About 75 days ago I found out my wife of 19 years was having an affair. We have two kids 13 and 11. My marriage was over approximately five years ago according to what I found out . At this time she began drinking and partying heavily and seem to be mad at me continuously . After about a year of this she joined alcoholics anonymous . At this point she became even more disconnected and standoffish against me . I tried to let it go as I knew she was trying to break this alcohol problem . After about a year I busted her in what I thought was an emotional affair. She asked for a divorce multiple times but she seem to end the affair and we went to counseling things were better between us but we were like roommates we never reconnected. I wish I had had found marriage builder years sooner .

In February this year she asked for a divorce again and I wanted to work it out and could find no evidence of an affair. 75 days ago I became suspicious of her and the man she was with before. I launched my investigation and found it to be another affair or a continuation I was so furious and thought we were headed for divorce I continued to search for answers I found her AA journals and read them with much shock and pain . I found she had multiple one night stands when she started drinking heavily before the affair and that she had cheated on me 20 years ago multiple times as we had a long distance relationship while she was in college. All of this had been hidden from me i feel so dumb and na�ve for not knowing.

At this time I only assumed there was one answer and that was divorce. I was too emotional and upset to make any decisions at that time I decided to play cool and get my cards together because nothing really mattered about us anymore, after about 30 days I began to calm down and decide the divorce may not be the best solution I would lose half the time with my kids and crush them in the process, I am self-employed which my business would have to be sold to support two households and start a new career that only left me with reconciling, could this be done? As I searched that's when I found marriage builders as more time passes I feel maybe I can do this . As bad as reading what I read hurt there was also things in there that I know she still loves me and that she always has and I am still in love with her. Despite what happened, our marriage was great in the beginning, and she is not totally to blame for its failure, so 30 days ago when I found marriage builders I started implementing the policies. At This time I still thought there was no hope and she was in love with another man after 30 days or so of this, she began to come around and it was amazing to me how much things have improved between us.

I confronted her about the affair 10 days ago thinking that I was going to use exposure in the second round of breaking up her and the other man, as I confronted her about the affair she told me that It had been over for two weeks, she had decided it was wrong and wanted to work on our family. I was skeptical and I'm still skeptical but it does seem to be over. She has yet to meet my list of terms as far as no contact and letting me have 100% transparency but as bad as things where I am not surprised. I have not pushed the issue in either case I have been waiting for her to volunteer those items for now. She is in AA with the man and refuses to not go or make him not go we live in a very small town and it is the only meeting. I have had contact with this man and he seems to be emotionally upset when he sees me or my wife. As far as any of us moving that seems to be a remote possibility for any of us, it would take at least two years for that to happen without severe financial repercussions. I haven't pushed transparency issue yet as I am still trying to avoid love busters. Even if I gain access to her phone there's no way I can know if she still talking to him if she deletes the info. Another problem that I encountered and I new it would happen is that I exposed that I read her private journals and new all of the history which pissed her off more than anything I can imagine . I now feel I should have busted her on the exposure the same day but that was not my plan and after she told me that it was already over I became reluctant to do it . It has now been 10 days and she has come around and has made no promises but she is trying today. I hate to hit her with this huge love buster as not sure how much is in the bank. Should I continue the exposure and do that or should I wait until she refuses to move forward? I am very happy with our current progress and unless we have a set back I feel I should hold off on this for now. We are leaving on a family trip tomorrow as part of my trying to get us back together and time together what should I do about the exposure ignore it enjoy our trip and then do it? If the affair has ended and as bad shape as we are in maybe not do it unless the affair resumes? It also bothers me this is a very small town and I suspect other people know of this and some of her prier affairs all ready, further exposure might be harmful to hers and my career. I also worry if I don't do it this other man will continue to pursue her. Stopping him is my biggest concern right now. Another concern of the exposure is that I think the only reason she is still with me is because of the kids, if I tell them and my wife's perfect image of our family gets ruined she won't worry about ending it with me as she will see it as I hurt the kids by telling them. Her image and self preservation in front of the kids is very important to her. She would never forgive me for telling them. Another thought I had what if I made her te her tell them of the affair and if she didn't I would.I know we are not supposed to make threats or demands.
Please help with suggestions, Thank you!

Who have you exposed to?
Exposure to AA?

Don't worry about her anger that's par for the course. You shouldn't be confronting her though.

