Ok, I could really use some help. For real. FTF has been wonderful these past few years. Really. He's taken me out on dates, bought me flowers, stopped interrupting me when I talk (for the most part) but I still can't figure out why I don't want to have sex with him. I've tried reading romance novels, watching dirty movies, sex toys. What's wrong with me that I can't bring myself to want to have sex with a wonderful man that obviously loves me??

I have Dr. Harley state that women do not have the same desire to have sex as men do, but for the most part a willingness to have sex to feel closer to their H.

I do not remember the context, but he has advised some women to just incorporate it in their dates and not to wait for them to desire it explicitely. Your dates should incorporate: UA, RC, IC, affection and SF. It should be in a way that is comfortable for you, because you are the partner with the smaller need. Your husband should behave in a way that makes SF pleasant for you and should concentrate on meeting your needs. If you are used to have pleasant SF regularly, it will become a habit and will probably be less awkward.

You should be very carefull though, to not do anything you find unpleasant as this will trigger aversion. Why do you want to watch dirty movies anyway?

Please read Dr. H's writings on this topic:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html
and the Q&A colums on how to meet the need for sexual fulfullment.

You're in the online programme, aren't you?

I really think you should ask Dr Harley about this. We've given you and FTF the general advice that Dr H gives, and it hasn't helped. I do think you need his specialist help now - and you do have easy access to that.

I'm sure those who can't read the online forum would appreciate knowing how he responds, so would you update us on that?

I agree. If the general advice is not working, you need more specialized help. Let Dr. Harley know what's going on.

I keep the two of you in mind very often. I'm glad to hear how great FTF has become. There are probably some more things that can be done about this problem, and I echo the advice to talk to Dr. Harley about it. He may have additional suggestions for FTF, or he may have additional suggestions for you, or both.

We are pulling for you guys to become a fantastic marriage!

And I think the fact that you are here asking for help is fantastic and shows that a lot of things are obviously going right! You are probably right on the verge of complete success.

You might talk to Dr. Harley about whether or not you feel in love with FTF at this point.

You might try looking at Dr. Harley's article on sexual aversion.
You might also try looking at the material in the Sexual Fulfillment chapter of His Needs Her Needs and working through the material on it in the workbook.

I wouldn't mess with any more romance movies, dirty movies, or sex toys.

Definitely talk to Dr. Harley.

By the way, are you spending 15+ hours per week alone with FTF? Is it the highlight of your week? The best thing that happens to you all week? The escape for you from the stress of life?

The above would be part of the problem so I would eliminate all outside influences. It is not helping, but hurting the situation.

And how much UA time are you getting a week? Are you going out on 4 dates? If you aren't doing that, then nothing you do will work.

Very definitely do this. How you feel about him is crucial, not just that he loves you.

One thing to talk about with Dr. Harley is whether or not you feel arousal when you do these things.

If you don't, you might have a hormonal problem.
If you do, then you are likely causing a contrast effect in which your husband does not stand the chance to arouse you himself.

Thanks everyone! I am going to do all of those things and let you know what Dr. Harley says

I have actually been to see 3 different lady doctors and this is the advice I received from all of them- the romance novels, dirty movies, sex toys, etc. I did get my hormones tested. I was on the low end of the normal zone.

I think the problem is the expectation of sex. Yes, we go out and have a nice meal or catch a movie. Then come home and what does he expect? sex. It takes all the fun out of it. It stresses me out!

Here's a typical date scenario: dinner, movie, come home, hang out, have sex, I feel used

or

dinner, movie, come home, hang out, I pass out, no sex, next day he says he's unhappy

How can sex be fun at all when it's expected??

Would you be willing to initiate at other times, so that it is not expected?

And how is that working? We happen to know it doesn't work because it creates a contrast effect.


Can you take hormones?

Are you in love with FTF? Are you spending enough UA time together? That is what seems to be missing. You cite everything wonderful he does, but are you in love?

I don't understand how it takes the fun out sex if it is planned. Isn't that how dating works? Isn't dating fun? When people fall in love, they are not going out on "spontaneous" dates, they are going out on planned dates.

My question would be how enjoyable are your dates? Are you meeting each others intimate emotional needs? Is he affectionate? Is the conversation good?

And how many hours per week do you spend on dates?

I think you confuse expect it with want it. Normal for a husband to want to end a day with his wife with sex.

What is done during the day/dates to prime the pump, flirt talk, physical contact that slowly escalates throughout the day? I don't want an answer but ask to get you to answer yourself. Where are you and your husband dropping the ball? Opportunity to communicate.

One of them actually prescribed some sort of testosterone cream compound which I tried for about a month. It didn't seem to increase my desire at all. Then I went back to try to see the same doctor but she wasn't available. So I saw the nurse practitioner. She said she wasn't willing to up the dosage because of the side effects. She also told me that the other doctor who originally prescribed it would probably not be willing to up the dosage either. However, she is booked up until late Sept.

We rarely go out because we don't have the money right now. We were able to drop the kids off at my parents' house the night before.

I think that sex is great fun when it is expected, and planned.

I think that your problem is not that it is expected, but you do not want to have it. Would make any difference if it were not "expected", and instead of expecting it at the end of a date, your husband were spontaneous about it? Would you be more turned on then? If so, I don't see why you haven't told him this already.

The problem might not the expectation, but that you are not in love, and do not want sex under any circumstances. Is that true?

Maybe I do but when I get the cold shoulder the next day, it makes me feel like I should have had sex with him just to make him happy regardless of whether I wanted to or not.