You are the one telling us why it is acceptable to be abusive. That's your position. You've listed at least ten reasons today why you chose to abuse your husband.

I am not really feeling heard though. So I feel as if my help has been rejected. Can you please summarize your understanding of the posters' recent messages to you?

What I am hearing you say is that you have no motivation or willingness to take care of your side of things or to even engage in an educational process to learn how.

Remark is working with Steve weekly. Why would I hound someone who is meeting regularly with Steve? Why would we override Steve Harley? And after seeing the judgmental and scathing way you critique his thread and the help we do give him, I am concerned that calling him out will only reinforce your judgmental and punishing view of how to solve this problem.

Do you understand that your judgment and criticism of him plays a role in his passive agressive and reluctant attitude toward you?

If my husband pointed the finger at me, was threatening or working with an attorney, refused to accept and work on his side of things, and told the posters that they better get upset with me when I let up...I think I would feel hopeless and limit my posts. It would take monumental effort to push through my humiliation, not blow a gasket, and keep meeting with Steve Harley. Your husband is on board but his motivation is fluctuating based on your signals. He is putting effort. But you are critical. It's important that he show you some changes. And your job is to treat him and talk about him with respect and care to show him the prize and help him stay motivated.

Day-
Many days, I had to remind myself that remember I CHOSE the difficult road to work on my marriage with an unmotivated and incredibly disrespectful partner. I suffered through criticisms and scathing verbal statements that I was not what he wanted. His criticisms were multiplied by his mood disorder but unnessary and disrespectful regardless. While my husband has slowly learned about his disrespectful habits, I DECIDED to work on mine. and I am STILL doing that 5 years later. And I have learned how to protect myself from his disrespect and critism in nonabusive ways. What has kept me trying is doing the online program, listening to the radio show, and seeing SLOW improvements from the online program coaches' third party help. They helped me see how my husband WAS trying because he did care, and gave me the picture I was missing. They patiently worked with my husband to help him learn. (He has less time because of his job. So I had to take that into consideration.)

You don't have to choose the difficult road that I did. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. And I'm not saying that I am a saint for doing it. I did it because I chose to, and I had to follow the program!!!

You need to look at yourself in order to see the fair picture. And if you are still considering recovery, then you do need to show Remark a consistent picture of the basket where ALL OF HIS EGGS are going to be. Otherwise, disengage (Plan B) until you are ready to do that. (I don't think that you want a divorce. There is SOME need that he meets or some reason it's undesirable for you or you wouldn't be here.)

Complaints can open the door to problem solving,
but finger pointers and Renters wreck their marriages.

No contact means No contact whatsoever. Instant Messaging and texting are all a form of contact.

You will need to cut off all forms of contact. You will need to change your email, change your phone number, etc. No more texting whatsoever.

You will also need to set up a visitation schedule for your son, and make arrangements for him to be either dropped off or picked up in a way that you do not see or talk to Remark.

An IM is an Intermediary -- the person who will pass on information about your son to Remark, and vice versa.

Are you telling me that it's okay for you to be disrespectful to me because you don't like the way I'm treating Remark? That seems very contrary to your previous message.

Marcos, I'm asking you to stop being disrespectful to me. You claim to be capable. Perhaps I need some demonstration of how that goes by people who know how to do it (too much time around people who aren't.)

You think being abusive is okay sometimes, right?

Why offer assistance to the person who is snapping at every hand that tries to help her? You ***** about Remark, and you ***** about the way people post to him, and you ***** at every single person who posts to you with anything less than praise.

Stop the scathing digs, and people might be more willing to offer help.

. Just curious, what was your motivation?

Pointing out that you are abusing your husband is not disrespectful.

I will not stop pointing out that you are abusing your husband. Apparently you think it is okay for husbands and wives to abuse one another, at least in some circumstances. I see this is a serious problem, and I will continue to bring it up.

What is wrong with me pointing out that you believe this? This is what you have been telling us all day - the reasons why you believe it is okay for you to abuse Remark.

You've got good reasons to abuse Remark, so I would think you'd be proud to have us all notice that you are abusing him and for us to keep talking about it.

I didn't have enough positive examples, so I'll abuse my husband.

See how that works? Nearly everything you posted today is about why you don't think it is a problem that you are abusing your husband.

What Plan B Letter are you going to use?
Who are you going to get as IM?
When are you going to change all your contact info?

This is true.

Marcos is trying lots of methods to help you get perspective. Disrespect is not ideal but nothing else has worked. Sound familiar? And Marcos is not in a relationship of extraordinary care with you even though he has don't care towards you by being here in posting on yours and your husbands threads.

One of the cool things about this forum is that you can see how "skilled argue-ers and disrespect-ors can actually learn to protect their spouses from abuse by using MB tool and rules. Most of the VETS in MB101 are skilled and reformed debaters, disrespectful educators and emotional outbursters! Lol!

A reformed, recovered Day would be such a great addition to the MB family of volunteers!!

Then why is it disrespectful if I point out that Remark is not editing his texts, or claiming again that he didn't have an affair, or any other stated fact?

I hate to get psychobabbly, but let's talk about deflection, because it's what you are doing.

Every time we try to talk about your bad behavior, you deflect and bring up somebody else's behavior. Mine, Remark's, or whoever.

You claim to be working on yourself, but you don't want to talk about your own bad behavior at all. You are abusing your husband, but you don't want to deal with that fact.

When can we deal with the fact that you are abusing your husband? There are reasons for this behavior, but there are no excuses whatsoever.

You've been told how to complain about those things.
Complaints and criticism are two different things. You don't complain -- you bludgeon.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I don't think you've taken that step, yet. There's no point in us wasting time trying to teach you how you are being abusive, because right now you think it's perfectly fine to be abusive.

And we are more than willing to help you find the fine line between these two, as we have not only done ourselves but have helped countless others on this board.

But, then again, you have to want to. And so far, you haven't shown any desire to stop your abuse. You justify your abuse. And you bite at anybody who tries to help.

If you're offering to help, than can you quote/copy/highlight examples of my bludgeoning, instead of telling me to go look for it, again, when I already admitted my inability to see it? Yours feels very much like bludgeoning.