How am I in denial? Seems to me that I would be denying the obvious by trying to keep plan A up without any real hope of finding if there is OM, and getting some kind of restraining order record.

Sure I could give up work and not take care my daughter and just follow her!? That's not realistic.

I am trying to negotiate a quick settlement with her so we can sell house and I can get away from the constant reminders. Problem is she is so rooted in financial resentment that it seems unlikely, given her proposed offers, that she will willingingly accept a legally just division of assets without a prolonged and costly process.

I refuse to be treated disrespectfully in this matter. I can Understand how she could get to a point of seeking her needs met elsewhere, and forgive her for being human, but if she insists on being selfish and disrespectful in coming to a equitable settlement then I'm going to feel doubly agrieved and dig in.

You should be able to find the information you need without getting a restraining order. You just need to be a little discreet, that's all. Would specific suggestions be helpful?



I'm not sure that this is the moment for changes. You need to look like the rock. That will make you more attractive to her.

I have to admit / point out that I have serious doubts that exposing would actually change her mind anyway. There are members if MY family that have expressed acceptance of an affair being a symptom and that if she has clocked out of relationship then it's too late. I can hardly expect better support from her family and friends. And her psychogist has made a stong case for her seperating.

I just feel like it's hopeless. She has so much resentment towards me now and How exactly do I get sufficient evidence without 24hr monitoring of her activities?

People have made suggestions but nothing at my disposal would achieve the desired result.

It may not change her mind but there are plenty of reasons for exposing that have nothing to do with changing her mind. I found MB well after my XH had dumped the Fat Slag and exposure was not emphasised then the way it is now. I am still living with the consequences of non exposure. I thought a quiet and graceful exit was the correct strategy (although I did tell the children and parents of course). I was so wrong.

Once he had his version of events out there it was almost impossible to refute as nobody would tell me what he was saying. He even showed up to my mother's funeral as the 'bereaved spouse'.


You may get no support. I seem to remember that Dr Harley did not think this was necessarily a marriage that should be saved. But you need to know who this person is.




You do it by being strategic.

If you know that she is taking a trip to another city and know the hotel she is staying at, you just need to engage a PI to be at the front desk when they check in. Getting the information should take less than an hour, He should be able to get a photo.

A VAR and GPS in her car would work too. you can tuck them under the passenger seat but above the webbing so that they do not slide out.

Antidepressants? Skipping that.

Daily radio show? Skipping that.

PI you could've hired a long time ago? Skipped that.

Moving quickly through the divorce and cutting off contact so you can heal quickly? You're not going to do that, either, are you?

There are pills you can take that will help you be more rational and come up with more possible solutions to your problems and you are refusing to take them because, in your words, you want a "lesson."

I've already pointed out I don't want side effects of AD.

Can't afford PI, for 3 days. Especially for no gaurenteed result. It would cost thousands and there is no 100% gaurentee there is a actual relationship happening. Yes it's a high possibility but I'm going to borrow thousands of dollars. I've already spent over $2000.

On multiple PC and Iphone software, recorders, flowers, other gifts, picnic set, etc etc.

I was able to retrieve her phone backups x6 for the last 6 months, including one from 4 days after she told me she wanted to separate. There was no evidence in TXT messages and of the phone call history I have checked on all the high incident calls with no contact assigned. Same with Facebook and her email accounts at the time of separation. She was either meticulous in removing evidence or there was no actual full blown relationship with someone she kept in contact with that way. Otherwise she would have removed her email history of the flirting she did with old boyfriend.

Yes it could be a work collegue that she messages through her work email. I can't access that. I can't follow her 24/7 .

I have asked her to expidite the settlement process but it looks like she is intent on being a selfish [censored]. So I might be stuck fighting her for months; I don't know.

You don't need a PI for three days, you need a PI for one hour.


A recorder is useful. Where did you put it?

Actually min charge was $800. Thats if contact happened on first night. If not, then , well u get picture. It could have been 2nd night, or third, or none.

The bedroom.

Contact will happen on the first night. They will check in together. This is money well spent whether you are interested in saving your marriage or not as it will put your mind at rest.



Did you find anything on the recorder? Under the car seat would be my recommendation but hide it well.

