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I think I'm seeing where our problem is. THIS does not work for us. I have phrased things like this, even a couple times this past week. Remark's response is to argue that my complaint is somehow wrong. The two things I asked him to talk to Steve about last week was his priority of remodeling the condo and his propensity to argue my complaints. I know they were discussed, I don't know what Steve's response was. I know Remark is still doing it. This is a problem a lot of women on this site face - maybe even most. They complain and their husband simply doesn't change. He either doesn't understand or isn't willing to do what she needs him to do. When this is the case, the correct next step to take is to unilaterally separate, not to be disrespectful to try to make him change. The program works when followed.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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My wife was in stage 3 as described in that article. What saved us was she learned to stop being disrespectful.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I feel like the woman who cried rape and everyone told her it's because she wore red lipstick and a short skirt, and the rapist walked away without so much as a scratch.
In spite of the things I listed regarding his behavior, Remark's thread is eerily quiet. No one has even bothered to verify with him if the claims are true. And he's the one that says he WANTS to save the M and says he IS DOING everything he possibly can.
Regardless of my behavior now, Remark's behavior is what got us here. I could correct my behavior 100% and we'd still be D'd because Remark's behavior is unchanged. Given that, I just don't understand your goal when all the focus is on MY behavior.
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I don't understand why you keep posting when you said you were getting divorced. It makes me wonder if that was a tactic, rather than your true intentions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't understand why you keep posting when you said you were getting divorced. It makes me wonder if that was a tactic, rather than your true intentions. Because Remark says he wants to save the M, and in order for that to happen, his behavior needs to change. I've said for quite some time that if I saw any hope (ie. change in his behavior,) I would put a stop to the D and work to reconcile. I don't see that this conflicts with Dr. Harley's advice on separation and D, so I don't see the confusion.
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I feel like the woman who cried rape and everyone told her it's because she wore red lipstick and a short skirt, and the rapist walked away without so much as a scratch.
In spite of the things I listed regarding his behavior, Remark's thread is eerily quiet. No one has even bothered to verify with him if the claims are true. And he's the one that says he WANTS to save the M and says he IS DOING everything he possibly can.
Regardless of my behavior now, Remark's behavior is what got us here. I could correct my behavior 100% and we'd still be D'd because Remark's behavior is unchanged. Given that, I just don't understand your goal when all the focus is on MY behavior. Why would anyone post to you about Remark's behaviour when you have no say or control in someone else's behaviour. Its not encouraging that you think your behaviour is affected and hinges on Remark's behaviour. You alone decide what your behaviour is going to be.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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And your behavior does impact the marital dynamic. Your statement of blame was a weak argument.
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You are going to need to learn to identify...Look again, and try harder. The disrespect is there, and you need to practice finding it if your marriage has any hope.
Don't expect this forum to put any more effort into your marriage than you do.
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I feel like the woman who cried rape and everyone told her it's because she wore red lipstick and a short skirt, and the rapist walked away without so much as a scratch.
In spite of the things I listed regarding his behavior, Remark's thread is eerily quiet. No one has even bothered to verify with him if the claims are true. And he's the one that says he WANTS to save the M and says he IS DOING everything he possibly can.
Regardless of my behavior now, Remark's behavior is what got us here. I could correct my behavior 100% and we'd still be D'd because Remark's behavior is unchanged. Given that, I just don't understand your goal when all the focus is on MY behavior. Why would anyone post to you about Remark's behaviour when you have no say or control in someone else's behaviour. Its not encouraging that you think your behaviour is affected and hinges on Remark's behaviour. You alone decide what your behaviour is going to be. i don't want anyone to post to me about his behavior. He has his own thread where people can post to him about his behavior. There was a time when posters were telling me that my input/perspective was needed in regards to helping Remark, even instructing me to post weekly LB's. Now it's no longer needed? The only behavior I'm claiming is directly affected by Remarks is whether or not I finalize the D (filing already happening.).
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And don't expect your husband to do what you are unwilling to do. Assigning the main blame on him does not afford you the right to excuse your own destructive behavior.
(Ref to your statement: "Regardless of my behavior now, Remark's behavior is what got us here. I could correct my behavior 100% and we'd still be D'd because Remark's behavior is unchanged.")
