i used to post here years ago.

as my title says....it finally happened...my wife has filed divorce. cant begin to tell you the pain....but many of you know it already.

sorry, but i feel betrayed, have gone from major depression to anger to ....i don't know...its all so weird. 35 years of life....down the drain......i know i made mistakes....and now i realize that she was also with plenty to blame....just loved her too much to see it clearly. but i know...even with all my faults, i DO NOT deserve this. but, what do you do? i don't want to be in a relationship where your partner is not happy.

and now, when i read the financial demands make by my wife and her lawyer ( i wanted to do this between me and her....she always said i was to generous for my own good.....but now...what, has that changed?) i get soooo angry and confused....did i even KNOW the person i spent so many years with? And now, looking back on things that happened, her actions seem so planned, so calculating......[censored], this stinks...just when it seemed we were finally on some financial sailing ship......

don't know what to expect from now on.....

im sure people here know what its like to wake up each day.......at middle age......and wonder where all you plans have gone.......

its like i am 16 all over again .......WITH your trust in people shot to [censored]............just weird.

Welcome back, gabagool. I'm sorry that your wife has filed for divorce.

The problem is that most of us here do NOT know your story. I tried to read some of your threads, but they were long, and it was difficult to pinpoint the problems that led you here. Would you mind giving us a summary of your marriage and its problems, please?

thank you sugarcane.

i will try...but like all 35 year marriages....its a bit complicated...where she went wrong....where i went wrong.....marriage is a complicated thing.......its all about life and its trials....thats something i don't think my wife realized......but i will write a post as concise as possible.....thank you for even being interested.

Dr. Harley talked a lot about disillusionment on today's radio show - you might give it a listen. Dr. Harley frequently comments that even though trust happens, it really is irrational - people shouldn't trust, and in fact they don't need to do so in order to have a good marriage.

If you want to stay married, I would suggest you go to the MB101 forum and start a new thread and explain in 1-3 sentences what the issues are.

Whether you do or don't want to stay married, I suggest downloading the Marriage Builders app and listening to the radio show, daily. There is much to be gained there.

AND i was pointing to the fact that the pain I FEEL is not unlike many posters feel...i don't think im special or unique....i KNOW a ton of you are feeling a huge, huge amount of pain and confusion........

Fortunately a lot of us have navigated through it.

It took me about 3 years to finally listen to Dr. Harley's suggestion to get my doctor to prescribe short term antidepressants. Once I did, I was able to solve my marital problems, thank God, and today we are just about the happiest people I know.

thanks markos
there is NO CHANCE of this marriage being saved.....my wife called the shot and the shot is final......a 35 year marriage ending with a 35 minute speech. she even refused my attemp at hugging her in good bye......hurt like a [censored].......but.....she hates me.....that can be the only reason for this......and i simply cant see where HATING me was warranted.....

I would definitely see your doctor about getting some short term antidepressants to get you through, and I would also recommend getting the app and listening to the radio show, daily.

She did not end your 35-year marriage in 35 minutes. She took much longer than that to do it.

What did she say in her speech?

The thing that gets me right now are the dreams.......CONSTANTLY dream about my wife.....never nice...just wake up miserable and frustrated...just when I seem to be making progress.........back to square one.......

I was truly heartbroken when it occurred...more angry now......but still love her....its a weird, unexplainable feeling

Have you gotten on antidepressants?

Have been on them for years....don't do much really........tried switching.......I'm not really sour around others......just around my STBX.....I FELT SOMETHING WAS WRONG for among time....but she always blamed it on me.....jealousy,
Anger etc.......never, ever have I been a jealous husband......at least until her behavior indicated to me that there was something to worry about.

I always admired her as a person.....organized, fastidious.......a perfect ADULT......I'm not that way.....never have been.....we dated for 6 years and the difference never seemed to bother her....but it sure did in the end.

Actually, I usually got blamed for most things... IM SORRY was a difficult phrase for her. But, n all honesty I was t blame a lot of the time. Never did things good enough for her. She was close to perfect and saw no reasons others couldn't be.

She would be the type of person that sees misfortune in people's lives as being the outcome of the person being less than responsible......poverty is laziness....heart trouble the outcome of not taking care for oneself.....bad kids the result of bad parenting....and I agree with some of it...but really..do you want to be laying in the hospital recovering from a heart attack and being told that you had it coming?

I think that it's the same thing why great hitters make lousy coaches in baseball. It comes so natural to them they simply can't understand why others find things so difficult.

What, specifically, did she complain about?

I'm finding it difficult to understand what the problems were. You are not being very clear with your explanations. What does "never did things good enough for her" really mean? What kinds of things?

Also, have you snooped to see whether she is having an affair?

You are hinting that you thought she was having an affair. What made you think that? What did you do to find out the truth?

While we were together I checked on infidelity.....software ...pi.....but deep down I knew she would never.....she simply sees that as below her......even if she was attracted to someone....her discipline, her view of herself....and of course....it lead to no evidence.

As far as what she complained about....well....in a day in a life....from how I slept....how I went to the bathroom....how I cleaned....how I cooked......what my hobbies were....how I dressed....my workout or lack of..my depression.....my beard.....my hair.....EVERYTHING.....EVERYTHING. she appreciated that I love her...I loved her looks, her passion....my generosity (though she didn't want me to be generous)

In hindsight she acted , towards me, as one would act towards someone u don't love, It's obvious now, not so much when u loved and admired someone.

I'm sorry, but the only thing that is obvious, from an MB point of view, is that she complained about things that were in your power to change, but you did not change them - perhaps because of depression.

If a couple uses MB, they take their spouse's complaints seriously, and address and work on them until they are eliminated. If you snore, there are sleep aids and treatments to help (my husband got his nose fixed, for me, after we started the MB course). You can go to the bathroom with consideration for the person that has to use it after you, or who has to clean it. You can work on cleaning and cooking, or work together to choose a different division of labour. You can choose new hobbies that you do together. You can work out. You can vigorously attack your depression, with the help of a psychiatrist.

The feeling that your spouse ought to love you unconditionally, regardless of your flaws, especially if you were much the same person when she married you, is behind many a woman's decision to leave after many years, when the complaining has no effect. It is so sad that you have been here on and off for 15 years, and yet were never encouraged to use the MB programme to create a happy marriage. At least - from the threads I've skimmed, I cannot see where that was ever done.