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So you are not in Plan B.
To get there, you need to write the letter, cut off all avenues of contact, and get an IM. i missed the formality of it. I'll get on it ASAP.
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I will follow the program when he demonstrates that he has the ability to change. I believe at this stage of separation/divorce, my position is in-line with the Harley program, just like if he were having an affair or abusing drugs or looking at pornography. I've done plan A, very successfully. Now I'm proceeding with plan B. Getting out of plan B isn't contingent upon him SAYING he'll stop those behaviors but rather actually doing it.
If you're working to help Remark and need something from me, have him send me an email. I'm officially in plan B. You can't plan A while lovebusting so I don't get where the 'very successfully' comes from. I divorced because of adultery, and I absolutely support a decision to exit a marriage which is lacking in care. Do it if you want it. I just don't support your lovebusting. I certainly did not lovebust on my way out in either plan A or plan B and there was an affair with my best friend being rubbed in my face. Getting out of plan B isn't contingent upon him SAYING he'll stop those behaviors but rather actually doing it. Do what though? Ask you out? How on earth do you have a fun romantic date with someone you just compared to a rapist? I have no idea how you do that. It's fine to expect proactive care, but I don't see how you can while actively sabotaging all hope. I honestly can't tell if you are trying to drive him towards divorce or are just being unwise out of frustration.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/28/15 11:51 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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JDtD, you are just as abusive as your husband. at this point, I'll accept that, maybe even agree. I've proven I can change, he has not, so what difference does it make? I've begun the D process, so I don't need to work on the marriage. I can't do it alone and HE IS NOT CHANGING. All you're telling me is that NOW I'm as bad as he is. Okay.
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JDtD, you are just as abusive as your husband. at this point, I'll accept that, maybe even agree. I've proven I can change, he has not, so what difference does it make? I've begun the D process, so I don't need to work on the marriage. I can't do it alone and HE IS NOT CHANGING. All you're telling me is that NOW I'm as bad as he is. Okay. It's not even about Remark when you get right down to it. Saying you're only willing to avoid abusiveness if it works, or if he stops first is crazy. Do it for yourself. Don't be abusive because you don't want to be. You can divorce remark but you can't divorce yourself. Do you really want to be stuck with someone who can only avoid pot shots under certain conditions? You need to exclude them from your life in good times and bad.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I will follow the program when he demonstrates that he has the ability to change. I believe at this stage of separation/divorce, my position is in-line with the Harley program, just like if he were having an affair or abusing drugs or looking at pornography. I've done plan A, very successfully. Now I'm proceeding with plan B. Getting out of plan B isn't contingent upon him SAYING he'll stop those behaviors but rather actually doing it.
If you're working to help Remark and need something from me, have him send me an email. I'm officially in plan B. You can't plan A while lovebusting so I don't get where the 'very successfully' comes from. I divorced because of adultery, and I absolutely support a decision to exit a marriage which is lacking in care. Do it if you want it. I just don't support your lovebusting. I certainly did not lovebust on my way out in either plan A or plan B and there was an affair with my best friend being rubbed in my face. Getting out of plan B isn't contingent upon him SAYING he'll stop those behaviors but rather actually doing it. Do what though? Ask you out? How on earth do you have a fun romantic date with someone you just compared to a rapist? I have no idea how you do that. It's fine to expect proactive care, but I don't see how you can while actively sabotaging all hope. I honestly can't tell if you are trying to drive him towards divorce or are just being unwise out of frustration. I'm not in plan A. When I was, I didn't love bust. I admire your abilities. I would hope to aspire to that level but I wouldn't bet on it. Wanting him to edit his texts doesn't seem extraordinary. Seems far simpler than planning a romantic date. Seems like it should be doable, for someone that wanted to show care.