Last edited by DidntQuit; 07/28/15 08:11 AM. Reason: add reference
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And your behavior does impact the marital dynamic. Your statement of blame was a weak argument. of course it does, but changing my behavior does not make a change in his behavior. Feel free to confirm with him, but we've BTDT, multiple times, to the point where he said I was "aces." During that time, his behavior didn't change. Like I said, I could be 100% but we'd still D if his behavior didn't change. It hasn't/isn't.
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You are going to need to learn to identify...Look again, and try harder. The disrespect is there, and you need to practice finding it if your marriage has any hope.
Don't expect this forum to put any more effort into your marriage than you do. Still not helpful. Still pointing at the red lipstick and short skirt. I can see however that I'm expecting the forum to put more work into Remark than he's putting into it, and that's not fair of me so I think I need to drop that expectation.
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And don't expect your husband to do what you are unwilling to do. Assigning the main blame on him does not afford you the right to excuse your own destructive behavior.
(Ref to your statement: "Regardless of my behavior now, Remark's behavior is what got us here. I could correct my behavior 100% and we'd still be D'd because Remark's behavior is unchanged.") I'm not unwilling, I'm just waiting for him to prove that he's capable. I've already proven to him that I'm capable. For example, I DO edit my texts to him. Willard Harley saw an example text exchange, told Remark it was annoying, told Remark to edit his texts in the future. He isn't. I AM, he IS NOT.
Last edited by JustDaytoDay; 07/28/15 08:30 AM.
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Coming along. I've been advised not to discuss it here. But since this is a "marriage" site, that only seems appropriate and marriage advice/perspective/feedback is what I'm looking for anyway. I would put a stop to the 'D' immediately if I saw any hope for the M. Why are you even posting? You can't force him to change and you were unwilling to do the online program. You set constant limits. That is your right. But you can't have it both ways. And you ARE still love busting in almost every post.
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If you are dissolving the marriage, as you told us recently, we should give you advice along those lines. That would be appropriate.
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Did you listen to the radio show yesterday? There is still time.
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And don't expect your husband to do what you are unwilling to do. Assigning the main blame on him does not afford you the right to excuse your own destructive behavior.
(Ref to your statement: "Regardless of my behavior now, Remark's behavior is what got us here. I could correct my behavior 100% and we'd still be D'd because Remark's behavior is unchanged.") I'm not unwilling, I'm just waiting for him to prove that he's capable. I've already proven to him that I'm capable. For example, I DO edit my texts to him. Willard Harley saw an example text exchange, told Remark it was annoying, told Remark to edit his texts in the future. He isn't. I AM, he IS NOT. JD2D what is you want from posters? It isn't possible for us to nag or cajole R or change his behaviour. It isn't possible for your behaviour to change his behaviour. That being the case there should be no reason for you to use love busters (and it sounds like you agree) and your plan to divorce unless you see enthusiasm and action sounds like a good one.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Coming along. I've been advised not to discuss it here. But since this is a "marriage" site, that only seems appropriate and marriage advice/perspective/feedback is what I'm looking for anyway. I would put a stop to the 'D' immediately if I saw any hope for the M. Why are you even posting? You can't force him to change and you were unwilling to do the online program. You set constant limits. That is your right. But you can't have it both ways. And you ARE still love busting in almost every post. - Remark says he wants to save the marriage. - Remark says he's clueless on what to do - Remark is on the forum - MY teaching him is an LB - I've been told my input/perspective is needed - I've talked to Willard and Steve both, multiple times - I'm not perfect with the program, but I have documented accomplishments, which I'm pretty pleased with considering I started off in withdrawal and Remark hasn't budged. Tell me my input/perspective is not needed to assist with Remark and I won't post again.
Last edited by JustDaytoDay; 07/28/15 09:43 AM.
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I feel like the woman who cried rape and everyone told her it's because she wore red lipstick and a short skirt, and the rapist walked away without so much as a scratch. If you said this to a girlfriend with no intention of recovery it's just fine. However here it has nothing to do with recovery. It is a hurtful dig at remark and sounds like a desire for punishment. It's not encouraging or approachable. If it were said about me I'd have very serious concerns about the possibility of lovebusters and atmosphere of punishment ending.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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- MY teaching him is an LB So is trying to teach him through other posters.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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