I would first expose the affair. Start with the workplace by exposing to the Director of HR, a key vice president and their supervisors. You can expose to the OW's family and friends by going to her Facebook and looking up her contacts. There are directions on my exposure thread.


Your children need to be told about the affair BY YOU and told that adultery is immoral and wrong. If you don't teach them right from wrong, your wayward husband will teach them that wrong is right and they will grow up morally confused.

Please you yourself inform your husband's workplace about the affair and that it is still ongoing. You are the victim here, and if key people can't or won't see that (I bet that they will), then do you really care what they think?

You need to find the friends and family of the OW, as well as her siblings so that you can expose to all of them. This is a vital step.

Your husband telling your children the name of the OW is not exposing...he no doubt called her a "friend". YOU need to explain to your children that Daddy is doing something wrong by having an affair.

Well, the thing is that I don't think the workplace is very interested in that sort of things...And I don't know her family at all, she is not from here, and google gave me very few information. I am not active in FB, but I asked friends of mine to look her up. She is not on FB as well..
Did any couples in this forum reunite where so much damage was done? And did the WS change to normal some day? I wonder if it's worth it. He hurt me so much that I actually don't want to be hurt again...so I hope this gives me the strength to stay on Plan B...

Yes, many of us who post here have opted to recover our marriages after the most devastating thing that ever happened to us. We have followed Dr. Harley's plan, and once we fall back into love, the pain of betrayal slowly moves to the past.

I know that it doesn't feel this way to you, but your husband's affair is garden variety. His actions are predictable...if you read any other of the myriad of threads here, you will see that all of the waywards say and do the very same things. Yes, they change back to normal after ending any contact with the affair partner, and after that "fog" has dissipated.

Thank you so much for this answer. Even if there might be no future for us, I hope that he realizes some day how much pain he caused.

Miel, your husband's affair is very enmeshed and you will have to fight very hard to kill it. There may be a bright future for your marriage though! But there is no chance for that future until you have struck a deathly blow to the A.

Many WHs come out of that fog and realize what they have done within a few months. With very enmeshed affairs, I venture to say (from my own experience) that it may take longer. When I began to see my H's true remorse, that was the beginnings of hope that we could wake up from this nightmare.

We understand if you prefer to go straight to Plan B...but I hope that you will still expose (for your sake and your children's sake), and I hope that you will spend as much time as possible here reading about Plan B before you hop off and just do it yourself.

Many here have been through it themselves and will be happy to help with any questions.

You don't know how the workplace will respond, don't assume they will do nothing. The key is to expose to the right people. Telling one or two people who may spread some rumors is not true exposure. You need to follow the proper workplace exposure guidelines in thr Exposure 101 thread that ML linked you to. Have you read that thread?

Also, you do not need to personally know OW or her family, and they do not need to live in your town, for exposure to happen. I was able to find out information from a 9 year old affair that my husband had with a woman who did not live in our town, and who he had worked with several employers ago. In a matter of 2 hours I had her name, address, phone number, company info, and friends and family list, not to mention a plethora of additional info about her, simply by using the Internet (and I didn't pay for any services either, although I would have). You CAN find some exposure targets.

You asked for advice and you are getting great advice, but you seem to have an 'I can't' attitude. You will not succeed in recovering your marriage with this attitude.

Note that BlindSighted said they recovered their marriage by *following Dr Harley's plan.*

If you refuse to expose the affair at the workplace and to the OW's family, there is very little we can do for you. Excuse making does not save marriages, actions do.


Many couples did reunite after so much damage. But they had to follow the steps. If you won't do that, I see no chance.

Even if you refuse to do anything to help yourself, you should definitely go into Plan B.

Dear MelodyLane, dear unwritten,
I know that you want to help me and I'm very grateful. I will definitely go into Plan B, especially to help myself. And I'm thinking about writing sort of an exposure letter to friends (especially at WH and OW workplace) in which I write that I want to make clear for all other couples that it was not the marriage counseling that failed, but the WH lacking interest to cut off the affair and rescue the marriage. That I would be still willing to attend MC if there would ever be no contact between them anymore.
What do you think about that?

