Ron,
I would **EDIT**. A home needs to be place where the family is safe and not abused by another's actions. Dr. Harley says that infidelity is an awful abuse on another human being.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

My lawyer is telling me when she refiles the divorce he wants to have a court order that she needshould to move. I am not a 100% sure thatshe the right thing to do.
Really my goal is to have my wife back there is nothing I want more than to hold her right know.
I am learning how to deal with the extra stress and her anger when it shows its head. It's by no means easy, but I am holding on to hope it will pay off.
I can't see any way the POSOM is going to be there for her, besides being a ear. With no job and he stays at him mom's apt. She going to need financial support along with Support for the kids, I just can't see him stepping up to the plate and offering that.

Justthe3ofus,

You are correct that an affair is an awful abuse.
However, you are incorrect in advising that the poster make demands of his wife to end an affair.
Dr. Harley encourages betrayed spouses to tell their cheating spouse how hurt they are and ask them to end their affair. But he is against all demands.
Pasted below is a comment Dr. Harley posted last year. I have bolded the relevant part:

If you decide to pursue divorce I encourage you to seek full custody of your children.
Regarding a court order for her to leave the home, Dr. Harley typically advises a husband against forcing a cheating wife to leave the home while in Plan A.
You may want to email him for specific guidance since you are in the legal system. He may defer to your attorney if it helps you gain custody.

Ron, do you live in a no-fault divorce state? Or are you in one of the states that still allows Alienation of Affection lawsuits to be filed against affair partners?

I live in a no fault divorce state.

I have a question i a struggling with, now that she filed and had me served with divorce papers.

What needs do i meet and were do i draw the line?
Like do to i have her move? If she spends all her work money and then wants money? Right now she is not helping wih any expences but child care.
So my real question is how much should i be willing to help, do i fix her car or if breaks do i loan her my car and stuff like that?
I am more than willing to help were i can, but i dont want to enable her eather.

I feel i am a catch 22 here, and just not sure which is the right way.

I did not say that Ron should demand she end the affair. I said he **EDIT**

Ron, I was in your shoes a long time ago. I **EDIT**, and I was supported on this site for that decision. I never forced her into any decisions. My marriage is now recovered thanks to Marriage Builders and the God's grace. My wife respects me for standing up for our marriage and not enabling the affair.

Ron, in answer to whether to do favors for your wife once she has served you with divorce papers, (but is still in the house), I'm not sure what the right thing is. I've been away from the Boards for years, only popping in from time to time. Maybe a fresh post, with the heading "PLAN A question for a BH served divorce papers" - would catch the eye of people on the boards who are experienced and are better equipped to advise you?

I don't want to suggest anything that could make it easier for her to continue her abuse. At the same time, while you're still under the same roof, it could be useful to do things that will make her remember you with fondness once the idiot she's dating starts to foul up.

It depends on if you still want to make the marriage work. It is irrelevant if she is serving you with papers or not, she is having an affair.
Dr. Harley encourages husbands to stay in plan A as long as they can, because a WW will typically respond to the care and effort of a BH eventually.

Dr. Harley also suggests that you should protect marital assets and your own financial future. Although it is often recommended here on the forum, that you file for full custody, I have never heard Dr. Harley take a really strong stance on that. It really depends on your situation. Of course there are many situations in which the wayward spouse all but abandons the children, so that it is important that you be their rock and give them stability, but that does not automatically mean full custody. I recommend that you get thorough legal advice as to the laws in your state and that you put EVERYTHING IN WRITING because wayward spouses notoriously change their minds after the deal is done and they are under influence of their affair partners.

You may want to think about your own situation, child care, how your spouse has been treating the children and if there is anything you can do to prevent them from having to see their mother's affair partner. Put everything in writing and think ahead. Get some people to put in writing that you are a nice father, who knows that you may need it.

If you stay in plan A after a divorce, you can use childrens outings to fun places to lure your wife on family fun dates with you. OM can never compare to you as the father of her children. If you decide to go into plan B, it is recommended that you do parallel parenting, which means that you can have minimal (e-mail) contact with your spouse to make plan B possible. Plan B though has a higher risk of divorce and a smaller chance of reconcilliation than plan A. That is why Dr. Harley recommends plan A for as long as you can for men.

That's what I desided to take all I can in the parenting plan, right know my step daughter hates her mother.
Like Saturday night thy had a girls night and saw a movie together, well my step daughter came home anger as you get. she saw her mom was texting the POSOM during the movie. Right know she is seeing her mom as a lier and really does not care how she feels.
I had her talk to a friend of ours to get her to calm down.
The my WW said she was going to take a drive after thy came back. Which at this point going to take a drive means seeing the POSOM. Well she got home right after 3am.
So with all theses late night outings I feel she is abandonin the kids. She never checks in to see how thy are doing nothing.

