Reposting some advice for you:

All,

No, I am not dating anyone else. I'd love to date my wife. I am desperately lonely as I know she is.

Our conversations seem fewer but long, unproductive and unpleasant. Instead of JD2D being my favorite person to do anything with, I have become more comfortable lonely not in her presence, than being lonely and feel despised in her presence. And, I dread conversations with her. I know her conversations, though unpleasant are her attempt to "reconcile". But they are so unproductive, and critical of me that I prefer being alone in my condo. I know I have a "plank in my eye. I don't need to hear about it so much. Most of our time is supposed to be pleasant. I literally get uncomfortable and sweaty when we talk. I am definitely NOT saying she is an "unreasonable cow". I am saying it's hard to imagine 15 hours a week when so much of our conversations now are about my "plank".

She also says I am a terrible communicator when I do attempt to communicate.

Her solution is to have no more conversations. I know no conversation is a recipe for failure. I know all negative conversation is a recipe for disaster as well. We cannot seem to find a balance where we enjoy each other, and spend enough time on problems to solve them. Any advice on this topic?

But, I have no real news to tell anyway. I know you would not approve of some of my activity where I went to visit my parents and brother who fixed my three bad teeth saving me $$$$, the weekend before last.

I continue to listen to the show everyday. Today's was very good. I related to the caller's husband who makes promises but wife doesn't see long term improvement. Dr H presented three "theories" on the husband. Motivation, passive aggressive, and a third one. I related not because I get angry or passive aggressive, but because I can commit to something ( like doing the grocery shopping [the example on the show]) but even after doing it for a couple or three weeks, forget about it for some unknown reason. The reason, in my case, is not because I didn't intend to do what I committed to. It's more likely that it got much more difficult than it seemed when I committed to doing it.

Anyway, that's where things are with us.

Thanks,
Remark

I think I am going to show this post to my husband, or rather, will surprise him with one of the above.

But Remark, these things go together. You continue to do things you know hurt her, and then expect to be able to have pleasant conversation. It doesn't matter if you talk to her about it, if she knows you did it, then you've hurt her, so then what do you have to talk about?

Can you start conversations about the pleasant things you are doing, that you know do NOT hurt her?Yes, I believe so. If she starts to bring up an unpleasant topic, have you respectfully said that the conversation is becoming unpleasant for you and then cheerfully changed the topic to something pleasant and light?That's sometimes a challenge as she I often hear comments that I have NOT answered her question, I've gone down a "rabbit trail", or similar. I'll try to say "this is unpleasant, let's change the topic", but I get suspect it may not be received well.

In the past she has said she wanted to be included in times you went out to dinner. Can you invite her out to dinner?Sure. or even, can you cook her a meal? Something to show her that you love her, have extraordinary care for her, and are committed to changing the behaviors that are making LB withdrawals.

Earlier in the day, I asked her to go lake boating Labor Day weekend as we have done for years.

Remind me, Remark: does she love boating? Would that be her first choice of a lovely date?

(If you invite other friends it isn't a date, BTW. It might be a great day out, but it won't be a date, and you're supposed to be thinking of ways to date your wife.)

She likes boating, but admittedly, it is more my thing. Recall, she wants to keep the boat until son leaves the roost and was upset when I thought we should sell it now because we only use it once or twice a year.

The Coaching program
re: the question of pursuing the coaching program and whether she would do it with me. I asked her what her current position was on that. She said that ( and I had forgotten ) that we visited that issue with Steve Harley and he said he wouldn't recommend it us in our state.

Thanks,
Remark

Remark: "She said I wasn't doing POJA. I asked "Why do you say that because I was exploring her thoughts and wishes on the topic."

This is a statement which may come off as debate/argument format instead of exploration format.

I can only guess that she sees your first approach to the topic as more of a Decision on your part instead of an Idea of something you might like to do, with you including her in the thought process in embryo rather than after you have decided and set it in motion.

Had you mentioned the idea to son and friends already?

It should have been, "How would you feel about You and Me going boating with son over Labor Day?"

Then, if she had been enthusiastic with that, you could have asked,
"How would you feel about inviting our friends?"

The point about selling the boat really has nothing to do with what I asked you.

What I'm trying to get you to establish is whether this would be a great day out, in her mind. I don't need to know that answer to that, but it's that sort of consideration you should be making when coming up with dating ideas.

I find it worrying that, having being encouraged by recent posts to try harder, the thing you suggest to your wife is something that you know is "your thing" rather than her thing, that you also enjoy. I find it worrying that your mind goes straight to a traditional activity - which means that you do this every year on this weekend, and so are NOT thinking of things to boost your marriage. It's disappointing that that you KNOW the boat has been the source of conflict in the past, and you know that an activity that involves friends is not a date, and yet you suggest this to your wife as a way of dragging your marriage out of its trough.

It seems to me that what you have really done, Remark, is to choose an activity of yours that you would have done anyway without your wife, and asked her if she wants to tag along, and called this an attempt at reviving the marriage.

It's less than half-hearted and it is a bit pathetic, really.

The fact that she said "go ahead and set it up with friends, and then I'll see" suggests to me that your wife isn't enthusiastic about this day out. Don't you see that? And therefore, doing as she said and setting it up is not your attempt to please her. It's disregarding her obvious lack of enthusiasm, while happily arranging something that you wanted to do anyway. If she goes along for the day you can put a tick on the "time with wife" chart, and if she doesn't, you can go anyway and have a great time doing what you love.

Really disappointing.

Can someone help me, please? I'm asking her for her thoughts on the topic. I'm trying to frame the activity around those thoughts and desires. Labor Day weekend is a fixed time point that isn't going to move. What is she referring to?