know the problems. otherthan not spending nights together which is a huge problem.

Here are the issues:

She has two children from a previous marriage, I have 3 from a previous marriage. We have two together. The kids split their time between our home and our ex-spouses.

As mentioned before, our ex-spouses are very controlling and emotionally manipulative. Her ex-hubby did not like me at first and made it known to their children...since then he has moved on but still does not like the idea of me being a father figure and has instructed the children not to call me dad in any shape or form. So right off the bat, they don't see me as a father, barely even a step-father.

On top of that, he doesn't respect my wife's role as mother and will attempt to override any decision she makes with her children. So there is even a level of disrespect the kids have with their mom (my wife).

The same would apply with my children from previous marriage....my ex-wife has caused issues that have led to disrespect, but on a lesser level...she doesn't contradict my role as a father..but she lets it be known that they don't have to follow the same rules over here that they do there or vise versa.

Obviously when all of the kids are together it's a constant parenting struggle of not only dealing with our own bio children's behavior but each others. The kids are also quick to call our ex-spouses to intervene when they get in trouble or are punished for not doing chores and will even request to leave if they get mad enough (of course the ex-spouses fall for it). My wife can't handle it the same as I do and it's understandably a big source of stress for her.

On top of that, each of our two oldest kids (they are in their pre-teen years) still remember our divorces and still have memories of us being with our ex-spouses. So they make comments that they wish we hadn't divorced even though they understand why.

Lastly, it obviously takes a lot of cooking & cleaning to keep up after this many children when they are together. The constant cleaning and getting on the kids for their chores has become normal to me, though stressful. My wife hasn't adjusted to it at all and even with my help, it's very draining for her.

The kids are good overall, but they quickly learned the trick of playing us and ex-spouses against each other. No amount of reasoning has worked for the exes to see through it. Add that with the stress of maintaining the household, it's been a bad snowball effect over the years. So recently my wife has said that maybe it's better to divide and concur in separate homes,

In regards to the travel, I understand the impact it has. But I want to clarify that I don't travel when all of the kids are at the house...not that it makes it better but I want to mention that before someone says "you're leaving her there with all of those kids?".

You should read Parallel Parenting thread and How to Plan B. You need to Plan B both exs.

Here Parallel Parenting

No, the travel situation is not a problem because of the kids, it's a problem because it interrupts bonding. The military even brought in Dr H to help with the disastrous success rate of military marriages. The spouses were up for anything but you can't bond while apart.

That article is a drastic option for spouses who refuse to follow PoJA. For example a teenage son who was actively harming a step dad and there was no discipline they could agree on. I don't see any reason why you and your spouse can't PoJA solutions which are then administered to your respective child.

I can't imagine why the exes are still in the picture! Why on earth are they given any say at all?

Did adultery feature in these former marriages? Adulterers are big on staying in the family home as much as possible. But that should not be permitted by any sane person.

That is parallel parenting. As a divorced person she is free to parent as she pleases and does not have to ok things with you - that's PoJA. Similarly, your first responsibility is to your wife and so you can't try to PoJA with an ex. It is almost impossible to coparent without romantic love and bonding.

Why are the children involving their bio parents when they are with you, and why are you letting this happen? By law do you have to allow them to call their bio parent any time? If not, I would take the phones away. If you have to allow that, I can't imagine that you have to speak to the bio parents or open the door if they come over to "rescue" a child during your time.

I think you and your wife need to bring the curtain down on this act ASAP. I believe once the kids realize these manipulations are ineffective, they'll stop. But certainly not as long as they're getting results!

I would plan B both exes like Apples suggests. There is no reason for them to exist in your world other than to discuss something REAL regarding the kids, and that can be done through an intermediary.

When either one of you allows an EX spouse to over-rule their current spouse's wishes, or be involved in your lives in any way really, even if they dislike what the ex is doing, it is going to be a cancer in your marriage.

I'm sure the messes may frustrate your wife but I have an inkling that frustration is amplified by the real issue - feeling second to bio kids and meddling exes. You cannot afford to indulge that NONSENSE. (in my opinion. :-) )

Because we both have joint custody, that's why.

I should add that my ex and I stick to the custody schedule and don't communicate much outside of that. On the otherhand my wife pretty much goes with whatever her ex says (eventhough she has primary custody).


Yes, her ex-hubby had infidelity issues but I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.

Actually it would be the other way around. I feel out of place all of the time when it comes to her bio kids....I can't discipline them the same way I can my bio children because her ex will be quick to falsely claim abuse. He tries to have way more "control" over what his kids do here then my ex wife does. My bio kids don't call her when they get upset, they know better...eventhough they may complain when they are at her house. I can think of one time I let my kids call and they tried to play us against each other....that stopped right there, I should have clarified that.

A wayward spouse, particularly male, enjoys getting his needs met in two places. When he takes on a mistress, even if he leaves his wife, he sees no reason why he can't go on having his needs met in two places. He demands that your wife continues to meet his needs of family commitment (co-parenting) and admiration (what you think is clearly best, dear).

The betrayed spouse is so poleaxed by the infidelity and depression she is usually too weak to object and takes on a whole lot of misplaced blame. I went through the whole thing with my own ex husband when I discovered his affair.

I got the whole 'this is my house' speech - he planned to keep his winter clothes and bike here. I also got some nonsense about his vetting my future partners. We don't even have kids!

Dr H says it is imperative a betrayed spouse Plan B a wayward spouse because the abuse and control WILL cause severe depression. If I had not plan Bd my ex he would be here right now with his feet on the table.

I am happy and healed with changed numbers etc but on a few occasions he has tried to break my plan b and I would find that upsetting even today.

Is he still conducting the affair relationship under her nose? They don't last long but his very presence will cause depression and actual nervous breakdowns. Infidelity is extremely painful. It is like having contact with your rapist.

Do the children know about his infidelity? Usually they don't go along with these manipulations of their betrayed parent once they know.



You shouldn't discipline her children. Dr H would have some great advice about this and would send you a free book.

He can't claim abuse if the two of you don't have contact with him. Besides, even if the kids said nothing to him ever he would invent something to hassle you both about.



You can parallel parent and plan B with joint custody. You need to set up a visitation schedule and just stick to it. If there are any changes your intermediary can pass that along, no need for direct contact. I have intermediaried for many Plan Bers with kids and it stops the wayward spouses abuse and put the focus back on his parenting. He can no longer run down the other spouse to be top dog. If he wants to be seen as a good parent, he has to actually parent - on his own time.

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I'm enormously concerned that your wife receives abuse from the affair even today. Since he has made most of his abuse about you, he is trying to remove you and she genuinely thinks removal of you would cause less conflict.

He has such power over her she would probably be at risk at his making renewed romantic overtures. Yuk.

Removing you to fix his abuse of you is like removing the only source of water from the inferno.