I sure wish I could put more pressure on there relationship, I done see how thy are going to make it. My WW is talking to him about getting a place together, but POSOM is not going to be much help as I found out he's on SSI medical disabled.
If thy move in together or get married he will get less SSI to getting canceled all together from my research.

Her car she bought I don't thing will be on the road long, when she left to go to the movies, it made a loud pop and she left and there was this nice scraping noise.

I can't believe how this story is unfolding, nothing makes real since. I just hope it ends soon, I it's really hard on the kids and I hate to see that.

Ron, thankfully happyheart responded about Plan A.

It really is hard to watch your kids being hurt by their mother's selfish behavior. Are you still keeping a handwritten journal, documenting the kid related things that you are posting on MB? As hard as this is to endure, there is an up-side to her behaviors. You have a record of them.

The information about POSOM being on disability is good. he isn't going to offer her financial stability. When THAT reality hits the fan, it's really going to stink for them.

The texting to OM while with her little girl, typical. The way-wards go into a bubble and they think nobody sees what they are doing. They turn their bodies a little bit sideways and tilt the screen away so you can't see the texts, but the effect is that your stepdaughter knows she doesn't matter but that POSOM does. Very hateful. Her affair is damaging her relationship with her child, and she doesn't care a whif. You are that child's life preserver.

I am trying to keep a journal but it's not easy taking care of the kids,work and paperwork for the lawyer stuff like that.

Today Sunday I let me emotions get the better of me and I am not sure if it was bad or good.So my WW was getting ready to leave for a new church and I was going to go with. When I went to get into the car she asked what I was doing and I said I was going with. She shook her head and said no. So I slammed the door saying nothing and ran into the apt to get the keys to my car. When I came down the stair she said something I forgot. And we talked and she let me go. Inside the car she said don't do that again and I did not answer.
It seemed to soften her abit, but I have the feeling I over reacted.
I don't like anything to come between me and the kids.

On another note is there anything I can do about her driving the kids around drousy? I noted she was pretty drousy on the way to and from church today. 3 to 4 hr of sleep a night is not helping.

Yeah, and my WW just seeing her daughter being rebellious and my WW keeps saying it was school related emails she was replying to. My daughter says she could cleary see who my WW was texting too.

How far will my WW go?
My friend been talking to my daughter and getting her to calm down. My friend informed me that my daughter is at risk to run away. And so far has talked her out of running away.

Your daughter's desire to run away is probably a wish to get rid of the horrid situation her mother has forced on her. Your love and stability are the best things for her right now. She is blessed to have you in her family.

It's rotten when anyone foresakes their own family to selfishly indulge in extra marital affairs.

I hope the time you and the kids spend together is fun and that you are building the bonds between you all.

I just answered an earlier post of yours.

About the drowsy driving: I looked up the law for a person who is an IV drug user (life-long, daughter of a friend). The woman has had several car accidents, and last year totaled her brand new car. She had to buy a used clunker.

I looked up laws on the internet, and it came down to the police will not keep an eye out for an impaired driver if you call in to give their plate number. They will only intervene if one of them witnesses the driver doing something illegal, and then they will pull them over.

This addict seems to have a charmed life, in spite of several traffic stops by the local sheriff.

I intended to report her, but there was no way to do that. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry.

I try to spend as much time with her as I can, Sunday afternoon we went for a walk and I took her to DQ down the street. My WW would kill me because she is punishing her for her behavior toward her. But I don't see it as justice punishment. I ausured her I am doing what I can and I just can't tell her right not what I am doing, because her mom can't know right know or it might make things really hard for her and dad.
I have also tried to explain to her that keeping secrets from mom right know is not a bad thing with what is going on, but not something we should do.

Because of the way her mom treats her right know I am giving her some extra leeway in staying up a little bit longer.
I was letting her stay in my bed, but know her mom is going to punish her if she is any were but in her bed.

Is this your step-daughter you're talking about? I do hope not.

Not that I think there is anything wrong with a daughter sleeping in Dad's bed when there is a crisis in the family, but she is your stepdaughter. Waywards fight dirty and accuse parents of horrible things. Do not give WW any ammo.

Walking to DQ for ice cream is a very neat thing to do, however! Too bad if WW wants to punish her. The child sees exactly what is going on and her sense of outrage is completely justified. She will be looking to you for moral clarity later in her life.

You are the most loving caring parent in this whole mess and it's important that your [step]daughter doesn't have any problems staying in your home, with her family.

Please do not let her stay in your bed. The very last thing you need is an irrational, unstable, hostile woman (who has been trying to throw everything against you except the kitchen sink) making allegations that you are sexually abusing your stepdaughter. False accusations like that can very quickly take on a life of their own.

tl

You had 3 replies 3 minutes, all saying basically the same thing. Please don't ignore us.

tl