Oh I see you haven't exposed at all. Stop talking to the waywards and expose. Your wife needs help - stop threatening her.

If she sees the OM at AA the affair isn't over.

Is the OM married?

Sir the first step towards surviving an affair and recovery is for the cheating spouse to agree to never see or speak to the OM for the rest of her life.
I assure you should will not agree to this now because she is probably in love with him.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose the affair far and wide.

Pre affair it probably was. Nowadays she's willing to risk her image and her family based on the assumption you simply don't care. So much she assumes you will permit and hide an affair.

Kids love their mother no matter what. They will be very keen for her to restore their trust and show remorse.

No matter what, they deserve clear no nonsense guidance from their one sane parent. To hear you want the above show of remorse too and are fighting on their side.

If you let her talk to them she will worst case lie and best case just spout a lot of moral confusion at them. How she can't find herself and forgot to look in her shoes yada yada.

Sorry to hear this. She will have to walk her walk for a while until sanity returns. But then repeated problems could point to deeper issues which needs addressing.

I read your entire post and very much understand where you are at. Dr. H has a very specific plan to begin recovery from such a traumatic event. If you waffle in your decisions with following each and every step, you are only hurting yourself and the chances for recovery more.

Listen to the people here, email, then try to be a caller on the radio program to get direct advise on these principles as they relate to your specific situation.

You need to expose this A. STEP ONE. Of course she will get angry and might even say you guys are over! That ultimately may happen anyway if you fail to expose this A.

I remain in recovery from an A my wife had over three years ago! This is not a process for the faint at heart. I have relocated twice and changed careers, all in the name of recovery.

Today my kids hug there mother and have good solid relationships with them. That wasn't the case three years ago. My oldest DD19 couldn't even stand to call her mother mom after I exposed the A to them.

I tell you these brief descriptions of my nightmare to prove to you that following some of the advice here might not be the most popular thing to do, but it is the best on many fronts.

1. Expose this A.
2. Tell you wife you love her and have a plan to recover your marriage but NO CONTACT must be established first.
3. Investigate on your own, without her knowledge, to affirm to you that no contact is being maintained.

Check her cell records. Put a GPS on her car, follow her if need be. You need to do this because she is full of nothing but lies.

One thing I focused on for over the first year, is that I only believed my wife if her actions could support it, or some kind of other investigative means.

She defied your trust at monumental levels and you deserve this kind of proof for your own mental wellbeing.

Keep posting here. There are many well versed people her to help each step of the way.

Thanks for input!

Monday
I found contact with other person.
I exposed to our children.
Kids gave her the what for. She screamed yelled and said it was over as expected and wanted divorce and she was calling attorney, said this ended it no more chance to work on it.
Tuesday
She just mad but talked to me about kids needs only and she put on good front for the kids.
Wednesday
Text me she doesn't want to be married any more and wants us to have serious discussion.
What do I do now?

Go back and answer the questions you were asked please. If we are going to take the time to post to you, you need to respond if you want to get more responses.

Sorry about no answers.
I have only exposed to my father and our two kids. My kids had a friends parent go through this just recently and my children said they didn't want it to be like what happened to there friend. Which was huge exposure and embarrassment for everyone involved. I have honored there wish. If she moves out or kicks me out I will increase exposure.

No he is not married. He is divorced with two kids. His wife had an affair on him and it ended in divorce.

You need to expose. Truth-telling is important and you should teach that to your kids. Also, this is not about revenge but about getting support for your marriage.

Is your goal to save your marriage or to take the advice of children? That is silly to sacrifice their family and your marriage because your kids might be "embarrassed." Who is the adult here because I can't tell?

"Increasing exposure if, if, if" is conflict avoidance. I can tell you don't take this very seriously, and as such, are wasting our time. If you refuse to take the advice you are wasting valuable time on this forum that could be devoted to people who are serious about saving their marriage.

Let us know when you get serious.

Mel,
I think he IS serious, but it's clear from reading NWO's initial post that the real problem is he is an enabler. He seemed more concerned that his wife was angry that he read her private journals than was outraged by her affair. The fact that he waited a month to say anything about the bombshell news indicates that he is, as you say, a conflict avoider and indecisive.

Unless these things change, he will continue to enable the affair.

Plan A is not for wimps. NWO needs to know that there IS a way out. That way is Plan A, and it requires action, decisiveness, and courage. It's the best plan out there, but it is not for the faint of heart.