I have been lurking & seeking advice on MB site as well as the forum. Here is abbreviated dates & incidents

I work frequently out of town (*yikes*) M-F on projects
Wife runs a salon business
2 boys, 13 (hers) 7 (ours)
married 9 yrs
OM single, 4-5 yrs younger than wife, low paying clerk, multiple roommates, classic "affair down"

late April 2015, suspected something with inconsistent statement & whereabout. followed by my denial & disbelief.

May 27, initial confirmation, initial confrontation (asked questions, & asked to cease & desist) next 5 days I had severe insomnia & lost 17 lbs (10% of my body weight)

May 30, investigated location data & confirm multiple incidents at OM apartment, movies, restaurants, etc. while children were left alone at home & she stays at OM's until 1am.

Jun 11, confrontation by presenting calendars with date, location & duration of her with OM. photos of locations, etc. She did not admit, & did not deny. I naively thought this would get her out of the fog. wrong!!

June 17, Started working from home to save marriage & keep boys out of trouble during summer break.

June 18, caught her coming out of OM apartment & confronted her.

June 24, caught her coming out of OM apartment with both boys in the car & confronted her (children exposed)
multiple argument followed, including 13yr old asking her to stop, as data has shown she continued seeing OM

June 29, I started my counseling (6 weekly sessions) with a marriage/relationship coach. Wife refused to participate jointly or individually.

July 10 forward, data indicates that she "may" have ceased visiting OM, as she became aware I am tracking her. No idea if she still communicating thru email, messenger, viber or other means. she has also moved out of my bedroom & sleeps with the boys ever since.

She was in the fog, and everything she said, even remotely pertaining to the OM were lies. But I understand the fog thru my reading. Big shout out to the forum as I read the same behavior for others spouses in the fog.

July 20, I launched limited exposure campaign, my parents are in poor health, so I did not want to burden them. Her parents are in foreign country with no english skill. Wife were angry, went to withdraw stage, but steadily improved relationship with boys when she finally calmed down. Zero communication & interaction with me under the same roof. Cut off direct deposit to joint checking account. Status quo until....

Aug 24th, 2 minor triggers set me off to a rage, before I had a chance to process, (no excuse) the pain, hatred, resentment from the week of hell in May 27th flooded me, and I went "verbally" nuts on her: vulgar, hateful, disrespectful & profanity were used at the top of my lungs. Also told her to get out of my life, etc, and grabbed luggages & boxes for her to pack... Police were called, & I was told to go cool off for a few hours.

She said she was in fear for her safety, that she wont know when I'd go crazy on her again. Also that I'd never forgive her for the affair (that never happened, it's an illusion in my head) and will always hold it against her. She has since met with divorce lawyer and wish to start the divorce process as soon as she can borrow money/sell jewelry for retention.

She has also planned to take the boys & maybe move out to a friends.

I truthfully regretted my behavior on Aug 24th, and was stunned by the thuggish behavior. That is not who I am, & realized I have gone to the dark side. I know not much was in the love bank after the exposure, and my meltdown made terrible withdraw from the love bank, and sending it to major negative, and probably pushed over the edge.

I have already met with my lawyer a month ago, so I can counter sue if she does. I really do not want to divorce, but she is hard headed & emotional. I probably encouraged her behavior by being a giver in the marriage.

All attempts to apologize were rejected, and followed by hurtful accusations. She has kept the boys from me by picking them up from schools & took them to salon until late. She also forbid them from speaking to me. Since the boys have not had much of her affection since April, and now they craved & finally got her attention again, they'd ruefully tell me that they can't talk/play with me. I demanded time with the boys, and she only said she'd think about it. that is 3 days ago.

to fix me: "surviving an affair" "He Wins She wins" "his needs her needs" are on the way. started meditation routine (1 hr in the morning before kids school, 10 min mid day, 20 min before sleep) & I have been consistent since the start 4 days ago.

While she is in this resentful, vengeful withdraw, do I just do nothing & wait for the divorce paper to be served? or is there something I can do? Labor day weekend, and our 9th anniversary is right around the corner. Wonder if there something I can do using those 2 occasions.

Would very much appreciate any help, especially to get thru to her & get her back into conflict stage & allow me to make deposit to love bank again.

Thanks.

Welcome to MB and I'm so very sorry for your pain.

Who on OM's side have you exposed? Have you confronted OM?

Whom else on your WW's side have you exposed to?

Have you read the Exposure thread?

She left a 13 year old and 7 year old along until 1 am?
You need to quit your job so you can be home with them.
That may be considered criminal child neglect.

Okay i suggest you do all this tomorrow:
Contact her parents and tell them she is sleeping with another man. Find a translator do to this.
Visit attorney for immediate visitation/ custody rights
Expose the adultery to all of OM family and friends and your wife family and friends.

Thank you for the reply.

OM is single, I have very limited info on him, except address & name. I did send him a certified letter, stating I know who he is & I know of the affair. I also told him I have documented dates & locations when they were together. I did not make any threat, just stated at the end that I don't know if she have informed him that I know about the affair, but now he'd know for sure. I do not know if he has any relative in the US.

On WW, I exposed to most of her close friends thru FB, using similar language found on exposure 101. WW does not have family members in the US, and I am ashamed to say I cannot communicate thru her language, nor did I retain her families contact info. (I tried to look for any info that helps, but turned up nothing) OM & WW are not of same ethnicity nor cultural background, in case anyone wonders.

