Here is my original post
original

the basics
-Wife admitted to affair 2/2013 was pregnant, wanted to be with me
-Lied during recovery
-OM moved out of country eventually, definitely no physical contact now

Updates
-Child is not mine, I am willing to raise child
-She has several times gone to his FB page, she is now banned from Fb
-Started going to his other kids instagram pages, not going to bother banning her from IG, if she wants to, she will find some way of seeing pics of him. Promises not to do any of that again
-We are both trying to keep it together, she wants to stay together

Where I am at
-I do love her.
-No matter how hard she tries, I can't get over her having sex with another person. While I forgive her, I don't trust her (made harder by her weak boundaries on social media
-I read a letter she wrote to a female friend stating that she told me after he didn't want the baby. Basically I was the best of what was left. I know that during the affair, whatever it takes to end it is good, but that is a bitter pill to swallow.
- I still don't believe her when it comes to many things, thinking about getting a poly, but in the end I don't think it would make a difference.
-The problem is that i cannot get over her being with someone else. While forgivable for me I think it might be insurmountable.
-We have 3 kids, how can I consider Divorce? We don't argue much, I am just depressed and I think maybe my pride is pushing me to end it. I told her if she lies I am done...still here. I told her she contacts him I'm done...still here. Maybe she sees me a patsy without teeth.
-

She needs to be off all social media.

What have you completed from the Surviving An Affair checklist?

Klove, the reason this is insurmountable is because your marriage has never recovered. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? Where are you in your recovery plan? How much undivided attention time d you spend with each other every week?

If you don't follow this program and create a romantic marriage that is better than what you have before, then you end up with a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. That is what you have now. And as you can see, your resentment is growing and will continue to grow.

Killing the affair is only the first step and it doesn't sound like you ever got beyond that point.

Requirements for Recovery

If she refuses to establish no contact then you havent even made it past the first step

Closing social media is a BASIC EP for a wayward trying to recover their marriage.
Why in the world would you be OK with access to IG when she is using it to break NC?

IG is so non-essential that I can hardly begin to understand why one would take risks with their marriage over something so silly. Really?

Your WW is basically still breaking NC years after the A. There is no recovery here.

You are going to have to decide whether you want to implement MB in its entirety and work on a REAL recovery. This forum doesn't really allow for cherry picking and then blogging about how miserably recovery is going.

We are here to help if you are going to follow the plan. Are you?

Changing a phone number or sending a NC letter, closing social media...these items are all pretty easy in terms of the time/effort that is needed in recovering your M.

I can already tell when a poster is dragging their feet on something so simple that other issues such as UA time, POJA, and eliminating lovebusters,etc won't ever be accomplished.

Does that hold true in this case? Are you two spending 15-20 hrs UA together weekly going out on dates, meeting each other's ENs and making it the best time of your week?

Will try to address all questions.
-all social media was closed for about a year and then I relaxed that rule. She would go to his page every few months (situation complicated by the fact he is the father. Doesn't make it right) she is now banned from facebook again. As for the instagram she went his his adult kids pages (he isn't on IG that I can tell). My comment about not banning her from that is due to 1. me not caring anymore 2. It doesn't matter what precautions are put in place, if she wants, she will find a way; even if it is writing him a letter and taking it to post office.
-Followed MB steps, try for UA. I am the one trying to take her out and get her to spend 1 on 1 time. it is complicated by
1. Infant child and 2 other children
2. I don't think she really wants to be with me. OM doesn't want the baby, she doesn't want to be alone. I think she is satisfied with the status quo and not making any real efforts. There were times when she did and I was emotionally unavailable at that moment due to depression. No AO or LB, just not caring at that moment.




Don't. I have given you a very brief snippet of the last 2 and a half years. Assuming what I have or have not done based on the limited info I provided is disrespectful. It is more than fair to ASK me what I have or have not done, but do not assume I have been dragging my feet or cherry picking anything.

But not caring about your wife's poor boundaries is foot dragging. Understandable foot dragging but not productive.

If you want marriage recovery, you have to care about the marriage. If you don't, divorce her and have done.

We understand the pain of infidelity and how it can cause a lack of caring almost bordering depression. But you have to do it all if you want recovery. Only you can decide if you care enough for the long haul.

I suspect you haven't understood the compulsive and addictive aspects of affairs in your recovery rules. Your wife's affair is an addiction and if she has access to OM or social media her willpower will crumble and it is only a matter of time before she gives in. I'm impressed she can hold out for a month, actually. It doesn't even matter that she probably doesn't want to. It is like an alcoholic working in a bar. The affair is only a mouse click away. EPs which excludes the internet are required.

Given that, do you care enough to implement EPs?

People do very happily recover when the affair is taken out of reach. If the wayward spouse is happy to be transaparent and for the affair to be taken out of reach they want their marriage more than the addiction. But it is the right of every betrayed spouse to walk away.

If you expect her to use willpower you will be disappointed.



Looking him up online can be done instantly and can get an instant response, news or triggers. She can get her itch scratched without much risk all within five minutes and switch her attention back to you within ten. If she were to write a letter, it would be deeply unsatisfying and delayed. She wouldn't get that hit of dopamine for days. Probably never, as you would be likely to intercept the response. It would also be a 'decision' to choose him, which is not the point of an affair. The point of an affair is to have the relationship on one side, secretly.

You cannot not spend time with your wife and expect your marriage to survive.
I have 5 children, a 2-hour commute and a full working week and stil find time for UA with my husband.

If she were in love with you, her longing for the OM would subside. I can assure you that this has nothing to do with him being the sperm donor for a pregnancy. You should protect your wife's love bank better.

You have given us the necessary information to conclude that you aren't working the program. It isn't disrespectful to point out that you are cherry picking. Half measures will avail you nothing in this program.

All you need to do is follow the program. Take the initiative and lead your marriage out of the ditch.