Ok, so now I feel pretty confused. Dr. Harley responded to my email this morning, and he advised that we separate and mentioned the fact that he could have had an injury or something that is causing his paranoid thinking.

But, the reason I am confused, is because he recommended me to plan a separation, not on a whim. I can't remember the exact words he used (I deleted it because it was on school email) but that was basically the point he made.

How should I be handling our interactions right now? I am not engaging in confrontation with him at all, and we have both remained calm. He wanted me to hug him before he left school earlier and I honestly didn't want to. I told him I wasn't ready for that after what had happened this morning. So now he feels like I don't care about him because I knew he needed my touch and I didn't do it. Am I wrong for this? Although he has hurt me very much, I don't want to intentionally hurt him (I know too much what that feels like).

Thanks again everyone!

Yes you should separate. I don't understand what you mean by "whim." Just separate. Will your parents allow you to live there until you can find another place to live?

PACK UP YOUR CLOTHES AND GO TO YOUR PARENTS. Tell your boys that they are going to spend some time at the grandparents because you are afraid of their dad. Let them know that have been fights and you will be staying at grandparents for a while with them.

We don't give a rip what your husband needs. He has made it impossible for you to be around him. IF he wants some "touch" he will have to make a radical change in his behavior..

I would suggest that you email Dr. H. from your personal email and ask him to resend his email response since you had to delete it. It's very important to refer to that email for clarity and reassurance.

He just doesn't have all the facts. He doesn't know things are getting so bad, he is assaulting you just this morning (and be thankful it was a burger-he was so enranged and entitled that whatever was in his hand he would have thrown at you)

He would tell you to flee right away. You also need to tell your boys that daddy has been so angry at mom it is scaring her so we are going to spend some time with your grandparents.

He only says take some time if you have time to take.... YOU DONT!

BTW... we had a male poster who once threw his keys at his wife and the cops came and threw him in jail for a day..... again, men do not back women into corner or throw things at them.... it is a sign of temporary insanity "angry outbursts".

Honey, it is up to HIM to create an environment of care where you CAN meet his needs.
Again, what entitlement!!! DO you see what you wrote? He "needed" you touch?

You need him to act safe around you!
Did he think he placated you enough by his sweet talking for a while?

Melody is right- he has made it Impossible for you to want to hug him or meet his needs!
If you wanted to hug him and be all close after all of this, something would be very very off!! What person after abuse would want to go hold tenderly the abuser?

So where are you at? Have you talked to your parents? Can they come help take you away tonight?

JBK, you don't need to squander time sending Dr Harley a question he already answered. Just pack your clothes and separate. Call your folks and ask if you can move in for awhile.

Do what they are telling you to do and go to your parents.
Call the Principal and taKe Tuesday and Wed off to see an attorney.
Do you have a separate bank account?

Are you okay?

Worrying about you. Hoping you're doing ok and just off to your parents for the weekend.

Yes, I am ok. Thanks for asking everyone. What happened over the weekend was not at all what I had expected....

On Friday I had decided to leave for sure. I was not questioning myself at all anymore, what had happened Friday morning was enough to push me past my limit.

It was teacher appreciation night and I had promised one of the players that I would come up for that. I didn't want to break that, so I decided to go up to the game (my husband was in the press box coaching) just to make an appearance and be recognized for the teacher appreciation thing. Then I would head home and get some things together, write him a letter and go to my parents house. (He doesn't get home until after 12pm on those nights, so there was plenty of time.)

Before the game he saw me and came down to talk to me, and eventually ended up saying I must be "with the kid" in an inappropriate way since he wanted to recognize me at teacher appreciation.

I basically told him to leave me alone, I was so upset and he was making it clear in front of everyone that things were not ok between us.

I guess he was thinking about what he had done / said because at some point he started texting me from the press box. I can't remember what all was said, but I was trying to keep the conversation very short. At some point he started asking what my intentions were and saying that I was acting different. (I think mainly because I was keeping my cool and wasn't engaging in the argument like I normally would). He started asking if I was wanting to get divorced and I kept telling him no, that divorce was not at all what I wanted, that I just wanted to be done with all the negativity and all the stress.