I did read the exposure tread, and was torn on telling my parents. As I mentioned, they are of poor health. I did tell my parents that we are having marital problems with possibility of divorce. If she file for divorce, I will tell them the truth. *sigh*

Ever since my meltdown, I've been kicking myself. If there is any silverlining, this incident brought out my character flaw front and center. I couldn't take back the hurtful words, now I must fix my mistake....just couldn't figure out how.

thanks again. If my thoughts are deviating from MB's principles, please set me straight. Seem a bit late getting Dr Harleys books....but I know it's never too late.

You should be able to find all of OM fAmily online.
You need to contact your wifes parents and OM family

Are you home for good? No more traveling?

Jedi,

I did try to find out her family contact info, but could not dig out anything... I know, its embarrassing.

I exposed to as many people as I could back in July, with the exception of my parents, due to their poor health. However, I think that day is coming.

language has been a major pain in this affair. WW is SE Asian, and OM is Iraqi. I don't speak her language nor Farci/ Arab. just complicate things a bit.

Regarding the child abandonment, she ceased leaving them at home as soon when children were exposed back in June. She is "almost" back to the good mom she was.

Also I am working from home most of the time, and pretty much made it clear that the 7 yr old cannot be left alone at any time. (13 is allowed in our State)

I had initial session with my lawyer. She got all the basic information and painted a grim picture regarding child custody. 5% on the 13 yr old, (still following her passport, not Naturalized yet) and 50% on the 7 yr old. Best case is joint custody. In my State, fathers have an uphill battle... that is why I am preparing to counter sue if she files, such that I'd have a chance to paint my version instead just defending hers. Not looking forward to that. If I can stop it from happening, I'd jump through a few hoops.

thanks again.

Brain,

Limited traveling. Since June, I was away for only 5 days. I'd consider myself blessed that I am given the opportunity to be home with my boys during this turbulent time.

traveling may pick up later. However, for my line of work as project manager, its tough not to travel. I am considering career change, but that would be down the road, if I can salvage the mess I recently caused.

I'd know right away if she leaves the kids alone again in an instant, and I will have my brother get involved immediately in my absence. I do track her vehicle & have security cam for home. Best I could muster at the moment.

Since the exposure in July, we basically lives 2 independent lives, as she called we are "separated" (with her living in kids room) and she has no feeling for me. I know not to bother, with her still in fog & completely withdrawn.

Thanks.

You need to expose on OM's side. Is he on any social media?

Read this.
"I Encourage BHs to Contact OM" Dr. Harley

Also, "Don't Put up with OM" per Dr. Harley

Your marriage cannot recover as long as you continue to travel overnight without your wife.

I love this forum. thank you.

listening to the MB radio shows now.

Brain, OM has an inactive FB page without any visible(to me) friends on it. (his last entry was in 9/2014) I have sent him a certified letter during exposure as mentioned.

I was able to use whitepages/neighbor to find out names of his roommates, but they already know of the affair, since WW frequently went there and hung out with OM. Other than that, I do not know much about his circle. Not making excuses, but I have exhausted online searches. To take it further, I would have to pay for a detective agency.

Prisca, career change is under serious consideration. I recall one of the MB Radio show Dr Harley talked about airline pilots and how/what they should do for their marriage. In essence, the 15 hr per week is even more critical for these folks with strong marriage. That 15 hr may not be sufficient dealing with mine, as she is rejecting every of my attempts to engage. I cannot imagine how military families deal with their situation.

BTW, I did not mean it as argumentative, just seeking near term compromise for my own traveling concerns.

It's almost comical that, if I speaks to her during dinner, she'd just got up & went to eat alone in the kitchen. In the morning, when I walk her out to her car & open door for her, she'd literally race me to the car and open/close door herself. I am serious, its comedy material. And yes, I still compliment her cooking & open her car door each & every day.

Also reading the "What to do with an Angry Husband" thread. It's a wealth of good info, and I definitely see myself as a victimized dictator. I can't kick myself enough.

thank you all.

You will need far more than the 15 hours UA. It takes 15 hours to MAINTAIN romantic love, and 25-30 hours UA to CREATE it.

But spending no nights apart is for more reasons than just UA. Spending nights apart creates a breeding ground for affairs. Since you will not have time for UA, and since your marriage will be at a continued risk for more affairs, your marriage will not survive continued separation. If you want to recover, you will need to have a job that allows you to be home every night.

I will start job search soon.

You need to expose to OM family and your wife family.
i know you dont speak their language so go to a Asian store and ask an asian to translate for you.
You need to contact the OM family. Are they in Iraq? What area? Is he immigrant?

Jedi,

WW has told her family regarding the affair, I will continue to try to find contact info on her family members myself. Not worried about translating. it'd be done when I got contact info.

OM, I don't have any decent info, just that he was born in Iraq, near Iranian border. supposedly the family are still there. no idea on immigration status. He is doing clerical working at a fortune 500 company, so I'd assume he at least has greencard.

WW has NOT being straight with me regarding the affair. all the info I dug out on my own. She is not out of the fog yet. the exposure cleared some, but she is still in the thick of it.


thanks for the input.

What has she told her family?

Her family needs to be contacted by you. You need to ask them, "Please ask her to end her affair"

Jedi,

I will continue to find a way to reach out to her family.

According to the 13yr old, WW was talking to her sister (phone card, so I could not trace actual phone number) and told her that she has stopped seeing OM, and my data showed the same since mid July.

BTW, she just took the kids out of the State against my protest. She is doing it for "she wins, agcruffler loses" and the kids were caught in the middle. both boys were crying since they really did not want to go.

I am about to lose my cool again, but controlled my anger, and still tried to ask her to stop this nonsense.

This is getting ugly...

Ladies & Gents, what else am I to do about getting her back into State of Conflict?