Hi all,

I really need some help.

H and I have been married for 3 years. We recently relocated due to his job. It has been a difficult and stressful transition. Due to pressure and stress H has developed a huge drinking problem. His demeanor has become unbearable. We have had some very explosive arguments and he has yelled at me to leave (as in that moment). He has had 3 sexual flings and even admitted to a fling earlier when we began dating. This has happened within the last 2 months. He has begged me to forgive and not leave. He insists its out of his system. I don't want to be intimate with him. He says it's in the past and I need to let it go. He says it's my wifely duty to not say no to sex ever. I really am beginning to resent him.

I tell him I don't trust him and he continues to ask me why (really!). After the flings our arguments are more frequent and explosive. He tells me to leave and begs me to stay all in the same breath. He makes me feel guilty by going over all the things he has done for me especially financially. He says how can I leave someone as rich and handsome as himself?

This is a shortened version of our issues. I seriously feel week and manipulated, but I dont know what to do?

Thanks for reading.

Hi jazz, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your thread really should be over in the Surviving an Affair since serial cheating is your #2 problem. The #1 problem is his alcoholism. Nothing can be done for your marriage unless he stops drinking. Once he stops drinking you can begin affair proofing your marriage. He will have to make a radical change in his approach to marriage that ensures he will never have another affair. That will set the stage for recovery. However, I seriously doubt he will stop drinking.

So, start there. Let him know he has to stop drinking. Additionally, he would need to follow the steps on this checklist to ensure you never have to endure another affair.

Unless he takes these steps, your future will be more and more affairs. And I certainly would not have sex with him until he corrects these issues. YUCK. Having sex with someone so very unpleasant will only create a sexual aversion and make it harder to EVER recover your marriage.

If he won't stop drinking and meet your conditions for extraordinary precautions then you should plan on separating right away. If you don't do that, it will greatly affect your mental and physical health.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

How can I have this topic moved to the correct forum?

Press the "Notify" button on the bottom left hand corner on this comment.
It will take you to another page. Print in the box "Please move to Surviving an Affair forum"