Hi everyone. I'm making this post as I need some advice from people who aren't related to me or any friends linked to me.

Last year I found out that my wife got involved in an affair with another man during the time that I had to deal with the passing of a parent. I stated shortly after I found out that I would forgive her and wanted to reconcile and work on fixing the marriage. She had initially agreed at that time.

Over the course of the next 9 months we've had a lot of battles in between keeping things together for our 2 kids (both boys aged 5 and 2). I noted during that time that she was still in contact with the other guy. Of course I have suspected that it hasn't ended between them and I found out again about a couple of weeks ago that it clearly hadn't. I didn't confront her on that 2nd occasion as I figured that she had made up her mind and I have assumed that she has chosen him over me (even though she has denied it during our recent arguments and views me as insecure). I do think looking back that I forgave too easily, as I've learned that I still don't trust her.

Here's where I feel like I've messed up though. These last few months she has been feeling emotional about a member of her family about to have another baby (due around now) after they dealt with a stillborn a few years back which had affected my wife. Through work, getting up with the kids every day in the mornings and getting them ready for school, etc..., working evenings (at home as I work in IT) to keep things afloat financially, keeping all the usual things ticking over - rubbish, cleaning up after dinner (which is usually a takeaway), washing clothes, etc... I had switched off a bit with outside events and hadn't registered that the new arrival was imminent (I hadn't registered that my own nephew and his wife announced they were expecting child no. 2 which I later congratulated them on their news a few days later). I had apologised to her for that, but these last couple of days, with everything going on, I couldn't work out what to say to her about anything - comforting her or anything else for that matter. She has said it is proof that we are not working anymore together and that it is over.

It didn't help matters that we had a small argument in the car in front of the kids today - which I know we shouldn't have done and I think that worked her up even more. She has stated later in the evening that I should've said "hey I know you're feeling emotional let me drive us all out to lunch" and I simply sort it out but as we kept looking for places to go for lunch today that I kept changing my mind (although I said lets go to these places and there were counter points against them). In the end she mentioned one place and I said ok let's do that and we went there.

Her arguments to me was that I never take the lead and that if I cared for her I would have been there more for her these last few months. I said that I should be the one she should go to for support throughout all this and she told me she never felt she could. I had been there for her during the awful stillborn time that her family had to go through, as well as when her grandparent passed away some 5 years ago that she was close to. Oh and apparently she told me that I'm a pathetic excuse for a man too. Of course I could state how she has made me feel over the years on this post but I won't. She is a stay at home Mum and I do wonder if that was the right thing for her or not but her working salary if she had gone back would not have covered costs for nursery, etc... So we had both decided not to get her back out there in the workforce until both kids were at school.

I feel like this is such a massive mess that I don't know what to do. I know that if we didn't have kids that I'd be out like a shot after her affair, but I love my kids dearly and the thought of being apart from them and breaking up the family is horrible. During these last 6 months (after the discovery), I have started going out more in evenings and pursuing my interests again (again during evenings) which was placed on halt a few years back to concentrate on the family. I haven't pushed the marriage discussions and resuming the relationship given that she kept the other guy in the loop too since the initial exposure of the affair last year. I could have ended things earlier but I stayed thinking that if I give her space then I could outstay the affair and we could work on it then, plus I wanted to spend time with the kids as much as I could where I could. I have been going to see a counsellor these last few months to deal with all this but I don't know whether any progress is made as I've got nothing to compare it against. Also with the laws here in this country, she would get primary custody of the kids unless I could prove she was an unfit mother (like drug taking) but she isn't and I know that for sure at the moment.

Any advice would be appreciated, even any that is constructively critical toward me.

Hi Stu, welcome to Marriage Builders. I quoted the above paragraph because it is the source of your problems. If you don't address and resolve the affair, you won't have a marriage. Unforunately, the affair has been enabled for such a long time that it will be much harder to save your marriage. The longer an affair is allowed to persist, the more entrenched the affair becomes and the more entrenched the wayward mindset becomes. So even if this affair does end, she will just move to another because her wayward fog lingers.

Your complacent approach to her affair reflects a lack of caring that won't be forgotten when/if her affair does end. I understand it SEEMS easy to sit around and do absolutely nothing, but in the long term it is much harder because you will end up divorced while the OM takes your place.

In short, you are going to start doing some work here if you want to save your marriage. Make up your mind to stop being an ENABLER and start fighting for your marriage.

Please go read the thread in my signature about exposure and come back and lets discuss a plan.

The advice we give here comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.


Her choice is obvious: she has chosen you both.


Forgiveness is completely inappropriate. And of course you wouldn't trust an untrustworthy person.

This is all noise that does not address the problem in your marriage; it is a distraction. Your wife manufactures grievances to keep you off balance so you won't look at the real problem: HER AFFAIR.

If the Titanic is sinking do you right the ship FIRST or do you blog about the dirty tiles in the girls bathroom?

"This is all noise that does not address the problem in your marriage; it is a distraction. Your wife manufactures grievances to keep you off balance so you won't look at the real problem: HER AFFAIR."

Please internalize this and take MelodyLane's advice in terms of implementing a PLAN. All waywards do this. She'll tell you you didn't put the laundry away correctly 10 years ago and that's why she is doing this. Don't believe it. It's just all ridiculous babble that makes no sense.

If you have exposed to all your friends and family how is she keeping him in the loop and attacking you? Don't the supporters of your marriage have anything to say about that?

Have you exposed OM to his circle and effectively run him off?

Counselling and talking to her is a bust. It will actually withdraw love bank units for her as well as being very ineffective. She will exhibit affair behaviour and be impossible to reason with until you end her affair. She is too busy protecting the dual set up until that happens.