Trip is on 3rd night now. I already ruled out PI as unfeasible. I didn't get any relationship proof from recorder. I got a lot of insight into the true extent of her bottled up resentment though. I honestly cannot fathom how she could have become so strongly angry at me.

I just hope she decides to make a fair settlement arrangement without having to resort to a costly, and lengthy, dispute.

I discovered she had dinner with the guys she mentioned in the email while she away. I don't think they slept together from the information source it doesn't look like they did as he is still married.

I am feeling very very angry and distressed. There is no clear quick pathway for a settlement; I am stuck in the house with all the memories and she is going to try and screw us out of everything she can.

I am looking after her dog and cat and there is still belongings of hers in our bedroom. I feel like throwing them all out and making her collect the pets.

Dajavude,

we understand your frustration and resentment. The fact that he is still married is nothing.
You cannot make her do anything, but you can do what is in your power:
- change yourself for the better (do it for YOU - exercise, healthy eating, letting go of bad habits, being a good husband)
- keep snooping until you find the proof you need.
- there is no sense in facilitating her affair by babysitting the animals. You could have come along (wether she wanted or not), but the animals did not do anything wrong, so don't punish them.

Be your best self and take the high road. Sitting in the corner being sad does not make you feel better. Be the rock your children need.

I don't see point in snooping anymore. We have been separated 6 weeks. No one is going to care about the ethics of her dating / sleeping with someone now.

I have already made changes for myself. I have lost 10kg's, changed my body clock to wake up every day at 6am, eating healthy, started studying a new diploma course for a career change, and have focussed on looking after my daughter. We have already become closer. We are starting yoga and cooking lessons soon.

I'm resilient and intelligent enough to know I will become a stronger and better person. I have to forgive myself for neglecting her needs, and forgive her. I'll just have to let my wife go and hope she finds happiness. It's just sad that it took this to make me wake up.

There's going to be two ex-wives that I'll carry love for around inside me.

Then please analyze where it went wrong, so that the count stops at 2.

It went wrong with her seeking attention from an old boyfriend 12 months ago and then either deliberately, or subconconsvioulsy sabotaging the marriage to justify her leaving.

That is right, she needed extraordinary precautions.
But did not you say that in hindsight UA and emotional needs could have been better?

I am actually not as pessimistic about your options. Either you find proof and ask people for their help in these difficult times (influencing her to end affair or helping you out/being there for you) OR the affair eventually crumbles.
You have already said that OM has no resources and is a bum. She will see the truth soon enough.

Bums like OM often have a lot of time on their hands. He took the time to talk to her, meeting a need that was not being met so much in your marriage. That is no excuse for the affair though, and would never have happened with extraordinary precautions (never have contact with a former love interest and never talk about personal things with someone other than your spouse).

Once someone meets your needs, they become very attractive to you, even being a bum. This fog made her see him through rose coloured glasses and your marriage as not worthwile.

I agree with you that there are some people who will not say anything bad about affairs, but I do not agree with you, that nobody will care. Many people have experienced the pain of betrayal themselves and care about your pain. People who don't care, don't care about you, period. You don't need people in your life who don't care about you.

Because you have been married only 3 months I would find it understandable if you don't want to go through all the trouble, especially if the presumed affair has been going on from before you were married and you have no joint children. You might even get an anullment.

But even if you decide to call it a day, you will benefit from exposure if possible, because of the people who will stand by you in this time.

You never have seen any point in snooping. The point in snooping is to gather the necessary intelligence to enable an effective marriage recovery effort.That's because you are not following the MB plan. If you work through the full plan and it doesn't result in recovering your marriage, what it will result in is the loss of any residual love for the wayward spouse. People who follow the plan either recover their marriages or they recover themselves. You are choosing to do neither.

He's not a Bum. He's obviously a man with very poor level of personal ethics. But he's a very successful professional, Degree, high paying job, etc etc. My wife is obviously very attracted to him.

Ironically, if he left his wife, and they got together, he would be the kind of person that would do it again. Karma for her. It sounds to me like he may well have been the catalyst for her first marriage ending.

How complicated could be a divorce settlement for 3 month marriage with no kids? Why would you expect it to be long and costly?

Also I've read somewhere that you need to be separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce in Australia... Is that correct?