He finally started to ask if I was wanting to leave, I tried to avoid the questions, but it wasn't working. Eventually I just said that I did want to separate, but that I didn't want a divorce, that I wanted to work it out with him while being separated.

He got really upset (for once not mad upset, more sincerely upset for what he thought was happening to him/us). He has had a few panic attacks in the past. He began telling me that his heart was racing and that he was having a panic attack.

I felt bad for him, but I still felt like what I was doing was the right thing.

All of the sudden he was down from the press box, in tears, pleading me not to go. Saying he would change anything and everything, that he would set up counseling for himself, and talk with Dr Harvey, that he would spend more time together, never put me down, etc......

At one point, he gave me the impression that he would kill himself if he came home and I wasn't there (he didn't actually say that, but he implied it).

I was feeling really bad, but still felt like I needed to do it. Then I asked him, "so if I stay, what happens the next time you blow-up or do something really hurtful toward me?"
His response was, "you can ask me to leave and I will, no questions asked, at least I will have been given a chance to change." He had never said any of these things he was saying, not even after bad fights. I knew he meant everything he was saying, but I didn't know if he would be able to follow through like he hoped he could.

So I stayed. I didn't know what to do.

He was doing everything he said, being overly nice, took me on a date, spent time with the family, talked to a friend about a recommendation for anger management, he was supportive on these he typically isn't, etc.

He said he had "been awakened" and didn't want to lose me. We ended up getting into an argument last night over something stupid but there were no low blows or throwing things or anything like that.

I don't know what to think. Could just the real threat of me leaving be enough?

I would get him on the phone with Dr. Harley immediately and let Dr. Harley decide. He already has some suspicions about the cause of your husband's lack of control, but if he can talk with him, then he will be able to see how serious your husband is about getting help to control his anger.

This is a pretty typical with an abusive, controlling husband. They will make all manner of promises to keep you there and then follow through on nothing. I would immediately get him set up with Dr Harley and insist he enter an anger management program. [see Dr Harley's suggestions about anger management]

The next time he plays the suicide card, you need to call 911. You should NEVER allow yourself to be manipulated by suicide threats.

You could have turned the phone off.

He actually hasn't done anything yet. "Talked to a friend about a recommendation for anger management" doesn't mean he has done anything. ANYBODY could do that.

Angry men tend to also be very sorry and apologetic. I can't tell you how many times I heard "I'm sorry." Don't let your guard down just because he's thrown you a few crumbs.

You need to see him following an actual plan.

Nor should a suicidal person go untreated.

911 is ALWAYS, ALWAYS the right response to a suicide threat. If the person is bluffing they will stop doing it when 911 gets called every time and the cops show up every time. If they are not bluffing they NEED HELP.

What if the threat is not an immediate threat "I'm going to kill myself", more like a long standing threat "if you ever leave I am going to kill myself" how do you handle that?

Even that night for example, if I would have left, he wasn't even going to be home for a few hours, so the threat would have only been much later that night, if I wouldn't have been there when he came home.

I would call the authorities anyway.
"My husband told me that he is going to kill himself later tonight when he gets home."

Let them deal with him. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs. If he's trying to manipulate you, he'll never make that threat again.

You're right I guess he hasn't "done" anything yet in the sense you are referring to. But him telling his friend that he has a problem (something I never thought he would do) and asking for a recommendation (he is a psychologist as well) is doing more than he would have ever done in the past. Also, he just text me and told me that he had emailed Dr Harley and is hopefully setting up a time to be on the show.

I know they are baby steps but I do believe he is serious. I am having a hard time not being really distant though. I know he means well but all the pain of the past is still there.

If he does follow through and if changes are made, how to I get back to feeling the love that I once felt? I do still love him, but it is not the same after so much pain.