Counselling is also designed more for her than you. She can pin blame on you and tell everyone 'I tried' before a respectable divorce - exposure usually puts paid to counselling efforts thank goodness (I'm beginning to suspect you haven't exposed at all!)

She would only want custody if she could also have OM. That's where exposure comes in to your kids. They need to be protected and encouraged to tell you things anyway. Most children abuse, neglect or plain old nastiness is perpetrated by mum's boyfriend.

After such a long affair, which has been permitted by you, I wouldn't be very surprised if she hadn't already introduced them.

Nice guys don't shop in the married women's dept. Exposure is appropriate for children over the age of four. Younger if unusually bright.

Exposure to who? Do you mean you? Your opinion doesn't matter to them at all!

X2. What message will it send if her affair does die a natural death (it won't, you are propping it up) that you were not willing to do anything?

Hi. Thanks for the feedback so far.

I suppose the exposure has only been to her and members of my family. I hadn't exposed it to her family as I had thought things could be salvaged (in hindsight that was a mistake). My family are aware of it and have been supportive, stating that I know whether it will work out or not (although they lately feel that it won't given her lack of regard to me). When I first found out, I had packed a bag and was about to walk out the door due to the anger I felt but stopped when I started thinking about my kids (they weren't around at the time I packed so from their perspective nothing had changed). I also know she introduced them to him too as the oldest one has talked to me about him (of course - unsurprisingly - he was apparently on good behaviour).

I'll read up on the exposure 101 today. I posted late last night and have gone through these posts this morning. The counselling was for me to be able to talk to someone to process the affair and to also deal with the death of a parent.

Well, your too soft approach may have killed your marriage.
You should do one heck of an exposure to her side of the family and to any decent person who might have an influence on the other man.

Read through the chechlist that was posted to you and fill the wholes in your plan.
Oh, she and the OM do not need to be exposed to, they already know they are having an affair.

I suspect your wife sees you as a neglectful husband who puts everything ahead of her. You speak of reconciliation for the sake of the kids, but what about you? Don't you care? You don't act like it. Men who care fight for their wives. They recognize infidelity for the cancer that it is. They don't hand out free forgiveness and then try to continue as if nothing has happened.

Your wife doesn't think you care, and your actions prove to her that you don't. You need to offer your wife a marriage that is something she would want. The information on how to do that is on this website. Is it worth it to you to try?

Dr Harley recommends anti depressants to husbands who are Plan Aing - levels out the emotions. but the most important thing you can do for yourself is to know you are following a highly effective plan.

Exposure should have a tsunami effect on her - she should everyone contacting her (and him) all at once in 24 hours. So you will want to do it all at once, not trickle out your exposures.

When you told your family did they contact her and urge her to end her affair? You may wish to have them do this on exposure day, when you expose OM, sit the children down and expose to her family.

Who is this dirtbag and is he married?



Your five year old will have seen tension, stress and odd behaviour between the affairees at the very least. She will have been behaving as though it is very important he gets on well with a strange man. He finds this enormously confusing but when he comes to his parents with it he isn't getting answers.

As for good behaviour - a child will not say anything negative about an adult whom he has been told to be on be on best behaviour for. As far as your son is concerned this man is important and entrusted by his parents.

Hi. Th OM was a local bar manager who recently turned chef. He has a long term GF but no kids.

For the first few months I had been trying to meet her needs better rather than going gun-ho. That clearly didn't work and the recent findings have made me feel more disheartened about things (not to mention really annoyed with her and myself). Over the years of our marriage I had been focussing on her and the family, placing them ahead of my needs and wants. When she felt ill, I would work from home so that I could take care of the kids whilst she recovered (I don't want people to think though that it's a chore because it definitely isn't - it's a responsibility as well as an awesome privilege And a great thing to do - that's my view). I took on the extra stuff in evenings after I finish work to help her out as I knew she has full on days looking after the kids (easing pressure on her). I wouldn't have any issues with her going out and spending time with friends, even if it meant that I didn't do that myself for a while. This stuff I never questioned as I wanted to do it for her and the family.

We have been married for nearly 6 years (together for nearly 9 years). I will go through the site and work out next steps. Looking back it's very much a case of lessons learned. I did suggest on a number of occasions that we should go to marriage counselling to get help for both of us. I know there are things I could do differently and there are things she could do differently too. She has to date knocked back that suggestion.

Stu, I wonder if you read my posts? The next step would be exposure. The instructions can be found in the link in my signature. Did you read it?

Marriage counseling is a disaster when there is an affair so I hope you don't pursue it. It will make it much harder to save your marriage.

Listen to everyone on this thread. Expose to everyone possible with wreckless abandon. This includes OM family and friends and facebook contacts. Do it now and with confidence. Trust me, I was reluctant as well and waited longer than I should have to expose, and it delayed the entire process. Your wife will definitely not come back until after this affair is dead and buried, and she'll respect you more for standing up for yourself and her and killing it.

Get a GPS device and monitor WW without her knowing. Tell her you need access to her phone and phone records and social media. Ask questions, be difficult, require that she disclose everything she does and everywhere she goes. Do everything you can do to end this affair. She will kick and scream and ask for space. Let her complain, but don't let up. Don't take no for an answer. They will not end the affair unless it becomes too difficult to maintain, and you will need to be persistent and keep the heat on both of them to create that type of environment.

It's difficult, exhausting work, but you have to do it if you want even a hope of saving your marriage. Remember, this is tantamount to war against your family, and you must treat it as such.

If OM is married, get in touch with his spouse ASAP, and provide undeniable evidence that this is going on. Everything got easier once I had OMW as an ally.