I just found out this past Tuesday that my fiancee has cheated on me. We have been together 3 years. We have been going through alot lately. I felt like he had better places to be when he came home late and I shut down emotionally. In the beginning, he was dealing with alot that I was not aware of, changes at work, just got a rental house on top of life itself. It went from him getting home at 4pm to him getting home at 11pm. Him getting the cold shoulder turnd into "Why even come home early" and that visious cycle progressed. We both told each other what we did not like and we both felt like nothing changed.
He is also a gun instructor and went to help with a class this past weekend. When he came home, I was suspicious and found a sim card in his wallet of him in the act with another woman. The pictures were graphic and it tore my heart out. There were also pictures of them at the zoo. I confronted him and found out this was not the first time. I am not a suspicious person and have not gone through his wallet before.
I know I had my part in this and he said he thought I didn't care anymore. I had withdrawn and it got out of control with both of us feeling needs were not meet. I have read so many places that a relationship can get stronger after infidelity but I am on such an emotional roller coaster right now.
I know I had my fault in this but can't get those pictures out of my head. I know he loves me more than anything, I just feel so betrayed.

For full disclosure, I feel I should add some background info: When I first met my fiancee, I slept with him on our first "official date". I had been married and only been with one man for 20 years and had been divorced for a year. He was head over heels for me and thought we were in a commited relationship from the time we slept together. I went to Costa Rica and had a one night stand there. I know, I'm horrible. I was not as into him as he was into me and he asked my when I returned if I had been with anyone else and I was honest. I was there for 20 days. I felt awful when I realized how much I meant to him from the first time we were together. He feels like I had betrayed him then, of course, and the betrayal from him cheating is the same. I know he feels horrible about it and even though I told him it was over that night and screamed for him to get out, he didn't leave. He said he knew he should leave me alone but did not want to be away from me. We were always so very affectionate and always touching each other, especially in bed - spooning and just being close. He felt like he was coming home to my back everynight and for the most part he was. I know what I have to do to make our relationship better. Still just feel so hurt.

Dating is an interview for marriage, and unless you have a VERY low bar set for yourself regarding what you want in a husband, he has failed the interview.

Do you have kids together? Do you live together?

We have been living together for 2 years. We don't have any kids.

I would tell you to cut your losses and move on. You are not married, you have no kids together. The road to recover from an affair (which this is not, since you are not married) is 2-5 years, which is as long or longer than your relationship itself! There is no reason to work that hard for a man who has failed the interview.

I guess affair is the wrong word. He cheated. I just dont know if it's something I forgive and we move on since I was apathetic in my own way. We live as a married couple and always had the mindset of living the rest of our lives together.

But do you want to live the rest of your lives together if it means repeating this experience over and over?

No. I don't want it to happen again

Dr Harley does not believe in forgiveness, he believes in Just Compensation. Blanket forgiveness WILL lead to this again.

Dr Harley also does not believe in living together before marriage. If for any other reason, statistically couples who marry after living together first have a higher divorce rate. This is because they are more likely to carry a 'renter' attitude into marriage. Dr Harley has a great article on this site about buyers, renters and freeloaders, and has written an entire book about it which I highly suggest you read.

Nothing you did or did not do in your relationship caused your boyfriend to cheat, that is a choice he made on his own. If he was not happy he could have chosen to talk to you about that, and if things did not change, end your relationship. Instead he chose to cheat.

I am sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it's very painful. But consider that you may have dodged a bullet here. You have little invested into this relationship and can fairly easily leave it behind. You can stay here and learn how to choose a mate and how to create a marriage material relationship.

Thank you. I just feel confused. I know he loves me and we always had a life planned out together. It is painful.

Have you seen this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I have not yet. I am going to read it today. Thank you

It is easy to think that you know his plans when you really don't. His idea of the "life planned out together" evidently consists of him keeping you around as a side option while he plays the field.

That does hurt

It is important for you to gain the perspective of uninvolved observers like myself. The object isn't to cause pain, but to get you on sound emotional footing from which to decide your future. It hurts to have a cavity filled, but there is real benefit to doing it anyway.

That is amazingly put, thank you

Consider yourself fortunate this came to light prior to you getting married. Why would you want to commit to building a lifetime with someone who is insufficiently equipped for the job.

If you were in a business and your employee or partner stole from you would you not fire them? Fire this guy. Be thankful you did not get in any deeper than you have and go find a decent guy. This guy is not a good investment of your time and emotions.

If you think this is painful can you imagine how it would feel after 10 years of marriage?

Devastating is the only word I can think of for that.