I think that you are wasting your time if you won't follow the advice here. There is nothing we can do in that case. I would strongly suggest you read the exposure thread linked in my signature and use the guidelines there.

You are floundering around here, trying to devise your own plan. Dr Harley has a plan that is created from 40 years of experience dealing with infidelity. Why would you want to create your own plan vs using a plan that has worked to recover many, many marriages?

We do want to help you. Many people come to these boards and choose to make things up as they go, follow their own plan or no plan at all, and it always fails. We do not want to see you fail.

1. Follow the exposure plan. This affair is very entrenched, you have to do a fail proof exposure to have any hope here. Use the 101 thread as your guide, there are already letter templates on it that are very specifically worded for a reason. If you make any changes at all, post them here for feedback.

2. Prepare for Plan B. Read about Plan B and prepare for it so that when you enter Plan B you do it right, not halfway because that will fail.

You have an opportunity to do this the right way instead of floundering around. Why would you not choose to do that?

Hint:

Read all of the prewritten exposure letters in the "Exposure 101" thread that is immediately available to you by clicking on the red link in Melody Lane's post to you.

Next, your exposure letter should not be clouded with unimportant facts, such as the marriage counseling.

You want it to purvey 2 main points.
1) Your Husband and Mistress are having an affair. Provide some proof, but don't get tied up in verbose details.

2) You request their help to talk some sense and convey their disdain for the adulterers pursuing a family wrecking action and you prey for their support for your marriage.

Read that link and let us know what questions you have.

Time is of the essence!!!

Please listen carefully to Melody Lane and Unwritten.

Melody has been successfully helping posters here for Years, IF they follow the plan of action on a timely basis.

LTL

I know I'm not following everything you tell me, but I hope somebody has an ear for me anyway...Actually I went no contact, that means my WH went for holiday with our 3 children about 11 days ago. I answer his calls, just saying hello and asking if the kids want to speak. He than gives the kids to me. Today he called and says that the kids are sick, so he will come home earlier. I made it clear that there is no option for him to stay with them in my house, and since I have to work at the weekend, he should leave them with my parents. Now I'm going to tell his friends about his actions. Not necessarily to expose, but to tell them what was going on and that it's not me who wanted to be in war and cause damage...
I just need encouragement. When I think about what he has done, I think I'm still to nice. But on the other hand I'm not used to being so unfriendly...
What do you mean?

You need to expose strategically. Otherwise, the wayward can naysay you and make you out to be the bad guy too easily. If you only expose a few people at a time, it leaves questions in their minds. Tell everyone at once so that everyone you know has the same story at the same time.

Dr. Harley would advise you to be in plan B

I am in Plan B, but I can't have no contact to my kids...

Miel, this isn't no contact. No contact in Plan B is where, after you have written a "love letter" as spelled out in the Plan B info, THEN you eliminate any means of any sort of contact with your husband...speaking with him on the phone at all is "contact".

Thanks, BlindSighted,
I think I'll try to set up a letter tonight.

This is good, but if you stop at just his friends, you are making a very strategic error. Exposure is your largest gun in this fight to kill the affair, and you need to do it ALL in one block of time so that you create as much havoc in their affair as possible.

Have you read the exposure thread?

Exposure is not to be mean...it is to ask for HELP in killing the affair. You need to specifically ask each exposure target if they would be willing to contact your husband and ask him to end his affair. And for the OWs parents, you need to specifically ask them to beg that woman to stay out of your marriage.

Your husband's family and parents must also be told by YOU, and the OWs parents, siblings, and friends must be told by YOU. Your children must be told by YOU. Your husband's workplace must be told by YOU.

It's okay if you want to go straight to Plan B, we understand, and we will help you with that. But if you somehow think that Plan B is going to shock him into quitting his affair without exposure, I just want to be up front and tell you that it is not going to.

Have you decided for certain that you want to end your marriage?