Hello Everyone,

I figured it's best to start a new thread as this includes new subject matter. In a previous thread I shared that my wife wanted to live separately but stay married (because of the stress of our blended family and her needing space, etc).

This has been resolved thanks to the advice here: we are staying in the same house, have began to date more, changed some things around in our household and her previous feelings are fading.

One of the pieces of advice was to use teensafe to rule out an affair. Despite my hesitation, I did follow through and found nothing indicating an affair or even inappropriate communication...pretty clean.

I did find one interesting thing and I'm debating whether it's even worth bringing up. A little bit of background first:

Our sex life isn't "bad"....I'd say middle of the road (2-3 times a week). But I can tell she's not into it and we've had similar discussions in the past and a few disagreements here but nothing major. She's had some trauma in the past that she indicated effects her feelings on sex (understood). Admittedly, my reactions during our disagreements haven't helped. We've tried things to spice up, but she said she just doesn't think about sex and doesn't really get horny.

Anyway, the one thing I found on teensafe is that she viewed a porn site and searched for "gang bang" videos and watched one. This was a one time thing and there's no evidence of porn except this one instance. If it wasn't for her expressed feelings towards sex, I wouldn't be as shocked. But obviously there's something there. Is it worth me bringing up if it's just once?

Sir,
i suggest you email Dr. Harley directly for guidance on this.
You can email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.
in the meantime, do not confront your wife.

I think your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she has fallen out of love. Women, even with lower sex drives, have no problem engaging in sex even though it is not a high need for them. Women need 2 things to desire sex, an emotional attachment to the man ["in love"] and the prospect of enjoyment. If she doesn't the way you make love, she will not be into it. The same would apply if she is out of love.

if I were you, I would focus all of your attention on helping her fall in love again. i would take seriously all of her complaints, follow the policy of joint agreement and the MOST IMPORTANT------------> get in at least 20 hours of undivided attention time per week. Nothing that you do will make a difference if you don't do that.

Are you actually following the program? Do you have the books? Because not having a plan is a plan to fail.

Thank you Melody, I am and will continue to focus on her falling in love again. In regards to the porn site, do you also suggest I not mention it?

I would not mention it now because you really need to keep spying and you don't want to give that up. I would keep quietly watching her while you focus on regaining her love. Romantic dates will achieve that faster than anything.

Ok, thank you. Do you think it's a sign of an issue or too isolated to mean anything?

I think you should email Dr. Harley as i previously suggested.
It is a case of a woman who says she has no desire to have sex with her husband but watches videos of orgies.
Dr. Harley has extensive experience with these cases and you should run it by him. Possibly she was raped or has some desire to participate in an orgy. Making her waffles and coffee in the morning may not change that.

I will do that


Yes, which is my I'm more confused by it.

Dr. Harley clearly states in his articles and has stated more than once on his radio show that the single most important thing for a woman to desire sex is being in love AND that nowadays, he rarely has to spend time solving sexual problems anymore, even in instances, where the wife has been sexually abused in the past.

Should there be sexual aversion on the side of the wife, either because she has been having sex with her husband without bein into it, she can follow the guidelines Dr. Harley has laid out in his article on this subject.

Should it be that the wife is having panic attacks, this should of course be addressed first, but I do not read in this post that that is the case.

Just because a women looks at a pornographic video once out of curiosity or whatever, does not mean this is something she wants to do herself or that it would arouse her to do herself.
If you watch a horror video once, that does not mean that you would like to become a serial killer or to be killed for that matter.

Before you go into more exotic possible problems/solutions, tackle the most probable reasons for her sexual reluctance first:

1. is there any man who she is emotionally attached to? (as of yet, no, as you conclude)
2. is she in love with you?
probably not, from what you are saying. So, you spend 15-20 hours per week doing fun and exciting and new things with her that you BOTH enjoy. After a few weeks, you reevaluate.

You could fill out the emotional needs (EN) questionaire with her, as a tactfull way to find out how she feels about your sex life and about the other EN's.
That will give you the direction in which to focus your efforts.

To fall back in love, you should focus on the intimate emotional needs: affection, recreational companionship, intimate conversation and sexual fulfillment (in a way SHE likes, because she is the partner with the smaller need).

It may be that she singles out as her most important EN domestic support and other non-intimate EN. This usually means a woman is out of love. You should meet those as well, but only meeting the intimate needs will make you fall in love again.

After a few weeks of need meeting and NO love busters (see section on this website), you should notice that you and your wife feel romantically connected again. If there is no improvement in her willingness and enjoyment of making love, you can look for other possible causes and solutions.

I am not sure what any of this has to do with the price of tea in China. So what if she was raped? [nor do you have any reason whatsoever to think she was] You know that Dr Harley deals in the present, not the past. Why the need to create imaginary "causes" when real ones exist? The solution would be the same. We should be treating the obvious causes first.

While I think it is always a good idea to use Dr Harley as a resource, this is not a situation that is any different from others. We know what he advises in these cases. And that is to fall in love again and create the conditions that are conducive to sexual desire.

Surely the last thing a woman who was raped would do is watch a pornographic video that glamorises the ordeal.

I believe Jedi drew that conclusion from my original post where I said she experienced some trauma in the past.

Just understand that is the BEST PLACE for trauma: IN THE PAST. We focus entirely on the present. Bringing the tragedies of the past into the present is a distraction from resolving problems.