Selfishness tends to bring out the worst in humans it seems like, it really does not matter what there core believes are. Top that with a addiction and you have a really bad combination.

Thank you Lexxxy for your kind words. I don't know why, but I do have a feeling we will work it out eventually and save our marriage. I have nothing to base that on but a gut feeling, but I pray it's right. Despite everything, I love her dearly and I am a lot more calm about the situation since I took control of it last week.
Sure, she is pissed at me right now, but it will pass I'm sure.

Thanks Prisca, I sincerely hope this fantasy pops like a bubble soon, but I will put in the work & be prepared for the long haul!

Thank you Melody, your posts have been an inspiration to me to push on with this- I am so glad I took control of things last week by exposing and confronting. I do have a lot of hope we can sort things out and rebuild our marriage- there's nothing I want more and I pray that she will realise what we had. As I said, I have nothing to base this optimism on but a gut feeling, but I will take that right now.

Small update, my wife came over this evening with our daughter- she was quiet and seemed pissed, she had probably heard all about the letter to OM's father and the family meeting.
I tried to be nice to her without being overbearing, asked about her car- she had car trouble today... at some point she will open up a little to me, I will keep plugging away.

Oh, and she wasn't wearing make up to work either (something she had been doing only for the past month or so). She looked tired also.

Whatever I have done, it certainly has taken the wind out of her sails a little, she is no longer in this state of 'euphoria' like a teenager in love, something she had been at pains to express before exposure, that she was 'so happy'!

I have great optimism for your situation and I have seen hundreds of cases over the past 14 years. Her affair is spiraling down. Did you get the book Surviving an Affair? You need to read the case study of Sue and Jon. That book is the bible of recovery.

Yep, I do have Surviving an affair & His needs, her needs. My bedtime reading! Thanks.

2 questions.

1. Do I stop mentioning anything about recovering our relationship until my wife mentions it? I have already been clear with her about my feelings, both in letters and in person.

2. Financial and legal. I can pay our mortgage and bills on my own, it will be tough, but I can do it. Alternatively, I can seek help with the mortgage etc from the government- I would be entitled to benefits and mortgage relief, but this may require me to declare a legal separation from my wife and she would obviously be contacted about that.

Should I hold off on that until plan B time?

1. You should communicate that you are willing to work with her in building a romantic marriage but she must first end her affair. Typically a good time to do this is when she starts talking about how she loves om, your marriage is over etc.

2. Dr. Harley would encourage you to take appropriate legal steps to protect assets during her affair. As for separation, the problem with legal separation is that the cheater views it as a Cheat Pass and further justification for the affair. Also, in plan A the wife should not be forced out of the marital home.

I would mention it fairly often. Tell her how much her affair hurts you and ask her to end it. You don't want her to think you don't care.


I wouldn't file for a separation at this point because that will send the wrong message. Instead, I would send her a nice email asking her to pay her part of the mortgage and the bills.

I chose to limit any heavy relationship talk with my FWW about anything while she was in the fog. It does no good. You have already seen this. I would not ask her for a single thing right now. (except for financial things you deem necessary)

When you see her, if you look great, act happy and upbeat she will be more willing to potentially be around you. If she anticipates heavy conversation, constantly telling her you love her, asking her to come home, telling her what she is doing wrong in her life...on and on... it will be a massive turnoff.

Keep active. Plan fun activities with your daughter. Invite WW to join in!

Having a warm environment by showing her what she is missing out on (NOT telling her), will plant seeds in her mind.

Have you really identified those things she did not like about your relationship. Are you showing her when you are around her that you have changed. Have you changed? I hope you are reading LB's and looking in the mirror.

Most importantly, I hope you realize how sensitive she is to pressure about anything relationship related.

She is sensitive to even the slightest hint of pressure and will push her away.

Thank you for your answers. She absolutely knows I want her back to work on our marriage, so I will maybe not push it for a while.

Small update, wife was here this evening dropping our daughter home, I was home before her and was clean and out of my work clothes. Our golden retriever is 3 today so I had a small cake for him (for our daughter's benefit really), my daughter blew out the candle and my wife stayed for 10 mins or so. I was as upbeat as I could be and smiled at her.

She wants to arrange sharing care of our daughter in September when she starts primary school 5 days a week. We are going to sit down some evening to do that when our daughter is in bed.
It will be a different schedule than now as she is only in school 2 days a week at the minute.
We will have to spend an hour or 2 doing that so it will be good to interact, even if it's a trivial task!

I also mentioned that I want to take our daughter to Disneyland in January for 4 nights (my brother & his family invited us to travel with them). My wife was upset at that, but I asked her if it was any different than last week when she was away for 4 nights with her.

Amicable but nothing encouraging would be how I would surmise her visit.

Maybe you can invite her along?

Would absolutely love her to be there Happyheart, but I already know the answer sadly. Maybe I should drop her a text & say we would love her there if she wanted to come?

Too desperate?

It's not desperate, it's Plan A. She needs to know that you would like her to be around.

You know the answer, but ask anyway. Then drop it and don't push her or beg her.

This is a debate and a lovebuster. Do not engage in conversations like this. She's upset, and that's okay. Don't debate her or compare her actions to yours.

Understood Prisca. Wife has gone to visit OM as her car has gone from her parents. Not going to text her tonight when she is with him, but will text her something in the morning saying that we would love to have her with us in Janurary.
Already know there will be no reply, but hey ho.

Good.

The point is not her reply and whether she says yes or no.

The point is that she will remember that you invited her, and wanted her. This will make it difficult for her to continue feeding herself the lie that you are some kind of uncaring monster and she is justified finding happiness elsewhere.

So, found out my wife and OM are spending the night in a Hotel. Tough evening for me. Sent her a text anyway, saying that my daughter & I would love her to come with us in Janurary, that option is there for her.
Dont expect a reply of any sort. This is a tough road.

I just wanted to say hang in there, it takes time and now is the time to stay on track and patient with your Plan A, you won't think it's working but it is.
Try to remember right now this isn't the woman you married she is deep in the fog, but like all wayward spouses it goes away in time and reality starts to show it's ugly head.
This is your best shot at keeping your family together, it's a short period of time in the big picture, you have great help here, let them walk you through it and keep you strong��
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you