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Marriage Builders Forums General Discussion Marriage Builders 101 Wife wants to live separately but stay married

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Re: Wife wants to live separately but stay married indiegirl #2862221 07/28/15 04:00 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK I indiegirl Member
indiegirl Member I Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK	I've just realized if you were to read up on plan b on this website it would mainly be articles for a still-married betrayed spouse who desires reconciliation. Really for your wife it's 'plan no contact' but it would look and feel the same as plan b, which is just a method of blocking abuse for healing, mental health and personal happiness. Last edited by indiegirl; 07/28/15 04:01 AM. What would you do if you were not afraid? "Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Re: Wife wants to live separately but stay married indiegirl #2862240 07/28/15 08:21 AM
Joined: Jul 2015 Posts: 28 H HappyAndConfused Member
HappyAndConfused Member H Joined: Jul 2015 Posts: 28	Thanks. I'll have to sit down and fully write out everything and send in for advice. Originally Posted by indiegirl I'm enormously concerned that your wife receives abuse from the affair even today. Since he has made most of his abuse about you, he is trying to remove you and she genuinely thinks removal of you would cause less conflict. This is true. I mentioned to her that he has been trying to cause division since day one and I feel like he "wins" in this scenario. Quote He has such power over her she would probably be at risk at his making renewed romantic overtures. Yuk. Yuk indeed. He's remarried (not that it makes a difference with a serial cheater) but I'm less concerned about that and more concerned that once he realizes she's moved out..his emotional abuse will worsen if he thinks I'm not around to "protect" her. In regards to plan b/no contact, I don't think she ever will with him. She's afraid of him...and her rationale is that she doesn't want to keep him from his children. That's why she allows them to come and go as they wish, call him as they wish. I've pleaded over the years for her to be firm and even have all contact through me if needed..to no avail.

Re: Wife wants to live separately but stay married HappyAndConfused #2862243 07/28/15 08:38 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK I indiegirl Member
indiegirl Member I Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK	Could you ask her to come here for help dealing with her fear of him? In real life she's unlikely to come across people who've gone through it. Not because it's uncommon but because victims remain silent. Speaking of which did she ever expose him and the OW? Dr H recommends it as a BWs first action and the strength it gives you is amazing. He has no real power over her except abuse. A few weeks without abuse and she would perk up enormously. If she doesnt go for it initially try to take her away somewhere without cell reception for three weeks or so. She'll be amazed at the difference in her mood. She's like a frog in slowly heated water. She hasn't noticed she's being boiled alive. What would you do if you were not afraid? "Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Re: Wife wants to live separately but stay married HappyAndConfused #2862244 07/28/15 08:41 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK I indiegirl Member
indiegirl Member I Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK	Originally Posted by HappyAndConfused . He's remarried To the OW? Affairs are based on complaints about the marriage and an OW only feels special when in competition with the true wife. Conflict with your wife is a way of keeping the drama and competition of the affair going. If she were to step away they would likely turn on each other and he could divorce her. A great way of ridding what is likely an untrustworthy step parent. What would you do if you were not afraid? "Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Re: Wife wants to live separately but stay married HappyAndConfused #2862245 07/28/15 08:44 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK I indiegirl Member
indiegirl Member I Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK	Originally Posted by HappyAndConfused even have all contact through me if needed..to no avail. That would be a poor idea because you love her and he can find a way to rile you. You need a neutral dispassionate friend who can ignore and spam filter the abuse and only pass on genuine messages. What would you do if you were not afraid? "Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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