Can you disguise your phone # and call the OM's house when you know he is at work? In the US we can dial *67 and disguise our #.

And no, I wouldn't apologize to your wife, but why are you drinking?? You need your wits about you and you certainly need to be very buttoned up.

Thank you Melody, you have been a great help through this. I can withold my number but he might not answer it then as it will say 'number witheld'. I will try that first thing in the morning and if that doesn't work I will write a letter to him asking him to contact me. He is the only person that I can't get to so far and I appreciate that he is key, even if it is just for him to hear the truth of what his son has done.

I just spoke to my wifes father & asked him to meet with the OM's BW's parents so he can get a true sense of what a scumbag OM is and how he has been treating his wife even before all this.
He agreed and told me that he is on my side in this and wants nothing more than a reconciliation for both of us. It was nice to hear that. So I am gonna set this meeting up this week.

It feels good to actually be trying to do something to fix this rather than just enabling the affair.

I am wondering what else I can do to make OM uncomfortable or make things difficult for him. He is a spineless coward & the sooner my wife sees him for that the better.
I don't need police on my case though and I know he has already been to see them. He has nothing on me at all though, I just knocked his door.

My experience, and the experience of other professionals is that about 95% of all affairs either end by one person deciding to end it, or that it dies a natural death. Of the five percent that end in marriage, about 70% of those end in divorce. There are a host of reasons that romantic relationships that start with an affair are so fragile, but the main reason is that they are based on deceit, thoughtlessness, and dishonesty. Those characteristics eventually find themselves permeating the affair itself. They eventually find themselves being deceitful, thoughtless, and dishonest toward each other.

I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obstacles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Do you live in Ireland now? My great grandfather came from Ireland, county Leitrim. We have relatives there and in County Sligo.

Thank you all for your kind words. It's hard to see the positives at the minute. My wife also said last night that she doesn't regret leaving me at all and even if it doesn't work out with this guy she wouldn't come back. It's so cruel. All I ever did in life was my very best for my family, I am a dam good father & husband & have done my best to give them both a beautiful home. I know I shouldn't pay any attention to what she says as it's not real or true.

After this week, just move on with plan A & work on myself?
I will also study Surviving an affair & His needs, her needs.

Exactly! I encourage you to focus on the things within your control. Clean up your side of the fence and try to get her to fall in love with you again.

What are her primary complaints about you and what can you do to not duplicate those behaviors ever again?

What did you do to get her to fall in love with you when you first met?


You cannot control what she does or the choices she makes. You can however focus on your choices. Right now, she does not see you as someone she can be in love with again. Exposure is a great idea to break up the A. But that is only the beginning of this process of R.

Your changes must be genuine and forever. This goes for both of you.

Anywhere she gets won't be local and will mean even less time near home and our daughter. Although it breaks my heart to think of them living together, it may be what's needed to give her a dose of how real life is going to be for her from now on.
Should help to burst the bubble she is in.

After this week, just move on with plan A & work on myself?
I will also study Surviving an affair & His needs, her needs.

[I genuinely was there for her emotionally and every other way, but she tuned out as soon as she began having this Facebook relationship with her co worker. I longed to talk to her, but she wouldn't give me that chance, he was doing my job.

So yeah, gonna look after myself and try to change for the better and hopefully be there for her when this POSOM slips up.
Thanks for the advice

I want to also point out that if you do reconcile, she will have to quit that job. Recovery will be impossible if she continues to work with the OM. You have no leverage here today, but keep this in mind as you go forward.