Hello,

Thanks for listening. MY situation is that I had an affair with someone I knew when I worked out of town. She became pregnant and its a very strong possibility its mine. I have a W and told her about the situation. She is devastated. I no longer worked in that city and am home with my W. I let the OW know that I would not be around to and we could not have contact because I needed to work on my relationship. We agreed to NC. Though I intended on that happening we had corresponded a couple times after she broke our agreement. Instead of just ignoring I thought I needed to speak to her to smooth things out at the time i thought it was better to be nice than harsh so things didn't blow up. Until this point I had not read this forum and Dr.H's recommendations.

I have seen that there are steps to take in regards to handling this situation. Can somebody point to exactly where I can find this resource. I know there is a letter that I should email to the OW and want to know what exactly it should say

Hi BB! Welcome to Marriage Builders. You are taking the right approach to the problem by ending contact. A letter should be sent and you should change all of your contact #s. Just telling her to stop contacting you will not be enough. There is a suggested no contact letter in Surviving an Affair. You need to get that book. Hopefully someone can post the letter along with the checklist. (I am not on my computer)

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

(From SAA, page 58)

OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that WIFE'S NAME did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay WIFE'S NAME for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

Does your wife know about the possible pregnancy? How long have you been married ? Do you have children?

And please don't make any financial agreements with the OW until after the child is born and a court ordered DNA test proves paternity. Meanwhile you and your wife should take legal steps to protect your family financially, if possible.

She does know about the possible pregnancy. We are not married but have been together for 11 years and engaged for 2. no children. What sort of legal protection will I need. It seems we are going to seperate for a while but I while still be practicing NC with OW or any other W

Thank you for your reply.
The only thing that concerns me about sending this letter is though I was going behind her back to try create NC with the OW. It seems she has finally got the point. She let me know if I wanted to know anything that I could text her. (I won't) What concerns me is that sending the letter will break the NC that I have already established. My W is up to date and knows everything that is going now

Sir please disregard the advice which was previously posted to you.
The advice was based on Dr. Harleys method for saving marriages aa outlined in Surviving an Affair. It is not designed for non married couples.

whats the difference! Im more married than most married couples.

Sorry. which advice should i disregard specifically

The difference is they are *actually* married, and you are not.

Sir, the advice which was given to you may not be applicable on your situation.
I encourage you to read the book, Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. You may find it helpful

we are common law though. We are definitely not "dating" she is by law considered my wife. The advice given to me was very applicable to my situation and was very helpful so far. Id like to continue having my thread where it was. i dont think I'm in the appropriate section

we are common law though. We are definitely not "dating" she is by law considered my wife. The advice given to me was very applicable to my situation and was very helpful so far. Id like to continue having my thread where it was. i dont think I'm in the appropriate section

You said

" We are not married but have been together for 11 years and engaged for 2"

and then say you are common law which is a legal recognition of a marriage which meets certain guidelines in a jurisdiction.

It doesn't seem possible to consider yourself married and engaged to be married at the same time.

The cool thing about an actual marriage is that it is not nebulous. It exists. No doubt. No blurry lines.

The recommendation to read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders is a good one. Don't discount it. It clarifies a lot about relationships of all kinds.

Here Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Sir come off your high horse.
Dont argue that you are married when you haven't made a commitment to her.
You are not committed to her. You came here because youre worried that she will dump you after getting another woman pregnant.

Since you and your common law wife have wasted 11 years together with no formal commitment, maybe the best thing is for you to move on and save this woman more heartache.
she could date and find a man that would be committed to her and willing to marry her.
you could go back on the road and meet more women.

If you are serious about making this relationship work though, you need to admit that you aren't married and then read the recommended book on how to turn an uncommitted relationship into a committed marriage.

The advice I gave you was intended for married couples. It doesn't apply if you aren't married because if you aren't married this isn't an affair. You are both free agents because there is no commitment. She is free to move on and so are you.

Why didn't you ever get married?

How are you "more married" than most?

You aren't legally married, you haven't had a wedding, you have no kids with her, and another woman is pregnant with your baby. Is that more married than most?

Guess what... you are not married! Which means you also have no child, as children of unmarried mothers are presumed fatherless in all 50 states. If and when baby mama comes for legal status and financial support, she will have a bigger piece of the financial pie than any children with your girlfriend ("wife").

Legal marriage may not matter to you (except when it is convenient, I hardly think your baby mama was told you had a WIFE. But the law matters too, and even common law is not the same.