Exactly. When he didn't show up for visitation this week, my sister was fired up, ready to contact him. I asked her what for? To tell him he's supposed to be here? He knows that. To tell him I'm mad that he's not? He doesn't care about that. So really, no point in it. So instead I made my kiddos some mac and cheese and enjoyed the extra time with them.

He is not showing up for visits and wants more time? Yeah, no.

He was at boy scout camp with the oldest, apparently. He didn't tell me he was going. The camp is in town, he could have easily come back for at least one of the visits with his other children. Or told us he wasn't coming. 5 year old was disappointed. Grrrr...

I just got off the phone with my lawyer. He has proposed informal mediation, but my lawyer said that since his lawyer has not had a good track record with offering reasonable things to us, she suggested formal mediation with a mediator. My state mandates formal mediation before you can go to court, so if we do informal and don't come to an agreement, then we'd have to do the formal mediation, too. And pay for both. His lawyer did say that if we are willing to do this she doesn't need the discovery.

My attorney is going to talk with her today and let her know that I am willing to offer a full proposal. She told me to think about offering him a visitation schedule that is a bit more than what he has now, because we want him to agree to it. I reminded her that he said he's so tired that he had to cut his work hours, so why on earth would I leave the kids with him. She's going to talk to his lawyer and tell her that we need to know what he's actually able to do because they're giving us conflicting messages.

If we're able to come to agreement this way, I won't even be required to show up to court. He can go, I can sign, and it will be done.

It is really hard for me to believe that we're at this place. I am finally coming to terms with the idea that this is probably permanent. That even if he tries to come back, I may not want him. He's treated me so badly. It is still so heartbreaking.

I'm sorry you're going through this. How is your self-care going? Are you getting enough sleep, exercise and eating okay?

Hmmm...not as great as it should be, but getting better. I'm finally starting to reclaim my house and schedule and get the kids back on track - part of the craziness comes from having a new baby in the house. I am not laying awake thinking about WH and affairs and divorce anymore. I'm not having miserable dreams. Exercise is harder to come by with tiny ones in the house, but I got a hula hoop and have started trying to learn that. I don't have to leave the house for it. And I've gained 10 pounds back in the last couple of months. (I lost 45 pounds in 4 months with the birth of the baby and the inability to eat well for a while and the stress and nursing.) So, I feel like I'm on the upswing. Still, good days and bad days, but more good than bad. And I didn't cry talking to my lawyer about the logistics of the D. That was a first.

Thank you for asking brainhurts. It's nice to have people who understand what this is like.

I do hoop dance! You go girl! Look up the youtube vids. I love my poly hoop. I lost 15lbs just with hoop alone.

I read your entire story yesterday. Hugs. No advice, i am stumbling though my own dark maze. Just know you have a cheerleader.

Thanks threelittlestars. Yes, it is definitely a dark maze. I am starting to feel like the darkest part is behind me. You'll make it through, too.

So I got this message from my IM:
Tomorrow -- apologies but WH has court scheduled first thing in the am. He can either pick baby up at 7:45 and take all three kids with him to court, not pick baby up until he gets out, or drop the boys off in the morning before court.

The boys are with him now to spend the night.

Now, I'm trying to remember that this has happened from time to time - he would get a subpoena delivered to work the day before, even on his day off.

It doesn't matter to me what he does of those three choices. Should I tell him that, or just pick one?

Also, eldest kiddo starts school in two weeks. I figure I just let WH know that and let him know that he needs to have kiddo at school the next day when he spends the night, and that he will be at school during their regular Friday visit time. No need to offer anything else, or go through the lawyer, right? This isn't a change in visitation, it's just something that the kid has going on during that time.

Hoola Hoops are good. I took up pole dancing during plan B

Outstanding

I don't know why WH would have "drop the boys off" as one of the options. The only thing affected is the baby's pickup time, which is usually 9:30. I am guessing he has court at 8:30. So he has to come for her early, late, or not at all. Unless he really wants to bring them home early but didn't want to ask? Anyway, I think him picking her up early is easiest of the three for what I had planned tomorrow so I guess I'll just tell him to do that.

What did you end up doing? How did it go?

I figured I don't need to worry about what's better for him. He's being selfish enough right now. So I told my IM I'd have the baby ready at 7:45. He didn't respond to her, but he showed up to get her.

I did worry about what would be better for the kids, but then I realized that they would be cared for either way, they just might get bored if court runs long. That is his responsibility to deal with during his visitation time.

If you just state what you want, they will go along with it much of the time. They try to use your care for them and their needs against you and are surprised when you don't cave.

Last week, when WH was informed he had to go to court (his lawyer was on vacation and didn't have anyone check her mail for weeks. That's what you get when your lawyer is a friend of your mistress), he asked to keep my daughter longer since he'd have to stick in town anyway. We already had plans so my IM told him no and he complied. I am not sure if he complained about how he never gets to see her, but if he did, that's his problem. He never sees her because of his choices.

You don't need his approval to make decisions in your and your children's best interests anymore. He fired himself from that position in your life by cheating on you.

Yes. My oldest and I decided it would be best if he goes to school instead of homeschooling next year. He'll be starting high school and under the best of circumstances it would be difficult to do well, and we are certainly not in the best circumstance for it. My 12 yo wants to stay home, and since I'll be taking online classes it should work. The 5 yo could go, technically, but isn't ready especially with all the change at home. So. I had my IM let WH know that he'd need to drop the oldest at school starting in August, and his only response was to all of the others would be in school as well. And no response at all when my IM told him no. Which is good, because he really doesn't get any opinion in the matter. And he no longer has permission to ask me why.

As I go about my days, little things come to me once in a while, things he did or said that I am just now seeing or understanding. I think my head is finally clearing.

I encourage you to send the 5 year old to school.
My kids flourished when they were removed from home schooling ad n placed in public schools.

Yeah, Jedi and some kids crash... You know your children best. My oldest flourished in homeschooling!!!! My youngest might benefit for school in high schoool, but it definitely will not be public school... way too many drugs and sex and the average ACT score is 19.. 75 percent of our kids that go to the community college have to take remedial classes and only 50 percent of the kids go to college at all. So the school makes a difference. The Harleys kids homeschool. So make individual decisions.

Homeschool kids can also get involved in sex and drugs.
Parents involvement both homeschooling and public/private schooling is the critical factor.
Test score averages do not take into account the kids taking AP classes. It is an average overall of all students.

Whether children are schooled at home or elsewhere...... a rich life during nonschooling hours makes the child grow with aspirations and knowledge.

(stepping off my soapbox)

Yeah, and I've started knitting and ballet!

Your comment about the infrastructure of ancient Corinth in the other thread had me laughing too.