Dear all,
I've never done this before, so I hope I'll do it right, but after 7 months of struggling, I need some advice.
My husband told me he fell in love with a colleague 7 months ago and left me with our 3 sons (2/5/7). He stayed in the OW house for about 10 weeks, and when I told him to come here and get his stuff he said he thinks about returning home. Long story made short: He moved into a single-room apartment and we started mc, but only a few times, because it was clear that he is still ambivalent about whether he wants to be with the OW or with us. He still didn't get his things out of my house and he visited our kids here. He never said he had no contact with OW, but 12 days ago I found out that this contact is still sexual. When I found out I took away his keys and asked him for a decision. Next day he called and said he can't decide under pressure (after 7 months!) and offered me to have a weekend together. After that I wrote him a letter saying that after 18 years together (married 16) I am not going to have a relationship casting. I said for now I will go my own way, and if he can stop the contact with the OW in the future there might be a chance for us.
I need advice. I am a strong person I guess and I sort of followed Plan A for 7 months (without knowing it). We had some trips with our kids, went out for dinner and I tried to be as nice as possible. Now, I guess, (again with not knowing until yesterday) I started Plan B. I wonder what I should do. He tells me he loves the OW, but so far he isn't having an open relationship with her, so I guess there's still a lot of fantasy... From our marriage counselor I know that he still cares about me and the kids as well.
I don't know this man anymore, he seems to be in a big crisis. I guess I should cut him off as much as possible, right? But with 3 children involved, I don't want them to get hurt.
Does anybody see a chance to clear this mess??? I was always the leader in our relationship, he didn't decide anything, so I don't think he will eve be able to make up his mind. The OW seems to be very passive. She was first the affair, then relationship and now affair again and seems to accept that....
I would be glad about advice! Thanks, Miel

The most critical part of Plan A is exposing the affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so if you keep it a secret, it only thrives and grows. Have you exposed the affair? That would give you your BEST chance at recovery.


Your husband does not care about you or your children while he is in affair. And saying or thinking that will not save your marriage. Your husband is not in a "crisis," he is having his cake and eating it too. You and your children are the ones living in a crisis.


He has made up his mind: he has TWO women vying for him. Your life will be a hell on earth until you recognize this remove yourself from his circle of abuse. But you MUST expose his affair.

]
We recommend Plan B, which is a complete and total separation where he is not allowed to contact you directly. He would be able to see his children, of course, but all communication would go through an intermediary who would act as a SPAM filter.

Dear MelodyLane,
I have exposed the affair as soon as I found out about it to friends, colleagues and both families. And I have informed his family about the ongoing contact. I just don't feel well about this intermediary, I can't think of anybody doing this...
He is on vacation with the kids for 2 weeks now. I think about sending him a letter confirming again my thoughts about no contact with the OW or me and meanwhile I will get his stuff packed, so he can pick it up when he returns.

Sorry, by the way: I have the book "Surviving an affair" downloaded on the iPAD that the kids have taken with them. Should I advise WH to read it in order to give him the chance to see this addiction and no contact stuff???

No i would not ask him to read the book.
At this point, you should prepare for Plan B and focus on finding an intermediary as explained in the book. There are also threads here which explain how to do it.
You should also consult an attorney and seek child support and protection of marital assets.

What exactly did you say to all these people? Have you exposed to the OW's family and the workplace?

Are his parents helping in persuading him to stop his affair?


It is a real easy job. This person would only need to accept his emails and screen out any non pertinent information. She/he would need to present a neutral front. You really MUST find one.


I would use the Plan B letter from SAA. However, you need to get him entirely moved out and change the locks before you deliver it.

No. That would be like asking a falling down drunk to read the Big Book. You need to first do everything in your power to kill this affair.

Dear Jedi and MelodyLane,
thanks for your replies. I have already an attorney since 6 months. He doesn't have a key anymore, so I don't have to change the locks. :-)
His parents and his sister told him to go back to his family, but they are not very close with him. And my family says they are sorry for the kids but I would deserve better...

Miel

Have you exposed at the workplace? To the OW's family and friends? Those are critical exposures. I would read the link in my signature so you understand some of the tactics

I would also tell the older boys about the affair. They need to know that what their father is doing is very wrong, and the reasons why. They also need to know the name of the enemy of their family.

They are not being allowed around the OW, are they? She is an unfit adult and I would never allow that if I were you.

He could've had a copy made.
Getting the locks re-keyed is easy insurance.

You have mae the right decision, telling him, that you will not do a relationship casting after 16 years.
Please have no contact with him whatsoever untill he comes back hand in hand and agrees to follow the program laid out in Surviving an affair.
If you have no contact, the other women will have to meet ALL of his needs. As long as he had the chance to waver between you and her, he could have both.

Oh, and by all means, let the OW know what marvelous sex you and husband were having, while he was probably telling her she was the only one. It cannot hurt to cause conflict in the affair.

The OW was *never* the 'relationship' by the way, she was always the affair. You are his wife, she is his mistress. Him moving out to live with his mistress does not in any way legitimize their affair.

Dear Happyheart,
I told her when I found them, that he had sex with both of us. Obviously that didn't bother her the months before, so why now?
Actually I'm thinking about meeting the OW....does anybody have done this before???
Miel

I dont think you should meet her.
You should enter Plan B.

Who on OW's side have you exposed to?

This affair needs to be killed dead so that your children do not have to grow up with the OW as their stepmother.

Exposure is the best tool that we have for killing an affair. Just having people "know" about the affair is not exposure. Please read the link that is in MelodyLane's signature.

You need to expose to your husband's workplace AND you need to expose to the OWs parents and friends. Also you need to tell your two oldest sons so that they are aware that their Dad's "friend" is really an enemy of their family.

I have told the colleagues about the affair when I found out. I didn't inform them so far that it's still going on. I'm not sure if it will let me appear desperate. In case somebody asks me, I will answer the truth. I don't know friends or family of the OW....
My children know about OW, we didn't speak about her 6 months, but my WH has told them the name of the OW and my eldest son has the memory of an elephant. I told WH that I won't lie to my children anymore.
I guess the thing is that I don't even know if I have lost that much...maybe my life will be better without him. I'm sure she will never be able to take the place of a stepmother. I won't make room enough..
Would you send him an email as a Plan B letter? To inform him that his things are packed and should be removed from the house by xx.xx.xxxx?