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JDtD, you are just as abusive as your husband. at this point, I'll accept that, maybe even agree. I've proven I can change, he has not, so what difference does it make? I've begun the D process, so I don't need to work on the marriage. I can't do it alone and HE IS NOT CHANGING. All you're telling me is that NOW I'm as bad as he is. Okay. It's not even about Remark when you get right down to it. Saying you're only willing to avoid abusiveness if it works, or if he stops first is crazy. Do it for yourself. Don't be abusive because you don't want to be. You can divorce remark but you can't divorce yourself. Do you really want to be stuck with someone who can only avoid pot shots under certain conditions? You need to exclude them from your life in good times and bad. Of course. I won't ever stop working on myself. No one is perfect, even you in spite of all your success. My marriage isn't the only aspect of my life that I can improve on. Check with me on my deathbed and I'll still be saying the same thing.
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JDtD, you are just as abusive as your husband. at this point, I'll accept that, maybe even agree. I've proven I can change, he has not, so what difference does it make? I've begun the D process, so I don't need to work on the marriage. I can't do it alone and HE IS NOT CHANGING. All you're telling me is that NOW I'm as bad as he is. Okay. "I've proven I can stop abusing my wife, but she hasn't changed, so I'm going to keep being abusive toward her." Do you not see any problem with that idea?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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JDtD, you are just as abusive as your husband. at this point, I'll accept that, maybe even agree. I've proven I can change, he has not, so what difference does it make? I've begun the D process, so I don't need to work on the marriage. I can't do it alone and HE IS NOT CHANGING. All you're telling me is that NOW I'm as bad as he is. Okay. It's not even about Remark when you get right down to it. Saying you're only willing to avoid abusiveness if it works, or if he stops first is crazy. Do it for yourself. Don't be abusive because you don't want to be. You can divorce remark but you can't divorce yourself. Do you really want to be stuck with someone who can only avoid pot shots under certain conditions? You need to exclude them from your life in good times and bad. Of course. I won't ever stop working on myself. No one is perfect, even you in spite of all your success. My marriage isn't the only aspect of my life that I can improve on. Check with me on my deathbed and I'll still be saying the same thing. "Working on it" is actually code for "doing nothing." I know, because I used the exact same phrase when I was an abusive husband. It is true that noone is perfect, but it is also true that people can succeed at not being abusive any more. In fact you claim you can do it and simply choose not to. Have you quit beating your wife yet?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Correction, I do have IM if texting counts, which I believe it would. So only the letter to do. I'll put it together after my final tomorrow night.
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Abuse really is abuse. I'm amazed that you treat it so trivially. Noone is perfect, so I guess I'll go on abusing my husband. He's less capable than me, so I'll abuse him. I might even have an affair as well.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Correction, I do have IM if texting counts, which I believe it would. Huh? I don't think you know what IM stands for, and I don't think you know what Plan B is.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Correction, I do have IM if texting counts, which I believe it would. So only the letter to do. I'll put it together after my final tomorrow night. Texting doesn't count.
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I'm not in plan A. When I was, I didn't love bust. I admire your abilities. I would hope to aspire to that level but I wouldn't bet on it.
Wanting him to edit his texts doesn't seem extraordinary. Seems far simpler than planning a romantic date. Seems like it should be doable, for someone that wanted to show care. I'm not in Plan A, so I'll abuse my husband. My abilities aren't as good as hers, so I'll abuse my husband. My husband didn't edit his texts, and that seems really easy, so I'll abuse my husband.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What Plan B letter will you use?
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Correction, I do have IM if texting counts, which I believe it would. So only the letter to do. I'll put it together after my final tomorrow night. Texting doesn't count. Because IM is not "instant messaging."
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I believe my response is Plan B. Your post is disrespectful.
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No contact = no email = alternate mode of communication for son = IM = instant messaging.... Made sense to me.
Are you going to tell me what it is?
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And see, I find that disrespectful, too. You could have just told me what it is rather than point out my mistake without offering assistance. Do you reserve your respectful interactions to your wife because it doesn't matter if you're disrespectful to others? Or is it only YOUR definition if disrespect that you consider?
Last edited by JustDaytoDay; 07/28/15 12:55 PM.
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How long are you going to choose to keep abusing your husband?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And see, I find that disrespectful, too. You could have just told me what it is rather than point out my mistake without offering assistance. Do you reserve your respectful interactions to your wife because it doesn't matter if you're disrespectful to others? Or is it only YOUR definition if disrespect that you consider? Nice try at changing the subject. Why do you feel that abuse is an acceptable way to behave?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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